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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex keeps turning up at my house begging for another chance

20 replies

MorningMimosa · 15/10/2018 19:37

I need some wise words/a reality check. I left a toxic relationship two weeks ago (lots of arguing, I didn’t feel I could trust him towards the end, him wrongly accusing me of cheating, him being quite controlling, him blowing hot and cold). My friends and family are relieved I’ve finished things with my ex as they think he was abusive and manipulative.

Since we split up I’ve blocked him on everything but he keeps trying to get me back. He’s sent me messages through my eBay account as he’s blocked on every form of electronic communication, he’s sent letters and left a card on my car. He keeps begging for another chance, saying he wants to marry me and he can’t let me go. I haven’t responded to him. He’s now started turning up at my house begging and crying. He did this twice over the weekend (I haven’t answered the door to him). Tonight he turned up when I finished work and one of my neighbours told him to clear off.

Just to be very clear here - this is all an act, right? And it’s not normal for him to behave like this? When I finished with him I told him in no uncertain terms that it’s over. He didn’t take it very well but since I blocked him on everything I would have thought it was obvious to him that I don’t want to engage anymore. My friends/family say he is trying to worm his way back in and not to believe a word he says, they all say I cannot go back to him (they all really dislike him). I think I’m starting to confuse his persistence with him genuinely wanting me back and I need some outside opinions to help me remain strong and not cave in.

OP posts:

TastelesslyDone · 15/10/2018 19:40

Even if he did genuinely want you back, what difference would it make? You’re well rid.

Also - it’s an act.

ItsABlusteryDay · 15/10/2018 19:44

Yes it is all an act. You are doing well so far, don't engage with him. He will likely start to bad mouth and abuse you when he realises the begging is not getting him anywhere. Well done so far, you've done the hard part now you just need to hold your ground.

ivykaty44 · 15/10/2018 19:47

It’s part of the controlling behaviour, unfortunately he is playing the controller & using the guilt trip method to get you to do what he wants

Original poster

MorningMimosa · 15/10/2018 19:51

ivykaty I know what you mean about the guilt trip. In one of the letters he sent me he gave me a sob story about someone in his family being taken into hospital and one of his work colleagues has died since we’ve broken up. It just seems like he’s trying anything to get attention or sympathy from me.

I needed to hear these replies - thank you. Im going to stay strong and continue to not engage with him.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2018 19:56

They do these things. An ex of mine, when I finished it with him, went to bed and stayed there, crying, for three days! It didn't do any good, it didn't make me love him again, and it was embarrassing. That sort of behaviour might make you feel a bit sorry for him, but that's not love, is it? Don't give in. You know it makes sense.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/10/2018 19:59

He's actually telling you he doesn't think your feelings, wants and needs are valid or important. This begging and promising is because he thinks what he wants, you, is more important by far than what you want.

If he wanted to change he would have done it when the relationship was toxic. He chose not to. He thought he could do what he wanted and you would accept it. He's not an idiot. He know his behaviour was controlling and abusive in the relationship. Dumping him hasn't been a miraculous wake up call. He just thinks you're a sucker who will fall for tears and emotional fake promises.

He still thinks he can do what he wants: HE 'can't let you go' is saying that he thinks that you have no choice in the matter. You don't count, only what he wants counts. It's not romantic. It is not based on his loving feelings for you. It's creepy and harassment. You took back control and he doesn't like it.

As a previous poster has said be prepared for the anger and insults next when you don't comply.

Do not fall for this shite. He hasn't suddenly changed. He's just changed tactics.

muchalover · 15/10/2018 19:59

If it becomes threatening call the police. If he becomes a pest call the police. Stalking is taken much more seriously now.

ivykaty44 · 15/10/2018 20:00

Good for you - don’t be sucked into this game. This is a really immature relationship due to his manipulation. You are worth far more than this

donajimena · 15/10/2018 20:02

He's actually harassing you. Would you behave that way towards someone who had ended a relationship with you. Next will come the nasty when he realises its not working. He's not a nice man.

Katisha · 15/10/2018 20:02

He'll probably have some sort of crisis that only you can help with soon...

gamerchick · 15/10/2018 20:06

If he continues to be a pest ask a policeman to have a quiet word with him. It usually does the trick.

If he pulls the suicide attempt bollocks, don't engage. Just straight to the police to do a welfare check. It's important you don't engage with him.

Original poster

MorningMimosa · 15/10/2018 20:07

I actually think he did the same thing to his ex before me come to think of it. He’d mentioned that he had to go to her house a few times after she dumped him to give back some of her stuff and one time it got a bit ‘heated’ - more like he was pulling the same stunt on her.

OP posts:

CaptSkippy · 15/10/2018 20:08

Keep ignoring him as much as possible and don't read or even look at anything he gives you. Just don't take it. He will give up eventually, but it will take time.

MulticolourMophead · 15/10/2018 20:16

Thingsdogetbetter said it better than I could. I've had that from ex, and the only reason he wasn't on the doorstep for me and the DCs is that he didn't (maybe still doesn't) know our address.

Honeyroar · 15/10/2018 20:16

Can you chuck a bucket of water over him from an upstairs window- he'll soon get cold and bugger off! (Joke!)

Seriously, your neighbour sounds fab. I'd go round and thank him, tell him he's hassling you a bit. He might get rid of him again.

Keep a diary of when he came and for how long. And do call the police if it continues for more than a couple of days. It's neither normal or romantic to do this to an ex.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2018 20:24

This is abusive manipulation at it's "finest." Don't be surprised if he suddenly says he'll kill himself if you don't take him back, the good old "I can't live without you" bullshit.

You are doing brilliantly by not engaging with him, and I implore you not to. Not in any way whatsoever. No emails, calls, letters, or texts. Don't even go to the door to tell him to fuck off. It will only add fuel to his fire.

Document everything and if this nonsense continues, you need to go to the police.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2018 20:40

Once an abusive person has formed an abusive/toxic relationship with someone, they don't want to let them go. Because they know that victims are not easy to find and time-consuming to 'train'. Naturally their loathe to let us go when we finally break free! They'll go to great lengths to get us back.

If I were you, I'd consider speaking to the police. Perhaps they could have a word with him without you having to file actual charges against him. I don't think you need or should wait until things rise to the level of 'threats'. Harassment is 'unwanted and repeated contact despite being told to desist'. Sounds to me as if he's meeting that definition.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2018 20:41

their = they're. Ugh!

SandyY2K · 16/10/2018 01:07

Ignore him.

Unblock and tell him to stop harassing you or you'll be forced to seek legal advice.

THEN BLOCK HIM

If he persists after that, you have proof you told him to stop and his contact is unwanted/unwelcome.

If he was physically abuse...I'd continue to ignore him. Hopefully he'll het fed up and stop.

caringcarer · 16/10/2018 01:35

You are doing well. Keep him blocked. Do not read any notes or anything he leaves for you. If je persists it just shows he has no respect for you. Phone police and report harassment. They will have quiet word with him and he will most likely stop. He may change tack and get his friends to beg on his behalf. Ignore and find a half decent replacement who will treat you better.

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