New partner, old ovaries, when to start trying?

[Howsoon]

How soon into a new relationship is too soon to start TTC? I am 36. I don't have the luxury of my 20s etc. I went for a fertility MOT and was told to get cracking (but was single at the time!)

I'd say anything under 18 months is too soon

I had this, started trying way too early before I knew him enough.

Bitterly regret moving so fast now. I’d give it at least a year.

I think it really depends if you’d be prepared to go it alone. I would also make sure that if you do decide to say ‘fuck it’ you have at the very least taken a good hard look at his relationships, both with family, friends and previous partners. If he has a good relationship with his parents and they seem like decent people, has friends you are happy to spend time with and doesn’t have ‘psycho’ exes, that is far more likely to bode well than someone ‘misunderstood’ by those around them.

At 37 I conceived first month of trying.
At 42 third cycle.
Mc once +3 chemicals at 44.
Gave up at 45.

Ask your Dr for some blood work, it will give you an idea of your cycle +its ins and outs!!

How long have you been together?

How old is he?

What does you partner think/say about it?

So it's all hypothetical.

Very new!
We've been dating exclusively for a year, casually dating a few months before that and planning on moving in together in Jan. I was thinking waiting 6 months min after living together?? He thinks 2 years into a relationship is the min at our age, which will be about the same as after we've been living together 6 months. He's 39.

I love him and feel optimistic but am absolutely prepared to go it alone if it doesn't work out. But I am thinking there's ptobably a min amount of time we should be together as a couple before trying, to give us the best chance of making it through the baby years.

All wisdom welcome!

I'm walking and typing so apologies for errors.

Does his 2 years at the minimum mean he might turn around at the 2 year point and say he wants to wait longer?

I think I’d be less concerned about going it alone & more concerned about being forever linked to the parent of your child.

I don't think so. Minimum was just a turn of phrase- I asked him the same question as the OP, what's the min for a 36 year old and he thought 2 years.

Obviously there's no way of knowing whether he'll turn out to be like many of the men or women or seemed lovely then shat on their spouses and kids later. No red flags so far though.

Going it alone is rarely ‘going it alone’. It’s actually parenting alone on a daily basis with another autonomous adult having control and impact on the most vulnerable part of you for pretty much the rest of your life. So be aware that it’s not just hard to be a parent on your own but worse to be a parent on your own with another grown person who may or may not want to target you and make your life miserable.

Having said that, the most important thing is to do your best to do due diligence on the person who fathers your child. Be certain (as you can be) that even in the even of a split he won’t be the type to emotionally abuse you through your child. Because that is very easily done if he wanted to.

We could wait years and years to see if he turns into a dick but I could be infertile by then.

Lots of people post about 2 years. Is that enough? How do you know?

Hideandgo OK I hear you. Need to think on that!

It could take a while to conceive - I think your timescale is fair. I’ve been with my boyfriend 17 months and I’m 4 months pregnant. (Over 40 though so really had to get going). Lots of things drew us together though (eg both have siblings with kids living in same place abroad).
Nb it’s not just you you have to think about age/fertility-wise - is he aware of that?

I think living with him a few months would be sensible. I was pregnant with my first after being with my husband 14 months (we were married and it was planned) and we've not had any issues through the baby and toddler years.

I think that time scale is about right. You want to live together first.

He is aware that when I was 32 I was told to get a move on. He isn't aware that he too might have fertility issues no.

“Men younger than 40 have a better chance of fathering a child than those older than 40. The quality of the sperm men produce seems to decline as they get older.

Most men make millions of new sperm every day, but men older than 40 have fewer healthy sperm than younger men. The amount of semen (the fluid that contains sperm) and sperm motility (ability to move towards an egg) decrease continually between the ages of 20 and 80.” Etc

My DP is ten years younger which I think may well have helped me. I had a fertility test at 35 and it was very positive but I think I was quite lucky to have left it as late as I did and conceive naturally. But I am a good bit older than you!

Why were you told to get a move on?

BTW not meaning to stress you out I just think it’s annoying when men assume their fertility doesn’t also decline with age.

When he says 2 years is he counting the year you've been exclusive for? Or does he mean 2 years after living together?

He's counting the year we've been exclusive...I think. I'll ask!

You're not stressing me out all just conversations about the future at the moment so I'm grateful for any opinions.

Its worth thinking about what you mean when you talk about trying to conceive vs what he means as well. Two years into a relationship where everything is going well, a few months trying, then excitedly preparing for a baby is v different to the reality of trying for six months to a year then you wanting to move on to IVF, testing, etc, and him deciding that actually no, what he meant by trying was just seeing what happened and the money and stress is all a bit much. One of the things I didn't even know to be grateful for was how when it took DH and I longer than planned he was completely ok with sex on a schedule, changes to diet, vitamins, and the prospect of invasive tests and treatments (which thankfully weren't needed) when I now know a lot of other men can be v reluctant and put all the emotional burden of trying back onto their partners. It can put huge additional strain if you've a different approach to it.

I've friends who succeeded first time at 37 and others who are now 5 cycles in and many tens of thousands of loans down on IVF. In both cases they were in long-established relationships but its still been hard, even in the case where they were pregnant first try as they both really expected it would take a lot longer, so its worth considering that there could be a lot of additional stress if it isn't plane sailing.

That being said, I think two years is a decent amount of time to know someone, on the proviso that you're not overlooking even minor red flags in that time because you feel like its possibly your last chance. And I'd make sure when you live together that you develop a realistic sense of who will do what degree of housework because the last thing you want is to be at home with a newborn realising that you're with someone who will think its all your job.

The effect of pheromones wears off after 6 months I think? So in my book, if you still like each other then, I'd get to it.