Not sure why I’m posting really. Feeling a bit disillusioned with my relationship with my parents and not sure if it is fair etc.
I always thought I had a wonderful childhood. It was only when I got a bit older, mid twenties, that it dawned on me that it wasn’t that brilliant.
My relationship with my parents and sibling is good now. I see them a lot and we do have some happy times for sure.
But I can’t shake this deep sadness and anger that rears its head often. My sister was very successful as a child (can’t say much as too outing). As adult I am probably now objectively more successful. But as a child she was streets ahead with a particular skill set. My parents would leave me for hours and even days at a time to enable my sibling to further this skill. I never felt important to them and used to act out a lot, seeking attention from them.
Among other things my mum called me a little hitler, a show off (when singing and dancing on a karaoke set which was given as a gift) and told me that she would be far more worried about my sister than me if something happened to her, as she didn’t think I would be any form of support but my sister would be for me. As an adult my mum has visited my home once since I moved in 3 years ago (it’s an hour drive). She’s not elderly and regaulrly drives further to shops etc. This to me is just an extension of how I felt as a child and probably wouldn’t be a big deal to most people. My sister feels the same - our parents always have their own agenda and never want to put time aside simply to spend it with us. Of course this could be usual and I read into it with resentment because of the past.
I could list many more things but really I just want to know how to adjust my approach to relationships. Whilst my parents have always been around, I’ve never felt I could depend on them. I still don’t. I’m an adult now so I get that I probably shouldn’t see them as people to depend on anyway. But the entire experience has made me fiercely independent. I’m seeing a lovely new bloke and I’m terrified to let him in. I just think he will let me down. Conversely, I’ve had relationships with no boundaries that have been truly awful.
Probably doesn’t make much sense. Head is a mess I’m sorry.