Why can't I say no?

[magicaltoaster]

Yesterday I drank too much, I have a binge drinking problem and should stay away from alcohol (but that could be a whole other threat), anyway, some bloke mustve walked me home, can't remeber the exact details. But I remeber drifting in and out of consciousness with him fingering me really roughly, I clenched myself tight, shut my legs and tried to push his hands away but he just kept doing it. He tried to get me to touch his cock but I moved my hand away. The whole time in my head I was thinking "just say no, tell him you are not comfortable and don't want to. Tell him to stop" but I just couldn't get the words out, it was like I felt like it would be rude or hurt his feelings?! What the actual fuck. Realised that I have had this problem many times. So many times have ended up in bed with people I have no interest in because I physically can't say no, or tell them to stop. I know I can, and should. But for some reason I just have huge trouble actually getting the words out. Why is this? How can I have more self respect? Why am I like this?
This morning I'm really sore, and feel awful and violated. But mostly pissed off with myself for being seemingly incapable of vocalising my feelings. I can shut myself off bodily and push them away, but just can't say a simple "stop" or "no".

Please give me some advice.

You are getting paralytically drunk...... my advice is you need to get help for your alcohol problem.
What about HIV, what about getting pregnant. What about self respect ?

You really need to stop drinking, OP. Do you get into this sort of situation when you're sober?

You need to get some help for your alcoholism.

No dressing it up.

In the meantime stop drinking with men or in situations that lead to these things happening

Get yourself help with the binge drinking. No excuses, sort it out, now.

Get yourself assertiveness lessons. Practice saying No in the mirror. Practice saying it at every opportunity "would toy like a bag for that?" "No" etc.

Forgive yourself for freezing in the moment. We all have stress responses designed for our survival. Freeze is a very common response to rape/sexual abuse. In many ways it is the smart monkey option, when fighting a stronger opponent might get you killed, and flight isn't an option.

Go get some help for the sexual abuse you've been through. You were too drunk to consent and when you acted physically to imply no, he ignored and carried on. Get a full STD workup.

Moderate or stop your drinking so you don't get into such a state you're vulnerable like that again. Sorry, i know men shouldn't behave like that but the way to stop it happening to you again is to not to be that drunk in the first place.

*You not toy

for you OP.

Knocking the drinking on the head would be a start, but being a binge drinker myself I know that's easier said than done!

Who do you go out with? Are your friends aware of the situations you get in to, and could they/would they be able be your wing woman and say no on your behalf and see you get home safely? My friends have done it for me on occasion!

What also springs to mind is what's happened to make you drink to the extent you do? My drinking habits spiralled after I went through a pretty tough time and I used it as a crutch to get through it.
Also when boredom sets in my drinking increases so now I try to keep busy.

I hope you're ok OP. Echo what PP said about HIV, pregnancy etc. No drunken fumble is worth being left a constant reminder of behaviour you clearly regret.
Don't beat yourself up about it though, just try to take steps to sort yourself out so that it's no longer a regular occurrence.

Thanks guys, I realise that the alcohol is a huge problem. Had done two weeks without but slipped up yesterday, was a friends birthday, thought it would be ok, but obviously it wasn't. Am having counselling for emotionally unstable personality disorder. Do struggle alot, but am trying to be a better person.

I've always been this way with sex, regardless of alcohol though. Countless times where I've laid back and thought of England, from early teens. No self resoecr what so ever, it honestly feels like I don't want to hurt people's feelings? Don't feel like I have autonomy over my body? Christ I feel sick today, just want to erase the whole thing.

EUPD means that impulse control will be difficult for you. The situations (booze and sex) you are putting yourself in are a form of self harm that you have developed as a coping skill. Please do talk to your therapist about it or ask for help from your gp to explore it further. There is hope. You can develop healthier ways to live life, but you will need support to do it. I wish you well.

If you were so drunk as to be drifting in and out of consciousness, you were too drunk to give consent to sex and were the victim of a crime. Your drinking may well be a problem - and there are a number of ways in which you could address this - but you are entitled to be as drunk as you like without men abusing you.

OP, I've just looked up your past threads and you've had a serious problem with alcohol for the last couple of years at least. At what point are you going to do something about this?

You are an alcoholic and until you fully admit this to yourself, you won't be able to change. Some people should never drink, and you're one of them. Please get help. The abuse you have already suffered is terrible enough, but I fear even worse could happen if you continue to drink.

EUPD means you need counselling preferably DBT too maybe some psychotherapy, medication, a MH care plan and to either stop drinking or learn how to moderate it.
As for saying no to men, it sounds like you were sexually assaulted and possibly raped in the past so maybe some trauma therapy and help around that too? EUPD is not easy but it also isn't an excuse to binge drink and misbehave, or to be self damaging either. Put down the drink, put down the shit stick, get some help before it's too late and you could end up seriously hurt

Hi OP, sorry you’re having such a problem with the drinking, and I do hope you take advice and seek help as and when you are ready.

Re the sex, hopefully you are on the pill. With the risky sex, you are really playing a game of Russian Roulette for STIs and I do hope you are getting regular check ups. I don’t know if you are aware that you can take PrEP (pre exposure prophylaxis) - like the pill but for HIV. The NHS is doing a trial in England on this at the moment and there are still, as far as I’m aware, spaces for women on it. There is also PEP - like the morning after pill for post exposure - available from A&E and GUM clinics.

Please look after yourself. I’m sure you are worth a lot more than you think you are.

Thank you everyone.. I do need a kick up the ass with the drinking.. Had been doing well, 2 weeks no alcohol, thought it would be OK as a one off (a night out like "normal" drinkers) but I was wrong. I simply cannot drink, it brings out the worst in me..

Am slowly getting my life in order after a hell of a few years. This has just knocked me for six a bit.

I hope it's made you realise that you just can't drink normally. I know that must be the hardest thing to accept, but you have to. You are putting yourself in such dangerous situations and you have a child to care for.

OP are you on contraception?

What others have said. Plus, worth exploring in counselling where the idea came from that you have no real rights over what happens to your body.

Hi OP, I don't think I've read any of your previous threads but, speaking as an alcoholic who's been in AA for over 10 years, your drinking and subsequent behaviour including the "cannot seem to say no" is something I've heard so many times in meetings. It's also incredibly common (and I can relate too) to have no alcohol for this many weeks, months or years and to feel that you're ok and will be able to drink normally if you go out. There's loads on this in the Big Book (AA kind of bible ...). We've all done it. And "alcoholic" doesn't need to mean that you drink daily or in the morning, just that when you do, you become powerless and that's how your OP reads.

Do you suffer from low self esteem too? Or even depression and the drinking is a way to self medicate?

Obviously all other PPs are right about contraception and STDs, but the underlying issue is why you are doing this .... it sounds horribly painful and as if you feel the need to punish yourself.

I am so sorry you had that experience, OP, and really you did say 'no' by pushing his hands away etc.
This was not a consequence of your drinking, it is a consequence of him being sexually abusive. It is very normal to freeze in this situation and not be able to talk. You did not cause this. Take alcohol out of the equation and do you think his behaviour would have been any different, do you think he would somehow have been a fundamentally different person if you'd been sober, would he have listened to you say 'no' despite having already chosen to ignore the clear nonverbal clues you were giving?
do take care of yourself.