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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do? Advice please

10 replies

happyunicorn1 · 13/10/2018 22:05

I’m in serious need of advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, unfortunately, we’re currently living with his parents. We’re both in our twenties (me early twenties and him late twenties, nearly thirty)... and I just feel I’m stuck. Not too go into too many specifics, my boyfriend earns over 1 grand a month, I earn a lot less. But he has no sign of moving out. I’ve spoken of getting a place for myself nearby and he’s not having it, he’s telling me I’ll struggle and I can’t afford it, but I can, I’ll just be left with a little amount to myself but at this point I’d settle for that. He has no hope for our future, I ask him “will we ever be on our own” and he never has a straight answer, he just gets angry with me. A few months back, he was looking into getting a mortgage for him AND his parents. I want my life back, I want independence, I want my own place where I can have some freedom. And it’s starting to feel like that will happen without him. But the basis of my question is what do I do? I feel if we discuss breaking up, his parents will get involved, and it will get messy and complicated. He’s my first boyfriend, I’ve never dealt or experienced a break up before but I know it shouldn’t feel this suffocating and complicated. I feel like I’m a teenager again, and I hate it.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 22:07

How come you're earning so little, OP?

He's your first boyfriend and he's still living at home at nearly 30 and thinking of buying somewhere with his mum and dad.

Time to move on, I think.

Original poster

happyunicorn1 · 13/10/2018 22:11

I’m currently doing an apprenticeship, which earns less than what the average wage should be. I still get a decent amount each week/month, but he’s gotten a pay rise etc at his job so he’s getting way more than me.

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 13/10/2018 22:17

Op you are a free agent, no children or ties to him....just do whatever feels right for you..

Personally staying with his parents sounds horrible and l would rather be in a tiny flat!

I would also struggle to find a man who doesn't want to leave his parents attractive.

Musti · 14/10/2018 00:03

I'd want to live on my own too and experience life. What's the point of living with his parents?

Honeyroar · 14/10/2018 00:09

It sounds like you've outgrown him and he doesn't want to change. If I were you I'd move out and on with your life.

DancingForTheDog · 14/10/2018 00:12

What do you do? You make alternative arrangements for your accommodation and you leave. You don't have to have any big discussions with his parents and you don't owe them any explanations, just sort out where you are going to live and tell them you are leaving. If you were my daughter I would be urging you to not waste your life on a 30 year old who's more than happy living with his mum and dad.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2018 05:16

As a woman who is much older than you are with far more wisdom (and I am NOT meaning that in an offensive way, it's just the truth), I implore you to RUN RUN RUN. Your partner has zero ambition, and what's even worse, he doesn't want you to have any ambitions for yourself. He is nothing but an anchor around your neck. You have a bright future ahead of yourself, but not if you stay with him.

Monty27 · 14/10/2018 05:20

If you need your own space and have the confidence to do so, leave the baggage behind with his parents. He will only ever hold you back.
Best of luck with your apprenticeship. Stay focused

Treacletoots · 14/10/2018 06:53

Run for the hills! Leave this man baby to stay with his parents and you'll be just fine.

I moved out at 17 and have never looked back. My older brother however didn't move out until he was 40. Now imagine being stuck with that. It's a no from us too .

Changedname3456 · 14/10/2018 09:37

Are you sure you can afford somewhere on an apprenticeship salary? I only ask because my stepson is clearing about 1100 net a month and it’s really difficult to see how he can afford to keep himself in what a typical 1 bed costs these days. It’s anywhere from a third to a half of his salary (the lower end being house shares).

Once you add in his car costs (unfortunately necessary), plus utilities, realistic food budget, council tax, broadband, mobile, insurance etc it leaves very little left in the pot each month.

I’d definitely encourage you to do it if you can (doesn’t sound like BF is getting off his arse anytime soon) but make sure you’ve been realistic with your budgeting (not meaning to be patronising - I just know how little clue my SS has on what life costs!).

Also don’t forget you need a lump sum for application fees and two months up front in most private rentals.

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