Relationship problem - any advice appreciated

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My partner started a new job 8 months ago, an intense management role. We also welcomed our second child 5 months ago.

Since he took this position he has changed a lot. He is and still can be a loving fun and kind partner, I still see it within him, but more often than not he just sleeps when he’s home, is irritable, snappy and seems disinterested in any conversation about there being a problem. I have tried many times to talk about how I’m feeling but each time he claims I just nag and that I’m never happy. He won’t even consider how I feel. I have also noticed a change in how he acts towards me during conversations/arguments - previously he wouldn’t have ever raised his voice, got angry or said outright cruel things..this now occurs 99% of the time. He doesn’t even flinch if I’m left in tears and will happily walk away from me.

I’m a bit lost of what to do, talking ( even if I approach it in the nicest un confrontational way ) never has any effect. I have tried to just let it sit and sort itself without mentioning anything, the only result this seems to be having is that I feel more and more distant from him and find myself making plans to actually be away / busy in the evenings because I just can’t look forward to spending time together anymore. Which hurts.

In terms of our sex life, it’s almost non existent now- which is difficult for me as I find this an important connection in a relationship. Again, bringing this up only ends in him taking offence and getting angry.

He complains he doesn’t see the children enough with his new work but then on weekends seems equally irritated with them.

He is absolutely in love with his new job, and seems to be dedicating everything he has into it and leaving nothing left for us. He’s very set on the view that you need to work hard to have a successful home and to support the family, which I’ve always agreed with but I’m starting to feel like all of this, which is ‘for’ the family is actually at the expense of the family.

I’m totally lost, I feel like he’s slowly evolving into a man so different from the one I fell in love with and I don’t know how to save this. I’m gradually feeling more and more distant and finding it easier to just shut off and enjoy the other aspects of my life which don’t include him - which is really sad because we used to be such a team and enjoy life together.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Are you getting help with the dc/ new baby?
You need a cleaner if he isn't able to help - frees up your time too, to spend together. He can't expect you to do it all.

Ask him to help make things better. Pick one evening - that's you and him save all your moans up, no carping or horrid ness fro anyone all week. Write down as you go. Raise it - no interrupting abc work through each other's list? Be nice though:)

He is right work is hard and worth it, but happily married needs attention too.

You need some time to enjoy life, even if it's just bath time and ten kids peace together, enjoy each other. Make s list and sort what you can and be positive with each other.

Ask him what you abc he could do, little things that matter.

It screams affair to me. Probably entirely wrong but the combination of less sex, irritable, new job...

Classic affair script.

I think you'll find your "problem" works with him.

I have also noticed a change in how he acts towards me during conversations/arguments - previously he wouldn’t have ever raised his voice, got angry or said outright cruel things..this now occurs 99% of the time. He doesn’t even flinch if I’m left in tears and will happily walk away from me

He is absolutely in love with his new job, and seems to be dedicating everything he has into it and leaving nothing left for us

Call him out on his horrid behaviour towards you. Don't accept it. He's not treating you with respect.

I doubt it, he works normal hours and is home eitherside without fail. Doesn’t see any friends or anything etc or spend any time outside work away anywhere else. Phone and work phone is always left out without passwords on and has no problem with me using them.

Perhaps write him a letter calmly expressing your feelings. Arrange a date night once a week /fortnight when neither of you complains about the other or discusses domestic issues. If that fails counselling if he will go for it

Thank you. Yes maybe the writing down idea, and doing it once a week is a good idea. In terms of time together, kids go to bed at 6 so there’s plently of time and we used to enjoy it but now he just wants to watch tv and go to sleep straight away.

Let’s hope he will actually considering it instead of just seeing it as me having a nag about what he doesn’t do right :/

Sounds like depression to me? Disengaged, irritable, loss of sex drive, unable to think beyond himself.

He's not having an affair he is just wrapped up in his new job and probably tired, be careful if this continues though because lack of communication and sex life does lead to both parties being by real W to an affair. Hopefully it will settle down when he settles in a bit more at work

I was wondering about depression. I saw on his phone accidentally the other day that he had googled a nhs depression quiz. Not quite sure how to tred around that if he is so addimant he doesn’t want to talk tho.

It screams affair to me
Me too.
But if there are no other signs and he's googling depression then I think you need to tackle it from that angle.
I'd be telling him the love is dying and if he doesn't start to engage then it's the beginning of the end.
Would he agree to couples counselling?

you need to work hard to have a successful home and to support the family
But's he's not supporting the family emotionally at all.
He's not supporting you in engaging with the DC.

I'd really need to get the bottom of this before you lose every bit of love for him.

It all says depression / stress to me rather than affair. If he has Googled a depression quiz then he must be having similar thoughts; tricky if he won't talk to you about it, but gently mentioning it now and again may nudge him in the right direction towards seeking help.

I think that despite him wanting to give the impression he loves his new job, perhaps it's just all a bit too much, a new job, I daresay he feels and perceives that this brings more pressure and expectation both at work, and at home, and he'll be putting pressure on himself, especially combined with another new baby which, as lovely as it is, doesn't come stress or worry free, either.

He is perhaps letting things get on top of him but doesn't want to let you or anyone else down by saying so.

If he has googled a depression quiz then that has to be a sign, and actually a rather positive one as he recognises something isn't right so you're half way to helping him get help.

Please open up to him, tell him you've noticed a difference in him, encourage him to go to the Drs (phone and make an appointment for him)

(I didn't want to acknowledge some of the comments above, but for reassurance, I don't think that taking all the things into account that you've said, the he is having an affair)

Suggest you try organising childcare and attending couple’s counselling sessions with someone well qualified, eg BACP, and tell him straight that his behaviour has changed and is really upsetting you.

Would also suggest returning to paid work after your maternity leave, especially if you’re not married.

If a mental health issue is a factor that’s still no excuse for his unkind behaviour.

Not an excuse but some MH problems can leave you very much lacking in insight and very much devoid of feeling any form of emotion or empathy. When I became unwell I also became very irritable and snappy and was occasionally deliberately cruel in order to try and get people around me to distance themselves - my behaviour became completely self sabotaging and unfortunately the impact on others became something that I was less able to comprehend as I had become so inward - looking. It is unpleasant and shouldn't go unchallenged by the OP at all as it is causing distress, but this kind of behaviour can very much signal someone who is really struggling.

Thank you all for your messages. I will try my best to try and talk with him this evening. Whenever I try and gently ask if he’s feeling ok and how he feels about everything and his answer is always I don’t know and you litrally cant get anymore from him - I can just hope he is a little more receptive this time.

I can appreciate he’s under a lot of stress with a busy job that’s emotionally demanding, new baby and we have also just sold our house so house hunting which is stressful. But I do believe the stresses need to be shared and talked about rather than just shutting them out. I feel as though there is an underlying issue and the stresses at the moment have just bought it to the forefront. Possibly this is depression or possibly he is having doubts about us (although in the past, he has said he absolutely wants us as a family he just doesn’t feel as though he makes me happy - which he does, when he’s himself but I can’t help but feel emotionally strained when he won’t put emotional effort into our relationship. I do belive you have to work at a relationship, throughout and it won’t just continue happily if you never give it your time and effort).

But then again, maybe this isn’t what he wants and he finds it hard to accept to me that that is the case because he’s quite morally set in a way which is that family’s stay together and splitting up isn’t an option when you have children - his family also share the same view so maybe there’s some kind of pressure against him that would make him feel ashamed if that was the issue.

In terms of work, I will be returning in 8 weeks. Although with 2 children in childcare we won’t actually be any better off!

I didn't tell my husband what I was feeling at all, even when he asked (very gently too - no pressure). I still don't ever tell friends or family how I feel, ever. No chance. BUT the asking did prompt me to seek help eventually and I had a year's worth of seeing a psychologist from the NHS who I was able to open up to. The feeling as if he isn't making you happy also resonates deeply with me.

I very much feel for you OP, you're having a rough ride.

Staying but treating you badly isn’t on: couple’s counselling may help get to the bottom of it.

Il have a look into any counciling in our are. The main problem is he refuses to see how he’s treating everyone, he doesn’t think he’s being anything but normal and that I’m just nagging - but it’s anything but normal from my perspective!

It took me four years to see that I was the one causing the problems in my relationship because of my depression. Not completely, but I was expecting love and patience and adoration without giving any. All I gave him was misery and exhaustion and nagging and blame. I told him it was his fault I was miserable. I wasn't kind. He was a bit crap at being thoughtful occasionally but I way overreacted and after four years I just realised it was me and booked that GP appt. Things are much better now. Perhaps that's it from his side, it's so hard to see it sometimes but I always had a feeling something was going on with me, but couldn't face it. He may find it easier to write down. I don't know how you could approach it but he probably knows something is up but can't quite join the connection. Sending love to you.

Thank you, it’s helpful to have the other sides perspective so I can try and understand how he sees things.

Your all very kind, means a lot.