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Relationships

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What's 'normal' after 5 years?

12 replies

user14869556378 · 14/10/2018 04:21

Myself and a small group of my friends have all been in relationships for 5-7 years. For me, I feel as though my relationship is hitting breaking point and on reflection I don't think from at least the outside my friends relationships seem much different. My partner and I just bicker all the time about the most pointless unnecessary stuff and it's just starting to really wear me down. Little to no effort is being made to improve things anymore (from both sides) and I'm finding myself fantasising more and more of a single life (not to meet other people but just a peaceful life - I need a break!). This is my first long term relationship so I have no clue if this is just expected at the 5-7 year mark . How were your current or past relationships after this sort of time frame together? Any other insights or advice will be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 14/10/2018 04:55

Almost 6 years with DP, we have a good love and social life, happy, pretty chilled with each other.

We have our ups & sounds like any couple, no unkind words or big arguments though

Previous relationship was longer, and a nightmare. He was the wrong person but I hung on in there for too long, God knows why. I ended it and miss him for ages. but the day came when I suddenly felt better. Due to no more arguments, stress, angst. I wallowed in the peace.

It's good when you're with the right person, it's shit when you're not

MissDai5y · 14/10/2018 05:14

My current relationship is coming up to 6 years and not much has changed since we first met except for the frequency of sex. Only a couple of times a week now but we've got a nearly 4mth old.

Still say I love you all the time, plenty of cuddles and kisses and helping each other out.
We rarely fight although we do have some heated debates but OH likes playing devils advocate and I kind of like a challenge. Sometimes things get a little heated or passive aggressive if being in the car is involved (I was hit by a car and I am super cautious in one, he does all the driving as I can't , so my reaction can be a little over the top and insulting sometimes) but it always finishes with apologies on both sides.

That's not to say we don't bicker, there's plenty of stuff that gets on my nerves like leaving stuff where it lays rather than in the sink, wash basket or the bin but I have my moan.and it's done till next time.

I've had 1 other relationship that lasted 7 years and it was much the same for a long time except I was doing the work of 2 people. There was little give on her part. I like looking after people so I didn't see how one sided that was until after the fact. She found God and God apparently didn't like lesbians (didnt know i was bi at the time) so that was why we broke up. Definitely did me a favour as I don't know how long I would have been in denial.

Every relationship is different though, doesn't make it wrong if it works for you. If you're wanting the single life though, maybe it isn't. I couldn't imagine being without my OH, he very much is my other half, but at the same time I know I could cope if something happened.

ImogenTubbs · 14/10/2018 05:29

DH and I have been together 10 years. Things are not perfect but we love and respect each other and are kind, loving and have fun together on a daily basis. We rarely bicker and show each other lots of affection, even if just a kiss on the cheek or holding hands on the sofa. Life is exhausting at the moment and DH has been very ill so not much sex but we still are time for each other and certainly am not fantasising about single life!

Doesn't sound like your OH is the one for you, OP.

Treacletoots · 14/10/2018 06:56

There's a simple equation in relationships.

Do they make your life better for being in it?

If so, stay. If not, leave. Life is too short. It really is.

DragonGoby · 14/10/2018 07:16

When DH and I had been together 5 years, we had just got engaged! It was a very happy time, we were buying a house together and planning the wedding.

That was 16 years ago, now married with 3 DC and still very happy. We went through a tough time when the DC were very small (the usual stuff - sleep deprivation and not enough quality time together) but pulled through it. We rarely bicker and fight.

LellyMcKelly · 14/10/2018 07:59

Are you happy with him? If not, that’s enough reason to leave. You don’t need any additional justification or rationalisation, particularly if you have no kids.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/10/2018 08:30

Treacletoots has it nailed! plus you can end a relationship for any reason or none. You do not need the consent of the other person.

OP your longing for the single life for a while is very telling. It's exhausting to be constantly bickering, and you don't seem to be one of those women who hang on to a past-its-best relationship for the sake of having a man.

Honeyroar · 14/10/2018 08:37

It doesn't matter what is "normal" or what anyone else's relationship is like, all that matters is what your relationship is like. If you're constantly arguing and you're dreaming of being single then this is not right. It's not always a dramatic end to a relationship. It can simply not be quite right. You're clearly not dreaming of forever with this man..

SoyDora · 14/10/2018 08:42

Well after 5 years we were married and had a DD, and had lived in 3 different countries together! We were both knackered with a young baby and definitely weren’t going out as much etc but we were still happy.
We’ve now been together for 9 years and married for 6, have 2 children and a third on the way. Still in love, don’t bicker (too much!), are older, greyer and more tired but still happy!
As a PP says, it’s pretty irrelevant what other people’s relationships are like. If you’re not happy and dream of being single, then leave.

SoyDora · 14/10/2018 09:04

On the other hand, with my first long term boyfriend I knew after 5 years together that we weren’t meant to be. Constant bickering, wanted completely different things... it took another 3 years for me to pluck up the courage to end it.

Soconfusedrn · 14/10/2018 09:28

I have no idea how to start a thread as I am new to this but am in a similar situation, been in a relationship of 4 years and for me the spark has gone and I just dont know what to do. I have attempted to leave in the past but he got too upset and overwhelmed and convinced me otherwise and things were good for a little while but now I am back where I started. He has no doubts about our relationship and constantly talks of the future and I dont know what to say to him. He is not abusive at all, I feel the problem is I have began to see him as more of a friend, we have the same friendship group and I dont want to ruin it and make their lives uncomfortable. I work with him so would have to see him regardless. I do love him, but not romantically anymore and dont want to hurt him, but he doesnt seem to understand how I see things and I’m afraid I’ll never go back to where we was.

AnnaMagnani · 14/10/2018 09:58

After about 7 years together we make each other happy. Not so much sex, a lot of affection. Quite a lot of routine - we could probably complete most of each other's sentences Blush A lot of giggling. We support each other.

You don't sound like you are in that place. The effort to improve things has to come from both parties, not just one - you can kick it off on your own but if your partner isn't following, or doesn't care about you or the relationship as much as you do, I think it's time to call it a day.

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