I think I need to end this don’t i?

[nc3005]

I really think I do.
We have been arguing for months and months. Got engaged after a better period but then the wedding planning turned into more arguments. Our major point of conflict is my child, who is under 5 (not his.) He cannot accept that I want/need to be responsible for her discipline and how she is raised. He walked out with a bag despite both me and her crying. I had to deal with her being so upset about not wanting him to leave, wanting to “run after” him, “just wanting us to be all together”. When he came back he ignored her and the argument escalated because he at first stonewalled me then accused me of being an “abusive partner” because I got so frustrated I shouted. I know it was wrong to shout. But he rose to it. She was crying and upset. It turned into him accusing me of being controlling because I decide everything for us- he does fuck all and I do it because otherwise literally nothing gets done (wedding, holidays, house...) So hurtful and infuriating!! He also said he feels we are not “his family” and it’s not “his house” because I am controlling and abhsive.

We made up later... but I couldn’t get how upset she and I were out of my mind. I still can’t, nearly 2 days later. He knows that because of my own ultra abusive dad growing up, someone walking out like that is my worst fear. He said it was the “only way to get me to listen to him”. He said I needed to stop guilting him about my daughter when all I wanted was for him to say he was truly sorry for doing that to her and that he wouldn’t do it again.
Been together less than 2 years. We have paid for part of the wedding which is next year.
Feel so, so bleak today. And confused. I do everything to make us a family, to make our lives good... but apparently I’m controlling. I cut off from dc’s dad so she wouldn’t have to deal with this, and now I have ended her up in a toxic situation. I keep seeing her crying little face and the panic. I was that child once and I’ve never had a functional relationship.
Help.

If your marrying this man then of course he has some say into how your child solve raised and disciplined. One argument is not going to mess your child up! You do sound hard work tbh.

Is*

Doesn't sound like a good relationship

Ok.

Reading through all this I can see you are hurt and upset but this is the harsh bit: FGS what are you putting your child though? So she has no father and in 2 short years she’s getting a stepfather who doesn’t actually bother with her?

You do need to step out of this and separate into your own emotions of love, rejection, fear and then what is best for you and your daughter. Which one is more important?

Arguing like that in front of a child is really not good. I don’t think you need me to tell you that. I honestly think your child is going to be learning some confusing and damaging things from watching your relationship issues erupt around her.

Him moving out may well be a good thing. You can’t just move on from all these huge issues and get married. You should not be getting married when it is like this. Forget about the wedding right now

It’s not one argument it’s months of arguing in less than 2 years.

I do everything to make us a family, to make our lives good...

Doesn't sound like its working though. Sounds like your DD would be happier if you were single for a while and focussed on building up you and her as a family unit.

Yes, it probably needs to end if neither of you is willing to accept that there is a bad dynamic at work. Ultimately the dynamic may never work. If one of you always abdicates responsibility then the other will appear controlling. If one of you always jumps to take charge and get things done their way in their time, then the other will feel controlled.

Excluding a step parent from all responsibility for parenting, especially discipline and how she is raised (in his home), is a recipe for disaster. For all of you.

These are major issues which if left unresolved led to the toxic atmosphere you describe. It’s not good enough to leave things as not agreed when there is a child in the middle. Getting married is premature.

Well if you've been arguing for months and months then not only does the relationship sound on extremely dodgy ground but it most certainly is not an environment for a child to be growing up in or the basis for getting married.

Interested as to why you are denying your daughter a relationship with her father?

If this guy was to become your DH, then he would be DDs step father and of course he should have some input in to how she's raised and disciplined, otherwise he will not feel you are a true family unit. However, your approach to discipline is something you should discuss and agree on, but if you're not listening to his views then yes, you are being controlling. If you can't agree as a couple how this child should be raised and disciplined then you should give second thought to getting married.