Can anyone offer some words of wisdom for how to help myself get over this.
I have very recently decided to leave my partner. We broke up after yet another argument based on him being upset with how I acted despite me doing little wrong. We had some really wonderful times together but he had serious insecurity issues in the beginning that caused me to tread on eggshells. I’ve posted on here a couple of times and had unanimous views to leave him but I loved him and was so intensely involved with him that I just couldn’t. And I so desperately wanted to give him the chance to make things better as I believed that he was also hurting and wanted things to work.
The controlling and insecurity did get better but I couldn’t get over what happened and still felt emotionally affected. I changed my behaviour, activities and communication with my partner to try and appease him, and to be honest I haven’t picked those things up again through fear of it resurfacing. I was also unhappy with other things that didn’t improve, mostly the way he spoke to me and how I was considered to be oversensitive. I am an emotional person and get quite shocked when people treat me badly as I try very hard to be kind to others. It was such an intense but volatile relationship despite being short – great 90% of the time but awful the other 10%. My long-term anxiety went through the roof and I constantly doubted myself. A lot of people also told me that him getting suddenly better could only by a temporary thing and it will just resurface in months or years to come, and I did see signs of insecurities still being there.
I thought I would feel some relief with leaving and some peace with knowing that I could see certain male friends that he wasn’t comfortable with and so on. But in reality I now feel so terribly and totally alone, anxious and terrified for the future. I feel like I have thrown my life away. I can’t stop crying and am having to do everything in my power not to go back. He is so charming and lovely, ambitious, cheeky and funny, handsome and was my best friend.
I live with my parents and have zero friends locally. I have worked really hard to be self employed doing what I love, but that means that I don’t see anyone. There is nothing for me in my home town apart from the work opportunity. When we met I was working in another city and as we met through work we shared the same friends. My whole social life was built on our life together and that city, which I now feel like I have no place being there. My other friends are in other far cities. My sister is in another country.
I feel so, so sad for what I have left behind. This is the second time that I have had to do this in a year – build a life and tear it down. The first time at least I had my social job and was in the city. Now I’m completely alone. If I move I probably won't be able to afford to keep up with my dream of being self employed.
I am relatively young but just don’t feel like I have the energy to fix this. I've had too many hits over the years to my mental health and I am getting so very tired of the hopeless feelings. My anxiety has come raging back over the last year and I have no access to mental health through the NHS - they have really let me down. I can’t imagine how I will ever meet anyone else. I know some people are fine alone but I don't want that.
I know the relationship had some issues but now I feel even worse. I’ve given up everything. Maybe my partner was right in that I should be able to live with some difficulties. He said he would continue to work on things and I just so desperately want to believe that I can go back and things will be better. But deep down I know they won't.
Sorry for blabbing but I just need a handhold. I’m really scared and moving on feels so daunting. I don’t know how I will make friends here and I miss my life and my partner so much.