so tired of it

[Nimo12]

Please be gentle with me here. I'm really feeling in a bad place at the moment and I guess me posting is me seeing if it will be therapeutic for me. I've name changed for this post and I apologise in advance if its long but I didn't want to miss anything.

I've been with my partner for 3 years. There are no children involved and we do not currently live together. I live in a small one bedroom flat which bought in my 20s. It's really not big enough for two people to live comfortably and he is staying at his parent's house where he's lived since we met. We've spoken about getting a bigger place together in the future but for now, it works for us.

I had returned to university a year before we met and got my degree in June this year. During this time I've struggled financially and received a lot of help from my own parents but it really was worth it as I never thought i'd get a degree in a subject I love. Despite this, I really tried to keep my finances to myself and try not to moan too much about not having much money. That was just my situation. I started a job the week after I finished at university and have been there since while I continue to look for work in my field as well as work on my own projects and website to try and eventually earn an income from these. Despite working full time, I have a lot of bills and outgoings and am still trying to get back on my feet financially after studying.

During this time, he left his job which was really impacting his mental health and I encouraged him to return to study. He is always having ideas for businesses and is really talented but wants everything NOW so when they don't immediately start to make him a lot of money, he'll move onto the next thing.

Most of the time, he's a loving, caring partner and we enjoy a lot of the same things and have a really good time together... but not all of the time. He has a bad temper. Like, from 1 to 100 in seconds and from what he's told me, this has been an issue all his life. He's never been violent to me but when he's in a bad mood there's absolutely no speaking with him. I've often wondered if he has ADHD. The reasons I've wondered this are because he cannot ever sit in silence. He'll talk and rant constantly and even if we're watching a film or tv sometimes I have to tell him to stop giving a commentary. He also needs a lot of external stimulation and often will have the tv on, music on at the same time and be watching something else on his tablet. He'll get arsey sometimes if I turn the tv off or the music as though I'm weird for not being able to listen to numerous things at once. He'll also sometimes develop obsessions about things. Conspiracy theories and the likes and talk about it constantly. It wears me down sometimes.

I borrowed £50 from him last month (he offered) and have since paid it back in 2 £25 instalments. Yesterday morning, he woke up in a bad mood and started talking about how hard he works on his ideas, how he doesn't want to work for someone and how my financial situation was putting strain on the relationship. I rarely discuss it apart from the occasional "urgh im skint" comment. I always try and pay my way and since we spend every weekend at my house, I have been, until very recently when I mentioned it, providing all of the dinners when he stayed. I've never previously borrowed money from him and this came out of nowhere for me. He then left, apologising on the way out but text later about how i was foolish for working full time when it wasn't covering my needs and I should be working on business ideas like him. He doesnt seem to appreciate that I have a mortgage and bills. I add that he is yet to make a full-time wage from any of his ideas. He said he was practically supporting me and how unfair it was when he was a student. Then said he'd given me £100 last month and he'd only asked me for half back. This is not true! When I text him the dates I'd transferred him the money back he got angry that I couldn't remember about the other £20. (I know that the figures don't add up to £100). I honestly don't remember it! I told him I felt bad if I'd forgotten £20 somewhere and id get it to him when I was paid. He then got angry that I didn't remember about it and said he shouldn't have to remind me and why was i texting him dates instead of being grateful for the loan.

It sounds so trivial reading it but I feel emotionally exhausted. Its not the first time something has blown up into a mega huge deal for him.
I've not spoken to him since. Part of me thinks we just have entirely different outlooks on life... the other part of me really loves him and wants things to work out... but I dunno. Maybe i'm just scared of being alone again. I don't think he was angry about £20. I think he's projecting something. I dont know what to do about it.

I don't even know what I expect you all to say. Thanks to anyone who read.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

What do you love about this man?. Is he better than being single then?. If this is what its like after 3 years then its not going to get any better. I would cut your losses now and move on.

Better to be on your own too than to be so badly accompanied; he is basically dragging you down with him. He sounds awful and your relationship bar could do with being raised a lot higher. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly and his bad temper, obsessive behaviour, wanting instant gratification and non existent work ethic are all red flags that should not and cannot be ignored or minimised by you.

Imagine all this hassle for the next 30 years instead of just the last three, it's unlikely to get to better, you're better off on your own imo, he sounds nasty and too much hard work.

He does sound like really hard work!!! Urgh, I don't think I would have the patience to last as long as you have.

He just sounds like a dreamer who is being bankrolled by his parents. Do not move in with him, or you'll be the one paying the mortgage/rent while he wafts about.

Stop being scared about being single. (I actually love it, you don't have to compromise and just do what you want, when you want.)

I honestly can't see you being happy with him long-term.

If you were hoping to settle down with someone and start a family, he doesn't sound like much of a candidate. Someone with that kind of temper is not suited to raising children. And I've known men who are serial, semi serious entrepreneurs. It's usually a dodge to avoiding working full time while someone else pays the bills.

I'd bin him, but that's just me. I think you'd be happier without him to be honest.

He doesn't really sound like he's gotten out into the real world yet. Still living with parents, flitting from one business idea to the next.

He's not going to grow up until he does things for himself OP. Don't become a crutch for him. It also sounds like he's using you as a bit of an emotional punchbag. When shit starts to hit the fan or if he's feeling a bit crap about his situation, he'll take it out on you.

It's not going to get better. You can point out all that you've said above. You pay for his meals when he comes round, you try not to mention finances. Aside from borrowing money once (or twice?), you don't rely on him. You don't ask him to pay your bills.

You both are in different places in life. Trust me when I say, you staying wih him is not going to help either of you. Time to move on I think OP. I know it sounds harsh but it really does sound like he needs to learn some life lessons on his own.

Fucks sake MN... what's the point of me putting in paragraphs only for you to totally ignore them!

Sorry OP. Anyway... if I was looking at this from a slightly more serious and slightly over the top point of view, you could argue that he is trying to wear you down. Get you thinking it's all your fault. Gaslighting you about the £20. All for a nice set up for him to come and move in, take advantage of your position and berate you all the while you're working your socks off.

You could see it from that angle. It's how an emotional abuser would start worming his way in.

I don't think it's that extreme but just be wary.

You sound like you've got it in you to do really well. Without him.
Honestly, you don't need him and it sounds like he's causing you undue stress.
He sounds like a dreamer.......ok......but not if you have kids in future.
He'd probably still be "working on his ideas" while slating you for working f.t and you'd be paying all the childcare and bills too.
I think I'd rather be alone now.

@PlinkPlink there are paragraphs!

@Icannotthinkofauser

They show on the internet pages but not in the chat app.

Thank you for letting me know though

Thank you ladies. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in my life so this was kind of a last resort. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to read and respond. It's the advice I think I was looking for deep down. The emotional punchbag comment really rang true.. as did most of the others.

I know what I have to do. It's just the doing of it. Endings are so hard.

Yep, he’s a ‘wafter’, no commitment and no real connection to the real world in terms of what most of us have to do to survive. He would likely become a full-on cocklodger given half a chance, at your expense if you stick around. He is angry that he isn’t more successful (despite not sticking long enough at anything to be successful) and projecting that onto you.

I agree with Kemer2018 that you sound like someone who could do really well in life and I suspect this man will be a hindrance rather than a help to that. It will be shit for a little while (breakups always are) but, pardon the cliche, you can do better than him

Ummm he’s not “practically supporting” you at all though is he? Even if it’s true about the £100, you’ve already paid him back half of that so in reality you only maybe owe him £50 😳 wtf? That’s not support is it? That wouldn’t even cover all of the food he’s eaten at your house right? Plus I doubt you even do owe him that extra £50. I’d message to say that in fact, it’s been you practically supporting him with all the free meals so on your bike mate! He’s weird and high maintenance and emotionally unhinged. Do you really want to be bothered with it

He is angry that he isn’t more successful (despite not sticking long enough at anythingtobe successful) and projecting that onto you

^^This. Very much this.

I know it's hard OP. They really do suck. But after a little while, I have no doubt, you'll love not having someone around who sucks everything out of you.