I dont know how to have a relationship and I dont want to lose this man

[yesterdaysnews3c]

ive been dating someone for 3 months. he is LOVELY. this is the first time i have been with someone who hasnt had emotional issues, didnt bully me, and most importantly could actually have a future with me without complication (i go for bad guys usually who dont want to commit).

i would love a family. i know it is the kind men that can give you that, not the bad boys who cause heartache.

but i dont know how to have a nice relationship. im 34. my parents had a good marriage but my relationship with them was fractured - i never felt emotional security, never felt i could properly depend on them. they almost seemed to have more loyalty to each other then to me and my brother. we all see each other now and i am close to them, but as i have got older i know i had deep rooted problems about attachment. i do not depend on my parents at all, even though i know technicslly there are there in their own way.

i am scared of this new relationship. i can fight until the cows come home for a bad boy - i can play the games and keep up with the chase, i can be good fun and funny and flirty. but a real relationship which has no chase or drama? i am really struggling.

this man is happy to just be with me. no highs and lows. i almost cringe because of it, i cringe sometimes at vulnerability on either side! it is like i need the drama and the fight to show that it is worth something. i feel so fucked up. i dont want to be like this. i have started therapy and it is helping, but practicslly i dont want to lose this man and could do with any wise words...

Take each day as it comes. It's good you have recognised how you feel and that you are having therapy. I was like you and I realised I was frightened to commit but I did. Things changed once I had my three children and I didn't look back to those scarey insecure days.

My first thought is that you need to give yourself permission to let the past go. It's over, your past relationships are done, and it seems as though you've learned a lot from them. I think you are trapped in a cycle of ruminating over past "mistakes" that is preventing you from moving forward. I also think that due to your childhood, which sounds as though it was emotionally stagnant, you have conditioned yourself to believe that drama means love, and I assure you it does not. A relationship fueled by drama is one with a foundation of insecurity, distrust, and heartbreak. It is doomed to fail.

Stick with therapy and go easy on yourself. You'll make it through this!

Thanks. I just hate feeling scared of vulnerability. I feel like time is running out to deal with all this

Oh, op! You're 34! You life has just begun.

it is like i need the drama and the fight to show that it is worth something.

But they weren't worth anything were they? Do you watch a lot of soaps and chick flicks? I think they create the belief that your relationship is only worth something if it involves self perpetuated dramas. It really doesn't. It just shows that one or both of you are immature.

So stick with your "good fun, funny and flirty" persona, and enjoy your normal relationship. Only kids and drama queens need to engineer constant situations... grown ups just get on with life. If you feel yourself beginning to get over-excited, just calm down a bit. Drama queens are exciting for a bit, but very, very tiresome for everyone around them in the long run.

It is all so normal with him, I can’t tell if there’s just no spark or something!

I do like him though.

One thing I have noticed is that I don’t feel pressure to alter myself around him. Either because I don’t care or because it’s just nice and there’s no games.

Research/YouTube 'Attachment Theory', 'The Drama Triangle' and 'The Human Magnet Syndrome'.