A gesture of goodwill

[Whatshouldmynamebe321]

A gesture of goodwill is how ex describes money he contributes towards our children.

I'm did fed up with not being able to get away from or protect my children from the manipulating animal.

We have 50/50 split because he manipulated me and intimidated me and the barristers in the court room.
So he does not need to pay maintenance, but agreed to contribute to big spends. I buy everything except the food he gives them when at his.

I think in total this year he has paid 150 towards expenses for our 4 children.

He promised me 200 towards some large costs about 3 months ago. But now when I ask he turns nasty and says any money he gives is a gesture of goodwill and not something I should expect.

He is so manipulative telling me if he's abusive towards me it's because of my own actions and I need to watch my behaviour.

We split 5 years ago....why can't I be rid of these games? And my poor children, so loyal and manipulated by their father they don't let on but I'm sure their existence with him must be unpleasant at times 😬

Sorry, I'm not an expert, but can't you go back to court to demand he pays 50/50 of all expenses (clothes, after school clubs, hobbies, pocket money, books, computers etc)?

DianaT1969 not likely.

OP if care is 50:50 what extras does he cover?

Me and exh have a fairly ad hoc agreement to pay for things like trips etc. Clothes, Christmas presents and like we cover our own.

Can you take advice from a solicitor who specialises in family law and see if things need reevaluating?

We had a loose ad hoc agreement that worked initially.

It's not so much the money (I've resigned myself to the fact he will never be much help in that department).

It's more the ability he still has to touch me and there appears to be a shadow over my life forever more of anxiety he leaves me feeling that I thought I would be free of once he left.

I know there aren't answers just needed to tell someone how i feel.

I found counselling extremely helpful.

I keep the tax credits and he agreed to help with costs over and above what they cover.

He covers food at his house. Days out they have with him which is zero. Presents from him. But recently he suggested we go joint on presents. So ive bought them and given them to the children from both of us but he's not contributing to those despite agreeing to.
It's that that he told me if he gives anything it's a gesture of goodwill and nothing I should expect.

Can you afford to turn down any help he offers?

Honestly I would take any cash directly of my exh. It's just perception, but him paying the school directly for a trip, feels very different to him giving it to me to pay for. Him taking ds for trainers feels very different, to him giving me money to do it. My ex was abusive too. Though things are slightly better since we split. He is still a risk though. He said he would pay for ds last trip and when it got to the day before I could see it hadn't been paid. So I paid it. So the ad hoc doesn't work well all the time. But I can afford to pick the slack up when ex is dixkinf about.

Obviously your exh may refuse to pay for anything.

Cushion covers....I do wonder if I need some.
What sort of therapy did you Have?
And how does it help? Does it help you accept and box up those feelings they give us.

Don't do joint presents. You aren't together. Your ex needs to cover everything at his house.

Extras should be split, like school trips etc.

Notaclue....Yes I've attempted to avoid anything cash exchanging hands. For example 2 years ago he agreed to pay some pocket money direct to our teenage daughters bank account ..for her to spend as she wishes...clothes and social. I contribute he did about 3 payments and then stopped it.

To be fair, anything he pays to cover your half of something is technically a gesture of good will.

For example, if care is 50:50, you both need uniform. He should buy uniform for his house and you for yours. It's not a joint thing. You need to draw that line to get the power back.

Notaclue...that's where we come stuck as i receive the tax credits I buy those things.

If i split the tax credits with him....I couldn't trust him to spend it on the right things. He wouldn't get the right uniforms...my children wouldn't get the specific socks they like etc it would be a nightmare.

But you're right presents I won't fall for that one again.

that's where we come stuck as i receive the tax credits I buy those things.

You receive tax credits, but did your earning potential decline due to having children?
If so, you need to look at tax credits as compensation that makes up the shortfall.

Yes Diana i still work now tax credits just tops up. But salary is far less as I work 30 hours a week and keep a local less responsibility job so I can be there for my children when they need me.

He feels strongly he should have half of them. And I would agree if I knew he would spend it appropriately.
When we first split he said he wanted me to keep them as I bought his half the house from him and have a larger mortgage to pay as a result which will ultimately be the children's inheritance.

You are too entwined. You get all the tax credits and share care.

He is in fact right and it's a gesture of goodwill. And everytime you need/ would like him to contribute that's what you are asking you are giving him the power.

If my ex told me what I have to spend my tax credits on, I would tell him to piss off in all honesty. If my ex bought the wrong uniform, and the school called I would tell them they need to call his dad and discuss it.

Shared care is very difficult. But it's best to not rely on the other at all or give them a reason to feel you are beholden to them.