Anyone had a crush that feels like an allergic reaction?

[MadGentleman]

And how do you deal with it?

What I mean is, there's someone (obviously) who I've got a crush on but am aware that she's got a partner. I figured the score would be to minimise contact and I have. She works in an outposted office so we interact infrequently - on the phone, email and sporadic visits to head office - but when we do we get get on very well, banter a lot but I don't want to be That Creepy Guy so I (try) to keep my feelings to myself and not hassle her. In addition, I got divorced earlier this year and frankly had sworn off any relationships for the time being so it's not even as if I'm "looking".

Despite all this rationalisation, every time she enters my proximity it's like I come out in emotional hives. My brain turns to blancmange. My heart starts beating fast. Often we still banter and chat the same but afterwards I feel shaken to the core. I then can't eat and can't sleep properly for the next 48 hours until the impact of the experience is out of my system. Honestly, it's like the moment she interacts with me someone pumps drugs into my veins. It's terrifying.

What's worse is I'm becoming aware that she's reciprocating. Our phone conversations are getting longer and we chat like silly teenagers. Close friends but they've just told me that crushes happen and I should just enjoy the ego boost, but I've had crushes like that before and they didn't affect me this physically.

I tried cutting back contact, speaking only in a professional manner but the last time she visited the office and I avoided her (not in an obvious manner, just affected being busy) she sought me out on my own and we just sat there, tongue-tied, red-faced, staring at each other and trembling.

I know her she only sees her partner every other week (long distance relationship) and that they've been together less than a year, but he seems (from what I know) a good man and none of that excuses any of what's going (or could) go on. I got divorced after my wife had an emotional affair. I know better than anyone not to got there or encourage this. I'd be a hypocrite if I did and no healthy relationship would result from infidelity of any sort.

So I feel somewhat stuck. We've got the Xmas do coming up. She'll be there. It's not that I fear something will happen. It won't. I would never let it, so long as she was still with her partner. But I'm already wincing at the impact of the encounter. Like I said - exposure to her brings me out in emotional hives. this isn't something I can minimise as an ego boost, much as would love to. Should I duck out the Xmas do entirely? Or just go along and brace myself for the inevitable emotional tsunami?

In summary: Help.

Well if she's in a long distance relationship and seems to be reciprocating your feelings after being with her boyfriend for less than a year, then it's not inconceivable that you may end up together.

Another poster was in your situation. She decided to stop contact with the guy. She came back some time later to update - it turned out he had ditched his long distance relationship at the time they started chatting and they were now together and very happy.

Unless a LDR has an end point when the two can be together it's kinda doomed.

Good luck.

Don't ditch the Christmas party!

How about asking her for her mobile number and chat with her and some how ask her if she is still with this fella? And go from there? If she is then maybe just say tell her you ex cheating and you don't want to make her a cheat. So you'd rather stay good friends. If she's not then a way you go 😉 good luck. P.s got to the Xmas party. Enjoy yourself

I know you're really concerned not to be a cheat (or participant to her cheating) so I get how extremely difficult this is.

It actually sounds like you're having a massive adrenaline rush from being nervous around her (as well as all the hormones involved when you fancy someone to bits)... Perhaps the stress of what you've been through with your ex-wife is affecting this situation.

You are not a hypocrite for having these feelings, and you are actively trying to avoid an emotional affair.

I agree with the other posters that if the lady you're interested in becomes available you should definitely go for it, but in the event she doesn't, you need to find a way of coping with these powerful feelings during the times you encounter her company... So could you possibly work on something like grounding techniques (look up grounding techniques for anxiety attacks), mindfulness exercises, deep breathing exercises, etc?

Also, can you consider maybe taking a friend with you who understands your situation properly? Who can help to ameliorate the tension between you?

You deserve to go to this party if you want to (although nobody says you have to if you really don't want to either), and it's work, so you can't control bumping into her from time to time, but this may at least ease things somewhat.

Also it might be working talking with someone a bit more about your divorce and any effect it's had on you.

I really wish you the best OP, you sound like a good guy.

I think that's a very good point - that the adrenaline surge may be partly related to divorce stress - irrespective of who ended it and how - it's still a stressful experience.

I'd go to the Christmas party for sure.

Thanks for the advice everyone - the adrenaline rush suggestion especially - and apologies for taking time to get back. Truth be told I was expecting the forum equivalent of a cold bucket of water in the face and calls to snap out of it - the fact that some of you suggested it could work out eventually actually struck me dumb!

Truth be told, as lovely as that would be, I think at the very least I have to do what @Shambu suggested and cut contact as much as I can. A few days later she sent me an email but it was very much work related (although not my department - she hoped I could advise). At the end she said she hoped the weather was better where I was.

I answered her query politely professionally but added something along the lines of "Ohno! It was bucketing it down only the other weekend! Don't tell me more rain's on the way?" She never replied. Okay, I know it wasn't work related. But I'm guessing if she did want to get to know me better or had more than a very mild crush she'd have picked up on that and used it to keep the conversation flowing. It does seem that unless we're actually in front of each other or on the phone there's no impetus on her part to get to know me or chat with me. Until now there's been enough times she's sent work-related requests my way to keep us in regular contact anyway - I thought that might mean something but... yeah... they might have just been work-related requests tenuously related to me.

The very fact I just typed all that out is proof enough I've been letting this get too out of hand. So yeah, probably best withdraw and go cold turkey. I guess I'll see how I feel about Christmas nearer the time!

Google “limerance” to help understand your emotional reaction.

Very mill's 'n boons OP.
Good luck with the final chapter

@Mote Yeah... that sounds about right.

@Monty27
I think I need to put the book back on the shelf and read something more productive tbh...

Exactly that OP

I think you need to break the spell, see it through and then move on. (kidding, kind of)

Obviously its the cold showers and getting your husband to beat you with sticks !!! ha ha

it doesn't work OP my ex husband tried that , I still ran off with my true love Alison

if all else fails there are some very private women only spaces/bars very few know about

take it from me she probably knows , Jo and I get straight women coming on to us all the time , and we aren't any oil paintings , we are just good company and laugh at everything

we usually take women out and show them our world, ( I worked the gay switchboards decades ago so am well used to dealing with it ) either they run off screaming or jump straight in , you will never know unless you flirt with her
but not when you are drunk , ,be sober both of you

but if it puts it into perspective , we both have a crushes on Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman , she also likes Julian Clary and being a certain age I have always been a Cliff Richard fan not that we would want to do anything about any crushes

That may be much more painful average
Perhaps it is better for one's pain, to lesson it, and merely continue to live the dream until it is time to put it to bed.

Foxy, the OP has said he is male, so I don’t think he needs information about gay switchboards and discreet lesbian bars.

And almost describes himself as creepy guy before anyone else does

@Monty Give over. I'm under no illusions.

A quick update: I've taken advice and trying to go NC as much as work will allow. All emails I'm answering professionally. No more banter or small talk.

The good-ish news is that she ended up popping into the office unexpectedly. "Avoided" sounds cold - it would be more accurate to say I had no reason to approach her so did not. But at the end of the day she came over to see me for no reason than to say "Hi" and it got very weird. Again, I stayed professional - no banter - and I even asked after her partner to make it clear I knew how things stood and wasn't trying anything on. She kind of kept staring - sort of holding my gaze intensely for far too long and leaning in to me. It was all a bit too intense and despite keeping my cool and wishing her a good journey home felt a bit shaken. Anyway, she went home and that's that. I now feel confident I can manage things at Xmas and that the attraction's starting to fade.

I think its clear there's no interest there from her other than enjoying the interest I give her. She doesn't really ever ask me about myself other than "how are you?" She'd have to be thick not know I was attracted to her and there's no sign she wants to change the status quo.

The one thing that still perturbs me is how intense she was. Not in a "oh she must like me then" way, but how a person could be that full-on and walk away and forget about it (which I'm now sure she does)? I mean, I've flirted with people for fun before but its only ever been banter, coy smiles or comments and obvious we understand. Less a sense this person is struggling not to kiss you. Sorry if that sounds mad, but that's the best analogy I can give. I suppose I'm hoping for responses that say "oh yeah, that's just flirting for fun, it was meaningless" and give some context and explanation - if only to help me work out if any future potential love interest is actually interested or not.

I think she did seem, from your description, to be very attracted to you too. But for whatever reason, she is not available and not willing to go there.

IMHO, I think the thing to learn here is to trust your general instincts, not get too mad at yourself if the crush is directed at someone unavailable, be proud of yourself for being a gentleman about it, and use this as a bit of experience to move forward and find some other hottie to crush on - who will be available and worth all that energy.

FoxyLiz. What the hell are you going on about? You sound unhinged (and grammatically inept...).