Do you think you can be ready for a relationship and not be able to cope with OLD?

[ButternutSquashSoup]

I've never had a relationship and now I'm nearly 30 I'm beginning to worry quite a lot about it, as I do really want a family.

OLD frightens the crap out of me. I would really like to meet someone more naturally. This of course is problematic as it obviously hasn't happened yet.

I have such low self confidence and such high social anxiety (especially around men). It is not as though I am waiting for a knight in shining armour but just someone who I can get to know gradually.

Great post. Watching with interest op.

Feel very similar about OLD but I think that’s just the way society is nowadays, less “meet cutes” and more of the online cattle market

Yes. OLD is a nightmare imo.

I do think that if you are ready to meet people, you should aim to meet as many as possible. A very good friend of mine used to be upset that she knew so few men; her hobbies were choral singing and novel reading. I remember she was invited to a fancy dress party and wanted to go as a character from a children's book of our own era that she had loved. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this but you are going to meet more men if you expand your hobbies and socialising out of ones that are female dominated

you are going to meet more men if you expand your hobbies and socialising out of ones that are female dominated

I have to admit I do stick to yoga etc.

I hate the looks aspect of OLD... I don't like taking photographs of myself and I don't like judging people by a photograph either. It does feel like a meat market.

Old was not for me. I gave it up as a bad job. Tried it for a few weeks. Went out with my best friend and we talked about it, what I didn't like and deleted.

We went back to hers for a coffee after our afternoon out. Her brother was in her kitchen when we got back. A year later me and the brother are a very happy couple. Took us a while But slowly we became close.

Old is really not my bag and Dp turned up when I least expected it.

I met my partner on OLD but I had it on the back burner of my life. I just had a nice message one day amongst all the bull shit. I didn't make it my world such as logging in regularly and having pointless chats.

I think I would find it very hard to filter the bullshit and not take it personally. Had you had relationships before?

I actually think OLD is good for this.

It means you can filter out all the crap before you even get chatting to someone - you can say exactly what you want and don’t want and don’t have to waste your time making small talk with someone in a bar (or even going to a bar in the first place!)

It can be demotivating when there is so much crap on there but my god, when you get a good one, it’s fucking fantastic

I met my DP on a dating app. I was on it for 5 days and off again, he was my only date!

you can say exactly what you want

I thought that would be the problem.... in that a) I don't exactly know what I want and b) anyone reading about a 30 y/o, no previous relationships would be frightened off?

Just don’t say no previous relationships op. That can come up during messaging or first date when you explain why you want to take th8 gs slow

It doesn't even need to come up in the first date, it only needs to be mentioned if it comes up naturally and in a way you're comfortable with.

You know what you want more than you realise

Ie, you probably don’t want anyone who paints themselves as being a big party animal etc, probably you don’t want someone who already has kids etc etc

Once you work out what you don’t want all the stuff that you do want falls in to place

Definitely don’t worry about the non-dating thing either

I am open to a relationship but have 100% given up on OLD. If that means I stay single forever so be it. However I am a fair bit older than you and have 2 grown up DCs so it’s easier for me to be single. Personally I have found OLD to be an absolute nightmare. I’ve done it on and off for years and never found anyone with true long term potential. The phrase needle in a haystack springs to mind! It’s tough OP. I actually think OLD has diminished people’s chances of a good relationship. In my younger days you’d meet guys in bars and so on and develope from there. Now people are lazy and don’t bother making approaches in real life as they can do it online. I don’t see that as a positive thing.

I met my partner through OLD had never had a relationship before and was mid 20s. I had no other way of meeting people outside of work. I looked at it as maybe I could find a friend at first. I ignored many messages and he was the 3rd person I met up with and I remain friends with the other two.

I have never OLD but have friends that have and the results have been mixed. It's just a chance to look at and potentially meet far more men that you would usually get the opportunity to. Its a filtering system and a numbers game.

Your real issue sounds like your confidence levels and not knowing what you want.

I had a tick list and mine was very conscious, many people may find that appalling but I think many have one on a subconscious level.

At risk of being accused of mansplaining DH said women that obviously were wanting dc more than anything else and that was their sole purpose were the biggest turn off ever. He wanted a woman who actually wanted him.

Having mutual interests is really useful and also having a broad knowledge base and having opinions so conversation is easier when it comes to dating generally.

Have you tried going to meetup groups? It might be a way to widen your interests and also meet someone offline.

I found DH at a pub when I went out with a different group of friends one night. I went out all the time but I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I did loads of things locally. Perhaps you could do that? Any events in town, go to them. This time of year is great because you’ve got Halloween, bonfire night then lots of Christmas events. Also go out with different friendship groups, expand your horizons & you’ll meet lots of people mutually. OLD wasn’t for me either. It just seems full of weirdos!

And definitely start new hobbies, that’s a great way to meet people!

I think a lot of women need to understand that if they have kids many guys these days just dont enjoy family life and the Groundhog Day aspects of it. These guys ‘think’ they will, they aren’t deliberately setting out to deceive but when it comes down to it, they don’t. It’s not all men by any means but it really is plenty and oh many women don’t really love it either but end up being left to get on with it. I think so many of us feel it’s the natural life pattern and kind of feel obliged

I've been half heartedly doing OLD since spring. Lots of men who I have nothing in common with, I've made a couple of lovely friends and been out on some nice dates even if they are not for me. I'm now about to meet this awesome guy. Just try it, you have nothing to lose and it'll take a while to learn how to do it. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your life, so share what you're comfortable with as and when you get to know them.

It's a great opportunity to meet available people and to filter out things early on. Because you both know what you want and don't want, you can discount people before you get emotionally attached.

If you have the opportunity to meet lots of men in your normal life then great but many people don't and this is where OLD fills a space . I know of several people who are now in relationships with partners they have met this way , myself included.