How fast is too fast? And where should my boundaries be?

[JasmineBuckles]

I’ve been single for a year after being in a ltr where I missed many red flags at the begining and in fact all the way through.
Unsurprisingly it all went to shit. One of the things I missed was that it all moved incredibly fast, he did the whole lovebombing thing and we lived together after about a month.

Anyway, I’ve been dating a bit and I’m wary of making the same mistakes again.
I met a man less than two weeks ago and it was a bloody brilliant date. We talked so much they closed the restaurant round us, there was mutual attraction, we kissed at the end, so far so good.

We met again a couple of days later, he came to pick me up (where I live is super secure, plus I had told my neighbours who he was, where we where going etc so I felt ok with him knowing where I lived)
We took my dog for a walk, went for dinner, he came back to mine. We went to bed but didn’t dtd, then I asked him to leave, which he did quite happily with no sulking.

I met him at his a couple of days later, we went for one drink but then the chemistry was ridiculous so we just went back to his and had (really good) sex. He was going away with work for a few days so I went to his again the day after for dinner, again had a really great time and stayed over.

Him going away has given me some thinking time, I really like him, we make each other laugh, I find him really attractive and the sex is great. But he’s talking about future plans a bit too much for less than two weeks in, nothing too crazy, just stuff like taking about ‘when’ I meet his parents rather than if. And saying he’ll take my dog into work with him if it gets too cold for her to come to work with me.

Also, what’s the difference between lovebombing and someone just liking you a lot? He is forever complimenting me, saying he loves how confident and assertive I am, that I’m great in bed, how much he fancies me etc. I’m trying to remember what my ex was like for comparison, this FEELS much healthier than I remember it feeling. My ex liked to have me on the back foot a lot and I felt a lot more insecure I think.

This man just makes me feel content, and actually he used that word himself to describe how he felt with me.

I don’t know whether I should just enjoy this or how much I should hold back?

It should naturally unfold over the next 6 months to a year. Actions speak louder than words.

No rush.

I think a healthy relationship can feel comfortable quickly as well.

Only time will tell if it's toxic however don't
rush anything and listen to your instincts, even if you can't name the problem.

What are his other relationships like? Family, mum and friends.
In reflection Ex had poor close relationships, which he was able to explain away but was a red flag.
Today he has friends but at a superficial level, it is a red flag as he is incapable of realc loseness.

I also missed Ex's lack of empathy, he knew to say the right things but he was completely deficient in real empathy.

When I picked up on it I overruled my instincts as I couldn't relate to it..but that was my naivety as assumed I could easily spot someone like that.
Most abusers seem to be keen to move in together quickly or start to integrate lives, such as sharing possessions so if you don't feel comfortable sharing your dog say No.

Reading with interest! Similar history and current situation.

OP I am further down the line than you by a couple of months. All I can say is that he’s still just as consistent and nice, albeit also intense with me! But in comparison to my (very emotionally abusive lovebombing ex), it feels healthy. It feels genuine. I suppose we all take a risk with any new relationship but I hear you about the concerns when you’ve previously been involved with less desirables!

He seems to have good relationships with his siblings and parents from how he talks about them.
His ex quit her job and wouldn’t get another, then he came home one day to find her with someone else, then threatened suicide if he dumped her. He STILL hasn’t said anything horrible about her, he just says she wasn’t a bad person, she was just ill, and she’s much happier now.
He likes animals, does charity work through his business, trains a kids sports team at weekends. He’s almost too good to be true, which is why I’m second guessing everything.
Plus my history of terrible judgement.

Could be you've met someone nice then...

I've met a lovely man Andy he's been like this from the start. It turns out that feeling of happiness when he's here is just how it feels to be with him, a year later. He's got some insecurities but he handles them well, and aside from that he is loving, attentive, funny, generous, oh so good round the house and it's turning out good.

I'd agree with the others.....keep going but keep your eyes open. A girl I know met this bloke, seemed amazing, up all night talking etc, then he lost his temper with the bar staff and that's the end of that.

I'm talking to a guy who seems amazing and very loving already. I'm enjoying it whilst keeping my eyes open. I have no intentions of living with someone for at least 10 years, he's in the same situation as me so if there are issues, it will be easy to leave.

All you have to keep in mind is what YOU want.

If he suggests doing A, and you want to do that too, then go for it.

If he suggests B, but you don’t want to do that yet, speak up.

Things can’t move too fast if you have control of the brakes.

I am married to a man like this and he is lovely. My previous partners were not. The key thing for me was consistency, kindness and, as you say, a lack of sulking when you want to do something differently to him. You don’t have to rush to move in together, just see where it goes.