How do we stay friends?

[BeTrue]

Hi all,

So something strange has happened this week. Just briefly before I go into it, I have been with my DP for 5 years and I am incredibly happy and very much in love.

I have been at my new job for just over 2 years and I love it, very good friends with everyone I work with and it's not a mundane job. I have always been close with a colleague of mine, we share similar interests, watch the same tv shows etc, he reminds me of my brother and we have such a laugh together. On Friday after work he sent me a message saying he has feelings for me? I don't know what to do, the feelings aren't reciprocated but I don't want to upset him and lose the friendship we have. I've not yet replied and he's sent me a couple of apologetic messages since saying he shouldn't have told me.

Any advice is appreciated in what to say!

oh thats a tough one. but i would definitely back off abit from the friendship. does he know your not single?

He's met DP at a couple of work do's. I'm at a complete loss, i don't want to upset him and lose the friendship by distancing myself but at the same time want him to know that I don't have those feelings

Reply plainly "I don't share those feelings. I'm very happy and in love with DP". Spell it out but nicely. You can tell him you enjoy his company as a friend but have no thoughts beyond that.

I think you'll need to dial back the friendship though. Stay friendly but not friends. Don't seek him out, quick chats only. He probably won't like it but this is for his benefit.

Just accept his apology by text, making it clear you don’t reciprocate the feelings, and then see how he is with you tomorrow.

He’s probably going to feel a bit awkward and embarrassed, but that’s not your fault and you shouldn’t feel like you have to change your behaviour with him. Just take things as he plays them.

If he backs off, allow him to. If he carries on as if it didn’t happen then (if you still want to continue as friends in the same way) do the same. It only needs to be awkward if one or both of you make it so.

It was a gaff on his part

I think you have to distance yourself. He's overstepped the mark by telling you this, knowing you have a partner and has even met him.
Maybe after some time has passed and his feelings have faded you could remain friends. But to carry on a friendship now wouldn't really work because it's not equal and his intentions would be different to yours.
He could misread things you do, still think there's a chance for you and him, see things that aren't there etc because his feelings would cloud everything.

You're going to have to step back from this friendship, he's obviously misinterpreted it and will probably step back from embarrassment and to get over his feelings.
Whatever you both say now the reality is that things will change and a break might mean that in the long term you'll be able to remain friends.

You have to tell him very clearly that the only feelings you have and will ever have is as a friend and that for his sake it's better if you distance yourself. Tell him that you are very happy and in love with your husband and that you know that such a great guy will also find someone for himself.

The fact you didn't reply on Friday indicates that you don't share his feelings. He realised this, hence the subsequent apology.

So, before work tomorrow, thank him for the apology, tell him not to worry, and briefly reiterate that you're with someone. Don't tell anyone else at work (for his sake, he'll feel foolish if word spreads). Act normally for now but if he seems to be holding out hope over the coming weeks, step back.

He shouldn't have said anything as he knows you aren't single. Its disrespectful of you, and your relationship. What did he want - for you to leave your partner for him? Or just cheat? Neither sounds palatable.

Don't prioritise worrying about his feelings, over being very clear that you are neither single not interested in him romantically.

If it's awkward then it's awkward, let that be his worry not yours. You don't have to be rude about it, just direct.. You don't want to upset him but he'd be cool with upsetting your relationship. Great friend..
.
We are just too nice as women at times. It's conditioning, I guess. Best to distance yourself. His idea of friendship is different than yours.