fucked up situation with mother - narcissism?

[PrincessDando]

Long story short always had a difficult relationship with my mother. Most recent fall out - she wanted to come round last week, now she never comes round for half an hour or an hour she always stays hours and hours and starts 'tidying' / reorganising things around the house even when we say not to. She says she can't help it.

So if we do let her round, we kind of have to gear up for it mentally and be prepared for her to take over a bit and stay for hours.

Last week I was not feeling well and she wanted to come round under the guise of just picking up something/saying hi to the kids. I said no, she got all upset and started shouting at me and put the phone down on me. After a lifetime of this, I'm not easily manipulated in fact quite the opposite I will kick back at any attempts at manipulation. I explained it wasn't just her, I didn't want ANY visitors as I'm not well but now i'm public enemy number one and she can't understand why I am being 'horrible' to her by not letting her come round.

She literally seems unable to explain what she's done wrong, even though she has phoned my husband and he has very calmly explained that I got upset at her demanding to come round and then putting phone down on me. Then, trying to get him on her side saying she's only trying to help and aren't I being horrible to her.

I'm literally sick of this shit. She's been this way since I've been knee high to a grasshopper, not constantly but much of the time. She also slags of my husband to my face and tells me not to repeat it. Stuff like what he gives the kids for dinner (he's a SAHD) or how he's tidied the house.

Is this narcissism? I've always felt she is a very odd person, and she can't seem to see the part she plays in any breakdown in relationship despite protesting that she 'doesn't understand'. I don't think she wants to understand. In her head she is perfect, and it's always my fault.

If someone told me I'd upset them I'd at least want to listen to why even if I didn't agree with their rationale, or there was another explanation or something. Its like she has a mental block on being in the wrong.

It does seem to be all about her. Which is a sign.

Have you looked at the stately homes thread? The first few posts have some great resources to look through to give you an idea of what’s happening.

I have looked on that thread before and am convinced she has some form of Personality Disorder.

I'm just sick of the constant fallouts and blaming. She can literally never be in the wrong! And then has this poor me victim stance and tells everyone how horrible the other person is (luckily its not always me, it has been my brother, and most recently my sister in law). But I am the only child who has not moved away from my home town, so I get the brunt of it.

EG she was at my brothers house visiting and was asked by SIL not to take her bowl of cereal upstairs to her room as she wanted to, (probably in case of spillages on carpet) she refused to do as SIL asked and when SIL got upset she told everyone how horrible SIL had been to her.

She is always going on about how no one respects her but I don't see her giving that much respect to others.

Where do you think you want to go from here?

You could start with low contact and use the grey rock technique and be amazingly busy to give you a bit of a breather.

If you do, have a read up on FOG, hoovering, flying monkeys, health scares (there maybe more) to prepare you for the possible reactions.

Sounds typical narcissistic behaviour.
My mil is similar except she's more passive.
'I don't know what I've done wrong - I must have been a terrible mother. '
Dh has been no contact 2 years since she decided to tell everyone in the extended family his private business 😳

But not her fault - they needed to know.

I've tried to be gentle but even I've give up.

I have to support/ love the people who give that kind of healthy attitude back.

Aussie, I honestly don't want to see her at all at the moment but think LC is the way to go. I had a horrible, involuntary thought the other day (after this latest incident happened) 'maybe in 10 or so years time she won't be here any more'. I was basically thinking that the only way I can get any peace is after she dies. Then felt bad for thinking that, but it's the truth.