How do you stop hating dh?

[Confusedpleasehelp]

Dh and I married young and have been married 19 years now. We have 2 young children. I married him against my parents wishes and Divorcing isn’t an option as I couldn't do that to my family and bring that Shame on them again or my children who are already made to feel awkward because of their mixed religious background. I feel trapped and I hate him though.

I don’t know what the point of this is, I’m just desperate for someone to sympathise and desperate to get it all of my chest. [* post edited by MNHQ - OP we've sent you a PM to explain]

After marriage my husband turned into a total workaholic and in his minimal spare time would always go out with friends, the gym over me and kids. We dont do anything as a family, he has only been to a handful of sports days or parents evenings or anything to do with the kids since they were small. I do all normal parenting stuff myself e.g. zoo trips, seasides, seeing extended family, kids birthday parties, homework you name it, everything done alone. He is never around in evenings or weekends and hasn’t been for most of the last 15 or so years.

We both work full time but he has never done anything in the house except online banking and looking after finances. It’s all my fault, I’ve enabled this by always doing laundry, cooking, all chores, all diy, all errands, shopping, all childcare in week and on weekends even though I work Full time too. I don’t know why, but probably because I’ve always been reminded of what a high powered, pressured job he has and how much money he makes. My job is secondary and my entire life is worthless in comparison to his. He will come home nd watch tv while I am still doing housework for another 2 hours or whatever most days.

The way he treats our house shows a total lack of respect for me. He leaves things everywhere and makes it clear it’s my role to do housework and he is so busy with his long hours and his job that I have to do it.

We haven’t had sex in just 7 years since conceiving second child. Not that I want to anyway as I hate being in the same room as him.

He is rude to me and rude to the kids. Always argumentative and nothing we do is good enough. No picture they draw is good enough. Littlest one has started riding a bike without stabilisers and today, instead of praise he told her it’s about time given she is 6 and that only stupid kids need stabilisers after 3. That I should have taught her sooner. That’s it’s my fault she’s 6 and only just got it now. It’s this type of talking to me and kids day in day out. And I hate him so much I can’t even look at him.

He brings nothing but misery to every day. And has done for the last 10 years.

But thing is, I had a very brief affair 5 years ago. There is no excuse and I have been paying the price for what I’ve done every day since. He doesn’t know but my guilt means I do everything and more without ever complaining. My affair was after years of feeling physically drained by being with my husband and no sex or no emotion and no intimacy. For a very short time in my life I felt happy but I knew it was wrong and I could never leave my husband or his family and ended it.

What I can’t figure out now is, whether I’ll ever be able feel Anything but total hatred towards my husband for how horrible he is to me and our kids every day and for how little he gives us as a family. Or whether my feelings are just made worse because I had an affair and I’m comparing my marriage to a fantasy.

This isn’t really about my affair but how I can start to tolerate living with my husband. Because I hate him and how useless and selfish he is so much I just don’t think I can get over the way I feel to him.

But I can’t divorce him so have to find a way but I can’t suggest counselling. It isn’t what the community does and he wouldn’t go. Would my own counselling help me hate him less?

Hi I don’t think you can stop the hate who can blame you he is horrible and selfish person but maybe learn to tolerate him. Can u get counselling for yourself help talk through your feelings and the guilt do you think he would ever leave you seeing as you haven’t got much of a marriage could he be having sex elsewhere? Seems odd that a man isn’t pressuring you to have sex 7 years is a very long time you strayed maybe he is. Could you leave if he had? Would that be acceptable in your parents eyes? What about separate bedrooms is that an option that might help good luck 🤗

It's not 1850. There's no such thing as can't divorce in 2018, even though you're clearly from a different culture.

So to the hatred of your DH.

Will you ever be able to stop hating him? No. Quite rightly, he's awful. He's awful to you he's awful to your children. You need to stop thinking about your parents and your community and start thinking about your kids. Ok so you married an arsehole, it's not uncommon. You can't change the past but you can change the future. You need to protect them and get them away from this awful man, or they will be permanently damaged.

If you're in the U.K. and you need to talk to someone from your community about abusive relationships and divorce there are relevant helplines and charities to support you.

You only get one life. Stop spending it trying to prevent others feeling uncomfortable or shamed, it's a total waste. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I don't think anyone should have to spend the rest of their life in misery be ause of societal expectations. Be brave and live your best life

I know you say that you couldn't leave him because of what it would do to your parents but look at what staying with him will do and is doing to your kids. It's not fair on them to have to grow up in this life because you don't want to embarrass your parents.
You and your children only get one life, don't waste it being unhappy

I don't have any real advice. Its just very sad. Counselling may help but a lifetime in this situation is simply not sustainable.

I’m not surprised you hate him. He sounds horrible. I don’t think learning to tolerate him would be a good thing even if that were possible. Which it isn’t.
You need to see a solicitor and work out your options for divorce in my view.

Of course you can divorce him, and while you're at it, I suggest you divorce yourself from the oppressive religion and cultural expectations that you are allowing to control your life. The only shame you should have is wasting your life with an abusive man in a loveless marriage.

The thing is that he seems so nice to everyone else and is the perfect son and brother. Other people look at him and see a successful funny nice man. But he isn’t very nice and doesn’t make my of us smile.

He isn’t abusive I should have made that more clear. He hasn’t ever hit me or the kids he is just really horrible verbally all the time and never shows any of us affection or kindness.

Being horrible verbally is abusive, OP

He's what's called emotionally abusive OP.

So he verbally abuses your children but you won't consider divorce? Shame on you

Calling your 6 year old "stupid" isn't abuse to you? I assure you it is and this abuse is going to scar your children for the rest of their lives. By staying with him you are allowing him to ruin your children. Can you really make up enough excuses to justify your complacency in this?

He is abusive in many ways. You know you need to leave him. Please be brave. Your children don't have a choice, you do.

Forget about the past, what he did, you did, it's a toxic marriage that will end up affecting your poor children for the rest of their lives. Sorry to be harsh but they are what matters now.

OP I am sending you massive hugs and strength. It is so sad to read that you don't consider his behaviour to be abusive, it really really is.

You cannot put your children through this any more. It is unfair to them. You must put their needs above any temporary shame you might feel. (I don't agree that you should feel shame but I have some understanding of how it happens)

In 20 year's time what do you want your children to think of? Being sad and scared of dad or proud of mum?

He's verbally abusive.
He is out 'with friends' or 'at the gym' rather than with his family.
He avoids intimacy, you've not had sex in 7 years.
He has a domestic assistant at home, that he treats with utter contempt, and who contributes financially as she works full time as well as looking after the children and doing all the chores/todying up after him. (yes that's you)
I would do a little detective work and find out who he is spending all his time with....bet there is an OW. Would that help you divorce him without feeling guilty about it to your family? It isn't shameful to escape from an emotionally abusive relationship whatever your religious differences.

I understand this must be so so difficult, but simply for your children, try and find a way out. I would be so angry if someone spoke to my DS like that, let alone someone who should love and nurture them.

Everything else aside He will do lasting mental damage to your kids and why should they grow up in an unhappy household just because of family shame ....bloody shame...he should be ashamed treating his kids like that.

Yes SHAME ON YOU for allowing your children to be bullied and verbally abused just to save your image and to stop your parents thinking badly of you? That's not right

Poor kids. You're meant to protect them

"He isn’t abusive I should have made that more clear. He hasn’t ever hit me or the kids he is just really horrible verbally all the time and never shows any of us affection or kindness".

That is abusive behaviour from him. Abuse does not solely have to be physical in nature. Also he does not have to hit you to hurt you, what he is doing here to you works for him all too well.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Did your parents have a similar relationship to what you describe?
Guilt re your affair is also misplaced here; you embarked on that purely and simply because of the state of your marriage.

A friend of mine is Asian and ended two marriages end due to abuse; she does not feel any shame and her family of origin and the wider community have not lived her life. No religion sanctions abusive treatment within marriage.

You do realise as well that if you were to stay with this man your children could well accuse you of being daft to do so particularly if you stated you stayed because of bringing down more shame upon your family.

Consider this point too. Your own relationship with your kids going forward could be affected because they won't want anything to do with you because you failed to protect them and yourself from their dad. They will accuse you of putting him before them. Who is more important to you ultimately; your children or these feelings of shame which you are inflicting upon yourself?.

What is your definition of abuse?

You stay with him simply because of your own misguided opinion about bringing shame onto your parents again. Its not about them or your religion; its about you and your kids. You are showing your children that currently at least this abusive treatment of you and in turn them is acceptable to you on some level. How does that square with your religious beliefs; it does not.

No counsellor would ever want to talk to you together in the same room. Joint counselling therefore is a complete non starter here and it is also never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse isn't allowed in any religion and what you are going through is emotional abuse.

You work full time and take care of the kids and home - what do you need him for ? Nothing .

At the end of the day you are living your life , and if you don't want to think of yourself , think of your kids. If you have a son he needs a positive role model in his life to show him how to treat women. If you have a daughter she needs to understand that women don't get treated like this and should not put up with it. Show them what a healthy relationship is. Be strong.

I am from an Asian background and I can imagine how daunting it is for you because in some families it's frowned upon. But this is the 21st century and most people don't care anymore. I'm sure it's just your own anxieties about it all holding you back.

I don't think counselling can fix this personally. Leave for the sake of your kids.

Also- I don't think he would be lasting 7 years without sex. He's getting it somewhere else.

Sending hugs x

There is nothing that anyone can advise to make living with him more tolerable - because that would be absolutely ludicrous.

It seems that you are giving more weight to not bringing shame upon your family than you are to yours and your children's happiness - which is just madness.

For goodness' sake - physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse!

Your children's lives, personalities and future relationships will be affected by the disgusting way your husband treats them and you. It is your responsibility as their mother to remove them from this tixic environment, even if you aren't willing to do it for your own sake.

Your poor children - having to grow up in a toxic home environment because their mother doesn't want to lose face. How selfish you are to stay with your awful husband. You are modelling unhealthy relationship behaviours for your children.