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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I messaged my ex’s best mate for a drink...

21 replies

Star011 · 15/10/2018 05:49

But here’s the thing. My ex and I weren’t in a ‘relationship’- he’d call it fuck buddies or seeing each other casually. It was 6 weeks of ‘fun’ in his eyes and he ended it because he didn’t want to be with anyone exclusively, didn’t want to love anyone but himself and also on top of that had an alcohol problem/mood disorder. My ‘ex’ and I remained civil and friends, and a month later I’ve messaged his friend as him and I exchanged numbers in a pub a few weeks ago. Is this okay? Unfortunately they are best mates and work together, see each other every day BUT his friend is of healthy mind, gave me the impression he was flattered I asked for his number and is looking for something more substantial. I think if we’d been in an actual relationship relationship (which didn’t last 6 weeks) or if it had been me who chucked or hurt him etc, I’d be pushing it, but it wasn’t. It was that way round and I was the one who got hurt. I messaged his friend but he didn’t reply. Should I be embarrassed? Have I done something wrong?

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 15/10/2018 05:52

You've done nothing wrong at all. But be aware that the friend might see you as not someone to have a relationship with because you were his friend's "FB" as he calls it.

In my experience, men who like that sort of thing also judge women.

Aus84 · 15/10/2018 05:56

He wasn't really your ex so you haven't done anything wrong. But as above, just make sure he has the right intentions.

chloem93 · 15/10/2018 06:03

Your 'ex' can't be mad or upset with you as he's the one who claimed you meant little to him and was just a fuck buddy so I say, it would be a little hypercritical if he started caring now and became jealous.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if he was a little funny with his mate over it... I'd suggest his mate talks to him about it and checks that it's all good with him. I dunno if he should but just to show respect and make sure the friendship isn't effected. Just a suggestion!

LittleBookofCalm · 15/10/2018 06:05

good luck with this one op, i hope it works out

LEMtheoriginal · 15/10/2018 06:08

Just be careful that they havent swapped notes and hes not just seeing you as a "sure thing"

Dont get me wrong FB is great if thats what you want. I suspect it isnt!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/10/2018 06:09

You’ve Notdone anything wrong; but you need to put this new guy out of your mind. Looks like it’s not going to go anywhere. He’s probably had a rethink, mainly because of his mate, I would hazard a guess.

Notacluewhatthisis · 15/10/2018 08:05

He hasn't replied. So he either isn't interested or it's a problem for him.

Tbh if I was sleeping with someone, split up with them and then they cracked on to my best friend, I wouldn't be too impressed. I may not have a right to, but I would feel weird. I also wouldn't date my best friends, as FB either.

PikaPikaTink · 15/10/2018 08:09

I think it's more up to his mate than you. A lot of people see exes of friends as off-limits. He hasn't replied anyway which suggests he's not interested - it doesn't really matter why.

offside · 15/10/2018 09:49

You haven’t done anything wrong per se but it may affect their relationship and he might not want to take that risk.

One of my friends is now married with four kids to her best friends ex FB. This was many years ago and my friend still harbours jealousy about it, she didn’t ask her BF to be part of the wedding because of it and it’s all she talks about when she’s drunk - this was at least 15 years ago now and although they wouldn’t admit it, it has put a cloud over their friendship quite obviously - it’s actually the wife who had all the issues not the other way around, the ex FB couldn’t care less, there were no feelings involved, just sex.

Original poster

Star011 · 15/10/2018 10:49

Hey, thanks for the message replies. That's the thing, I never wanted casual/fuck buddies with my 'ex' and made him aware of that straight away at the beginning..when he chucked me, he made it clear that he should have ended things way sooner as he kinda he was just using me for sex...I got attached and yeh, now I do feel stupid for messaging his friend as I haven't got a reply. I need to let go of the fact they're going to be laughing at me down the pub...I just got the impression his friend was flattered when we exchanged numbers..but I guess it was just the alcohol. In any case, he hasn't replied so I guess ur right, he aint' interested :-/
Now I guess I just feel a bit silly putting myself out there and risking bad feelings with the ex/them to me when I guess it was all for nothing...xx

OP posts:

buscaution · 15/10/2018 10:51

Bit weird like. There are more than 2 min in the world!

buscaution · 15/10/2018 10:51

*MEN

Notacluewhatthisis · 15/10/2018 11:01

The thing is if you got attached and then he ditched you and now you are making a play for his best mate, it's a bit weird.

I would think it was weird if I dumped a bloke who got too attached for my liking and then he asked my mate out.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 11:07

Yeah it's a bit close to home here. You made th first move and asked for his number, you gave him yours, he didn't contact you which was message enough. You then made the second move and texted him. Again he's not responded.

Plenty of people would find it a bit awkward to be getting involved with their best mates ex/fb.

I'd just move on now. Look for someone further away from these two guys.

Musti · 15/10/2018 11:13

My friend suggested her brief fling would be perfect for me but I wouldn't go there. One thing is if you know each other and it happens, but I wouldn't instigate it.

mimibunz · 15/10/2018 11:14

For me it’s too close to home.

GreenLantern53 · 15/10/2018 12:47

I wouldnt go there.

and just as a side note I know this us vile but ive known men to “pass” on people they slept with to their friends.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 13:41

If they are best mates who work together I think it's very likely the ex has spoken about you op, that's fairly normal with best friends. It needn't have been derogatory or detailed but could be.

It's a rare person who wishes to be with someone their best mate has recently had sex with, and even worse, only used for sex (in your words) and didn't want a relationship with. I think most people would shy away from that.

To be honest I'm a bit surprised that after your ex treated you like that you then went after his best mate and so quickly. It's fairly unusual.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2018 13:46

You did nothing wrong.

He may well have not told your ex. Only a dick would do so to just laugh at you so if he did you're well rid.

You don't have to see or talk to them ever again so don't worry about feeling awkward etc just move on.

You did nothing wrong as he doesn't need permission from a guy you had sex with to date you. Is he gonna go ask all the others too? I think the whole ask him out of respect makes you sound like an old coat he doesn't want any more

TheOneWith · 15/10/2018 13:51

Most people just won’t go there with their best mates ex, regardless of whether it was a relationship or just fuck buddies.

He probably acted flattered and exchanged numbers to save the cringe factor of telling you face to face he’s not interested.

groundpr · 28/01/2025 18:04

late

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