Advice needed please - to prosecute or not

[AnotherGin]

I hope this isn't too outing as I've already had to change my username as well as all my personal contact details. It's also long so apologies to anyone who reads this.

Short story is my ex, who was emotionally abusive, has been harassing me since December when I left him. He was issued with a police warning notice a while back which after a few months was ignored. The harassment has recently got worse - emails, texts and phone calls to my work phone (personal phone number was changed). Some days it was one message, others it was 20.

I was advised by the police to re-block him on everything and to change my email address, which I've now done (it's a massive pain in the arse). I've heard nothing in about 10 days apart from a few missed calls from unknown numbers - might be him (probably is) but I can't prove it one way or the other. It's unlikely to be my boss or a client at those times.

The police said they have more than enough to arrest him, which could be done in the next few days. If it goes to court, I have to give evidence. I don't have a choice, although special measures can be applied for to "protect" me. I'm terrified at the thought. Or I could ask them to hold fire, to see if he stops now that he doesn't have so many avenues of communication to get through to me.

I feel guilty enough for all of this but it's coming up to a year since several traumatic events for us both and I don't know if he'll up the harassment or give up. I don't know. I wish I did.

Do I ask them to wait in the hope that this dies down or do I proceed now with a prosecution that I wanted so desperately to avoid? Do I wait several more months to see if he stops?

Proceed. Quickly

Why would he give up harassing you now?

I can’t tell you what to do. All I know is that I was harassed and then sexually abused as a younger woman. Given the choice by police to prosecute, I said no. I was scared, I wanted to leave it behind me and forget about it.

The same person who abused me went on to abuse others and finally raped someone.

I have to live with the guilt of wondering if I could have prevented that by pressing charges years ago. I am pressing charges now, as part of a much larger case against him. I wish I had done it sooner.

I would prosecute op, sorry,
l know you don't want to, but he has to know you have the full weight of the law behind you....

I would prosecute op, sorry,
l know you don't want to, but he has to know you have the full weight of the law behind you....

This

I don’t think this will end till you do.

He’s not going to stop. He may go quiet for a bit but that’s to lull you into a false sense of security. I would seriously consider continuing with the prosecution in your shoes. You deserve a life without harassment from this man.

I think you should proceed. And get advice from an independent organisation, maybe women's aid?

I definitely think you should. Men like this don’t just stop.

I was harassed by the ex husband of a woman I was in a very casual relationship with. The worst thing I did was not have the balls to prosecute him and log every piece of intimidation. It did eventually die down but it took too long and made me jumpy for years afterwards.

Lay it on thick. You’re scared. You can’t sleep. It’s affecting your work. Etc. And document everything.

Thanks all, your input is really appreciated. Everything has been documented and photographed by the police, so that's all done. I'm due to speak to them today so will try to find out more about the process. The local victim support people are meant to call me next week as well.

You have every right to go about your business free of abuse and intimidation from him.

Why do you feel at all guilty here; guilt in this case is a useless emotion. He feels no guilt for his actions towards you and never has done; he still sees you as his possession to have power and control over. He still wants absolute over you just as he did when you were in a relationship with him. Such men do not change and he won't stop harassing you.

I would proceed asap with prosecution; there has to be consequences for his actions. He has not changed one iota since you were unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with him.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat You're right, he hasn't changed, although he swears blind he has and that we can have a happy wonderful future together. It's nonsense.

The guilt is that I worry I'm being unfair or premature by dragging him through court. He's convinced that I won't / can't talk to him because it's too painful because I still love him. I don't. He'll never understand what he's put me through for all these years.

His conviction that we can still fix this is pulling me towards prosecution as that's why I think he won't stop, although it's the fear of giving evidence and having to be properly involved in the prosecution that's very off putting.