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Original poster

DH wants to be mean

16 replies

BengalLioness · 13/10/2018 22:27

DH and I have had a pretty rocky marriage , lots of ups and downs over the last 9 years but things have gotten quite stable for the past few months after lots individual therapy etc.

Recently when we've been having some really good days he keeps saying "I don't know why but I keep wanting to be mean to you. I just want to be horrible.".

He's not being horrible but he says he wants to be horrible to me sometimes. I asked him why, he says he doesn't know and kind of shrugs it off.

We both over the 9 years have suffered from depression and anxiety. Him particularly severe anxiety and I have been suffering from depression for a long time and do take anti depressants.

I just don't understand why he would say that. We used to be horrible to each other before but have been working it out and it's been a lot to do with us not prioritising our mental health. Since we've started getting on top of that our marriage has been improving. It just upsets me when he says that because I just don't know why. Could it be that he's so used to having a turbulent marriage that it doesn't feel normal to him? I don't understand ....

I don't really have anyone to talk to about things like this so I am not really sure what I want people to say to me.. I just don't want to be taking steps backwards.

OP posts:
TwistinMyMelon · 13/10/2018 22:29

If someone tells you who they are, listen. He clearly takes pleasure in hurting you, and feels hard done by now he doesn't get to do that because he is "trying". Not being horrible is a basic in a relationship, not something that should be an effort. It is only a matter of time before he starts being awful to you again.

CageyBee · 13/10/2018 22:30

This is the biggest red flag you will ever have. We wait for people to tell us who they really are and he has. Can you imagine you both in your nineties and recounting him saying this? No. It won’t work.

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 22:31

Do you ever think he might be the cause of your depression? You would find your spirits lift so high if you split up. He is a danger to your mental health.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2018 22:35

Telling you he 'wants' to be mean IS being mean!!! If he cared, he'd be telling a counselor/mental health professional that he wants to be mean to you and asking for help. He wouldn't be telling it to you.

I think you and he should seriously consider living separately for awhile.

LizzieSiddal · 13/10/2018 22:39

Is he saying it because he’s perturbed by these thoughts? So he’s having them but knows it’s wrong and is worried by them?

Move2WY · 13/10/2018 22:41

If you’ve both been routinely horrible to each other then is it a bad habit he has gotten in to? I’m glad he’s not actually being horrible- at least he’s making an effort- and perhaps it will become natural.

MysweetAudrina · 13/10/2018 23:07

Sounds to me like he is having a realisation. He is aware if what he is feeling, he is discussing it and he is not acting on it which all seem like positive steps to me. It sounds like his old way of dealing with his feelings was to be mean to you but now he is taking responsibility for them but still has the urge to make you feel responsible so he doesn't have to sit with those feelings.

He needs to do some more counselling so he can get some more awareness and then find a constructive way to deal with those feelings.

Well done to both of you for getting help and trying to take ownership of your own issues. No matter what the outcome of your marriage that work won't go to waste for either of you.

Original poster
BengalLioness · 14/10/2018 00:32

@MysweetAudrina I agree. He is really reflecting on his past actions and his thought processes. We've both had a lot of issues historically and throughout our marriage so lots of things to get through in counselling. He's grown up in a dysfunctional abusive family as have I.

Sometimes I feel we're just two broken people trying to fix each other.

@Move2WY I'm hoping it does become natural. The only reason I'm able to control my erratic behaviour is because I'm medicated ! He won't take medication.

@LizzieSiddal He is showing he's worried about them. He suffers from severe anxiety so he generally worries about everything anyway. When he's anxieties are at their worst that's when he's being the most horrible to me. I usually find that something going on at work or he's stressed about something .

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalLioness · 14/10/2018 00:34

@HollowTalk I think my mum is the source of my depression really- she's always been emotionally abusive towards me and is still controlling when she can be.

OP posts:
Dieu · 14/10/2018 01:18

It sounds like unkindness had become habit for you both, and he is finding it hard to break. Your relationship has changed, and he's not sure if he wants it on these new terms. Your answer depends on whether or not he feels guilt or anxiety at having those thoughts. Are they welcomed by him, or seen as intrusive and unwanted?

pallasathena · 14/10/2018 08:22

People can get addicted to negative drama in their lives and feel anxious and unhappy when there isn't any. Its a bit like being an adrenalin junkie or having a personal history of not knowing any other way to be in life. Either way, its a sad state of affairs.
Look at all the soaps on tv currently. Their storylines are always the same and the negativity and nastiness of it all can seep into the psyche if you're not careful.
Maybe this nastiness to each other has become a default position. Maybe you both need to learn to live your lives in a more mindful, respectful and compassionate way. Or maybe, you need to listen to what he's saying and make a better life for yourself without him.

Joysmum · 14/10/2018 08:35

Its worse than you think. Not only does he get a kick out of being mean to you but he’s got a kick from telling you, probably knowing you’ll stand for by not leaving, and not wanting to change it because he likes it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2018 08:39

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

It looks like you went onto marry a man who is similar in nature to your own mother whom you also describe as emotionally abusive and controlling. Your H is certainly not helping your depressed state and is further contributing to it. He probably hates women, all of them starting with his own mother.

I would look into planning an exit from your marriage because this is not how marriage should be at all.

Cattus · 14/10/2018 08:40

The fact that he shrugs it off after telling you suggests that he’s being careless and unkind, not simply being open and honest.

LizzieSiddal · 14/10/2018 09:00

Could you go to counselling, separately? It sounds like you both have issues not caused by each other, that need sorting.

Beelzebop · 14/10/2018 21:48

By saying this, and then not following up with a nasty action he gets to upset you but convince himself he's not actually done anything. That's really nasty xxxxx.

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