Ex has a new partner, how do I deal with this?

[Lorddenning1]

Me and Ex separated 8 weeks ago, it was a mutual decision. We have 2 children together DS1 and DS2. We both was not happy in the relationship, we have both had to work hard at it and it just wasn't working anymore. We had started to argue in front of the children and we didn't want them growing up in an unhappy household. He moved out, all going ok until I read his Facebook messages, he had been talking to an ex a week after we split, fast forward to now, he is now in a relationship with her, he loves her and he can't wait to introduce the children to her (she has 2 kids also) he seems to be rubbing it in my face, telling me things about her that he shouldn't be, what they have done in dates etc, when they have slept together, sent me a txt message by mistake instead of her etc etc.
At first I didn't deal with the new relationship very well, I had a bit of a breakdown, had time of work, couldn't eat or sleep, iv since gone back to work and I'm
Doing ok, just waiting on some councilling to help me. I just don't understand why iv been acting like this if I wanted the relationship to end, i defo do not want my ex back, he has no ambition, never goes out anywhere and him and his new gf smoke week together, that is not me.
How can I get my head around all of this, I feel like the last 2 months have been crazy, my whole life is different in such a small space of time, anyone gone through this?

Firstly, from my experience, more men than women panic about being alone after a break up so jump into new relationships very quickly, without mourning their previous one. I don't know if this is due to (in general) women continuing full time care of the children or whether nowadays, women are more independent?

Secondly, there is absolutely NO way he is happy with his current set up. He's doing the typical "look at me! Look at me! I'm fine and not hurting one bit!", when in fact he is desperately trying to show you every "amazing" thing happening to him so that he can assure HIMSELF that he is fine. The accidental text is a classic ! He knew very well what he was doing !

Believe me, if he was happy, he wouldn't be rubbing your face in it.

Why did you read his Facebook messages?

It's that feeling of being left behind while he goes on to a whole new life doing new things and generally moving ahead. It isn't that you want him back, it's grieving for what was while he has already jumped ahead.

It also then makes one ask how much did I mean to him if he is already with another person, sleeping with her, building a life (even if it is weed infused! Yuk!!) and playing happy families?

What you're feeling is about you, not him. Please take time to heal, be around people who will lift you and don't allow him to see that you're affected. It will get better and your life will be better for it.
Remember, you've split up for a reason. Focus on yourself, your children, your career and the people that matter to you.

Stop looking at his messages (the ones he sends to you AND his private stuff) and try and accept that he’s hurting a bit so he is trying to convince you (and himself) that he’s having the time of his life. He’ll get over it and this new rebound relationship is unlikely to last. They very rarely do.

Best thing you can do is ask him to text about the DC only, nothing personal. If he sends you anything else, just delete it straight away so you’re not left obsessing over it. If he tries to talk to you about her just tell him you don’t think new GF would appreciate him gossiping about their relationship and close down the conversation.

Many thanks for your replies,my ex has an attachment disorder so I truly believe he is able to just up and start a fresh with someone else without batting an eyelid, I do think some where down the line it will hit him though. His new gf is an ex from 13 yrs ago, who he was engaged to, perhaps this is why he is able to move so quick with her as he has history, so not a stranger.

My intention wasn't to read his Facebook messages, I logged into the laptop to do some work and and I went onto Facebook and his was logged in, I knew u shouldn't of read them and I wish I didn't, believe me. I have logged out of it now, so I can't read them again.
With the txt message thing, he his new gf name is the same as my best friend, he txt my bf on my birthday with a soppy message, he would of known my best friend would of been there in my birthday, the only reason we suspect it was done intentionally, was the messages he sent after to her apologising sounded really fake.

@LegalEagle99 this is spot on, everything you have said is exactly how I feel. I'm hoping that with some councilling and with some
Time, I am able to move on and heal and be stronger and hopefully in the future will also be able to meet someone who and will be happy. I could of easily jumped to a rebound too, but I know this isn't right.

@Changedname3456 That's a good suggestion to delete the messages after so I don't get obsessed with them, I have also told him I only want to talk about the children. I have been a little nasty recently about our relationship, iv said that I wished we had done it sooner and that we wasn't right for each other and never have been and I feel like we have both wasted our time together, apart from the kids, he was obviously upset with me and I did feel bad, it made me realise I don't want to play games, I just want to get on with things.

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes in that last post

Lorddenning I've just noted your username! Brilliant!
Hold your head up high, take good care of yourself and immerse yourself in positivity. Your future is yours to do as you please and youWILL get through this. You absolutely will.

Grief after a relationship ends is normal and healthy however sone people self soothe by diving right into another relationship were they can have "happy" feelings.It is a form of self medicating.

Painful emotions need to be gone through and that is what is happening for you now.
Often said its a month per year but there is no standard.
Sometimes a loss such as a marriage breakup causes other unhealed past losses to surface so it can take longer.

Accept he has tried to take a shortcut but it won't work..sadly his weed usage may escalate to further numb the situation, especially when the high of a new romance wears off. By that time you will have moved on and be more grateful he is out of your life.

@LegalEagle99 what a guy he was :) defo made my law degree more interesting

Thank you @lifebegins50 this breakup has brought up unresolved feelings from my past hence the reason for some councilling, I'm really trying to get myself right for me and my children, I didn't see this at first, I just wanted to wallow and cry but now I want to move on and start healing.
Today I'm taking the kids swimming but I can't help but wonder what he is up to today, he is probably spending the day with her, it kills me a little bit to think about them :(

So left exh. He was an abusive twat and I am really happy we are over. I met someone quite quickly but then called it off. About 18 months after I left my exh, i am with the man I met after we split and very happy.

But exh met, got engaged (even though we aren't divorced yet) and moved in with a woman sitting a couple of months.

I was gutted. And now with distance I know why. I wanted the marriage to end long begore. Exh told me I was the love of his life, got counselling that didn't work, begged me to try harder, told me he couldn't live without me. I hung for years more than I should have because he insisted he loved me and there would be no one he could ever be with if it wasn't me. I wasted years on an abusive man hoping that he finally showed me the love he felt.

Except it turned out non of that was true. He picked up and moved on at the speed of lightening. What hurt was that I begged him to be honest and admit he didn't love me, to let me go and find happiness. He insisted all the time that he did love me and I hung on to that. I know now that he didn't love me but I wasted years and he would have let me waste more if I hadn't have left. That's what hurt. That I meant so little he was quite happy for me to waste my life with him. He knew I had issues around feeling unloved, I never felt my parents loved me and all I wanted was one person that loved me. He tried to stop me finding that.

But I never once wanted him back, never showed him I was hurt. I couldn't be happier with Dp and he only has to look at me for me to know he loves me. But when exh moved on so quick, it hurt then I got over it.

It's not the exact same situation, but I hope something in my extremely long post helps.

@Notacluewhatthisis I'm the same, he could literally beg me for another chance and I would say no, it's not what I want, I don't want to waste more time being with the wrong person, I'm outgoing and family orientated and would like to throw bbqs and go out for family days out, he wants to smoke weed and bet on the horses all day with money we do not have, I was sick of it and started to resent him which led to the arguments, I never want that life back, the house is so much more peaceful now, but having said all that it still hurts me when I think of the fact he is in a new relationship so soon.
He has told the children about his new girlfriend and he has told them he wants them to all meet in January etc, my oldest son said he spoke to her on the phone this weekend and was all happy and excited to meet her, which didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would, I just hope she is nice to them and that they like her.

I’m not so convinced that you don’t want him back as much as you think you don’t.

Doesn’t matter how you dress it up or how much you try to make it look like an accident - you shouldn’t, and had no right, to look at his messages. The fact you did speaks volumes.

Maybe it’s the fact you spent so long together and have two children but I definitely think your councelling will help.

I also don’t think he’s as happy as he wants you to think he is. He wouldn’t be constantly trying to prove it to you if he was.

Also, I’d be telling him under no circumstances will your children be meeting this woman yet. If they smoke weed all the time together surely they’re always under the influence? I’d be telling them both to get stuffed if they thought they’d be looking after my kids after smoking weed

That's exactly how I feel towards ex's girlfriend. No jealousy that she is with him or that she spends time with my kids. I just want hee to be a decent person towards them.

@Kennycalmit if we got back together now it would defo take away the pain etc, but I think it wouldn't take that long for us to be both miserable again, and that's not what I want, neither does he, that's why we mutually agreed to split. It's like the old saying, you don't want them but you don't want anyone else to have them.
The messages were read 2 weeks after we split, I wouldn't do that now, only because I wouldn't like what I would read. I agree I should not of read them, it turns out her his actions has also done the same and now wants a divorce, they had been split for 4 months.

I do still love him, perhaps I always will, I'm not sure iv never split up with someone who iv had two kids with. It was hard for us both to decide to end things, as we do still love each other but it wasn't right and making us both miserable.
When we were together he used to go away from the house and smoke weed, at night, as I didn't want it around the children. I am not sure how he smokes it now with her, and frankly it makes me a bit sad for them.
He has them one night a week and I know he doesn't smoke it then why they are there as iv spoken to him later in and he seemed fine (I can tell when he has had some).
I am not sure how I will feel if he moves in with her and my kids staying over too, that will be something I will have to deal with in the future, hopefully my councilling will help me prepare for that.

• her husband, read her messages too

@Notacluewhatthisis my DS was worried that she might not like him and he was worried he would be shy, my ex had probably prep her before the phone call as she had mentioned a few of her fave things and my DS was pleased as they were also his fave things, like food and fave song etc
I actually thought this was sweet of her to do, and hopefully in the future it will be another person who will care about my kids, I'm not bitter towards her.

what do i do about Christmas?
he has just asked me if he can come round Christmas morning and watch them open their Presents, I said yes, i asked him how would he get to mine and he said a taxi or he could sleep on my couch the night before, I dont think this is a good idea?