Menopause break-up

[Andrew19661]

I have been with my girlfriend for over 7 years, I adore her, just over a year ago she suffered from depression for the first time, as well as the onset of the menopause. She asked me to leave because she needed space to sort her head out - she had councilling and medication. I stayed nearby and supported her - 5 months later she asked me to move back. We have had a good time but i could feel she her heart wasn't in it - not just us but everything. 2 weeks ago we split again, I believe it is due to her hormones - she doesnt know, we are both very loving, she says she doesnt want me out of her life but cant ask me to wait because she doesnt know if its the menopause or just she doesnt feel the same way about me anymore. I love her very much - what do i do ?

She described her self as black inside, not just on the relationship but everything

She likes something on my facebook every day - and we met last night for a meal and cuddled on the sofa, but she is a bit distant, we have chatted on line - but i always initiate - HELP please.

I have known a few friends struggle with the onset of menopause, one had bad mental health issues start up and the other similar and she also left her husband. It can be very difficult. Is she receiving any help for her depression, via counselling or meds? Did she go to her GP for support? You sound very kind. Dealing with someone with depression is hard no matter what triggers the depression in the first place. It might be that sadly, you have to let this one go.

Yes she was under the Dr - I think she may have stopped the tablets too soon, however maybe im just trying to find answers.

You are probably right, im just not quite ready to give up on her yet. I wonder if in this situation they ever come back ?

Trying to find answers is normal and healthy but at some point you may have to accept that you can't pin down for certain why she's not feeling it with you.

It's a fact of human nature that neediness is off-putting, so you hanging round hoping for her to love you is likely to have the opposite outcome from the one you are hoping for.
Far better would be to let her know warmly that you care for her, but that you aren't going to put your life on hold waiting for her and are going to get back out there and have a busy, fulfilling life. Depression is terrible and has a ripple effect which can devastates the lives of the people around the individual who has it. It is very sad. And I have both been depressed and tried dating people with depression. it is VERY difficult. You also have to be careful not to find yourself in a codependent relationship where you are nagging at them to get help/take pills etc. Ultimately she's an adult and she has to do this by herself, you can support her and express your caring but she has to do certain things for herself.

If you step back a bit she will either step towards you or not, either way you'll have your answer. Just don't do it in a gameplaying way, do it for you and your own sanity.

Man, I feel for you, but yeah, what RhubarbTea said, basically. My OH has been through the menopause & it's been really difficult. But I think part of the problem is the word 'through'. It gives the impression that it's a temporary bad time, a tunnel, but eventually you come out into the light again. Whereas the menopause leaves permanent changes, e.g. don't see myself as the same person as before, or not interested in sex any more, or my tolerance level to certain behaviours has changed. Plus, the 'male menopause' is an absolute reality imho, assuming you're of a similar age. So it's like everything is up in the air. I've lost count of the number of times I've thought, "Shit, this is IT. It could all be over."
I think you've done the right thing so far; you've stayed near & offered comfort & support. After all, you've been together for 7 years so you're firm friends even if no more than that at the moment. So all you can do is try to help her through what certainly sounds like depression. In my limited experience it's talking therapies that are most effective. But you also have to accept that she can't really see you as 'just a friend' in all this, given your history, so it might be the case that she finds you being around right now more of a problem for her mental well-being than whatever friendly support you can offer.
She's told you she can't ask you to wait, so don't. I think the kindest thing to do now is to tell her you'll always love her as a friend but make it clear you're going to carry on with your life on the basis that you two are no longer an item. That doesn't mean, I'm actively heading off in search of someone else, it just means I'm taking that concern, that mental pressure, off your shoulders. She might say, thank you, I'm happy with that. But she might also say, I simply can't deal with the whole 'us' aspect of things, so you might have to back off. Maybe for a while, maybe always. I really hope you get to a good place. 👊

I don't share EdWest's view. Ime, it is more of a tunnel you come out of. A lot of women I know sufferd appalling exhaustion, depression, lack of interest in life, zero sex drive, weight gain etc in menopause and then emerged post menopause with energy, focus and zest for life again. It's a really common pattern. It's happened to me. I felt like the walking dead for about four years. Then menopause finally happened and I slowly began to wake up physically, mentally, emotionally and regain my love of life.
But for you, OP, I think you can only keep doing what you are doing. Stay close and loving, meet up, talk, be good friends to each other. But if you both agree it's right, allow yourself to date other people as well, as your girlfriend may have changed her mind and you don't want to be left hanging for several years. That's no way to live.

Thank you everyone for you comments and your time x