NC for this as it’s outing, but I’ve been here for a bit (cancel the penis beakers, etc). Apologies for the long post.
I am really struggling in the aftermath of my H’s EA. He told me about two years ago that he had feelings for a female friend, which totally blew up our relationship as it came out of the blue and we had always been utterly solid and totally together. Things got worse and worse after that, including him lying to me for months about not having contact with her any more, me getting to the point where I was desperate enough to snoop on his devices and find proof of the continuing contact, him telling me he wasn’t in love with me any more and that we should split up, and him eventually moving out for a few months. I was beyond devastated and it felt like I was trapped in a nightmare - I went through hell as the life I’d known for so long was torn apart around me. He told me he still loved me, but needed some time to get his head straight. During that time, I went round there unannounced one evening and found her there with him. They were adamant that they were just friends and there was nothing physical, but she was planning to stay the night. Of course, I have always been extremely sceptical, but he continues to deny anything physical happened.
After that night, he told me he’d realised what a mess he’d made of everything, and that he’d been out of control for months and had no idea why he’d behaved as he had. He said he’d been mistaken in thinking he had feelings for her and that he wasn’t in love with me any more. He mentioned a few problems we’d had in our relationship prior to that and said he’d liked having someone whose company he’d enjoyed and things had effectively spiralled from there. We talked about the possibility of a MLC. He said he regretted everything, couldn’t believe he’d hurt me, and wanted to try to fix things. To clarify, we’ve been together a couple of decades and this is all so completely out of character for him. He used to be the most lovely, caring, honest, kind person I’d ever met. (And to avoid drip-feeding, we’ve been through some major life upheavals in the couple of years leading up to this.)
However, since this all came to a head (over a year ago), I’ve been an absolute mess. The trust we once had is absolutely gone. I am paranoid and suspicious constantly. I don’t believe anything he says and I second-guess everything. Whenever he’s late home or is looking at his phone, I’m convinced it’s to do with her. My feelings for him have changed dramatically as he hurt me so much and for so long. I don’t know if I can ever move past this betrayal and trust him again, and whether I’d be a fool to even try. I just feel so lost. I can’t see the person I once loved, and I can’t move past the lies he told me and the hurt and betrayal. Is it even possible to? If you’ve done it, how have you managed to rebuild the relationship and in particular the trust?