My mother.

[Yewnicorn]

My grandma (mother’s mum) had quite a hard few years towards the end of her life..she stopped speaking, couldn’t mobilise but still understood. She stopped eating in the end and I feel I supported my mum every sad step through it all.
On the day of her death, my mum and I arrived at her care home at around 2pm. My grandma passed at 7pm. I was there with my mum until around 4 until other members of immediate family arrived.
About 9pm, we all made arrangements to start going home.
I spoke to my mother, I wanted to go home as I was exhausted and said I’ll be up to hers first thing. This was fine.
I text my mum later on that night and when I went round in the morning, I was met with anger and coldness. She said some terrible things, two in particular stands out as she said “you were trouble from the moment I had you” (she’s always been cold towards me from cradle) and “I don’t care what’s happened to you in the past” in relation to a childhood sexual assault.
She said all of these horrible statements, shouted even, because her and my brothers (who I don’t really speak to) went back to hers and were “disappointed and shocked” that I didn’t go round after.
My brothers knew about our grandmas passing the same time as me, but didn’t turn up until 5pm.
I knew my mum was grieving, as was I, so I showed nothing but understanding and said anything to placate her.
She’s not spoken to me since and this was three years ago.
I need piece of mind that I haven’t actually done anything wrong and how to accept that my mother isn’t in my life anymore.
TIA

I'm so sorry, that sounds horrendous. Not all mothers are kind and nurturing, some are toxic and selfish. From what you've said you've done nothing to deserve that treatment. Sounds like there might be a scapegoat/golden child/ren dynamic in your family but you've only said a snapshot. I imagine there are more instances.

There are loads of toxic parent stories on here so I'm sure someone with better advice will be along soon. You may find the Stately Homes thread helpful for survivors of toxic parenting.

You have done nothing wrong. You supported her despite how she has treated you all your life.
It should of been the other way round,she was the parent.
My mother was heartless and cruel, she’s dead now but even in reflection I treated her better than she ever treated me.
You’ll never win with her, cut ties completely and enjoy your life 💐

She behaved appalling.

I come from a family with more than a few toxic members, multiple estrangements and a mother I’ve had to carefully manage with boundaries for several years.

I’d be surprised if your mother’s lack of contact isn’t precisely because of guilt about what she said to you. She’s likely very aware of your great support of her through your grandmother’s illness and death. She knows her own behaviour was pretty unforgivable, regardless of the bereavement she was feeling. She knows you did nothing wrong, and that she lashed out and said those few things that are designed to wound and can’t be unsaid. Unfortunately, she’s not ‘woman enough’ to admit her failings towards you, and ask forgiveness and make reparations. It’s just plain easier for her to stick to her guns, and blame you. This way she gets to avoid that messy process of self awareness and genuine humility.

When she gets in touch one day (because she needs you again) and starts talking some nonsense about you both having done bad things you regret, water under the bridge, being prepared to forgive you etc -consider holding firm. Remember that she decided every day for years that you weren’t worth it. By all means forgive her, but be wary of letting someone into your life who can prioritise themselves over you this much. Even people with the title ‘mother’.

You know you have done your best. Now go find some lovely older women to be friends with. It really can help fill that gap. A counsellor can also help with coming to terms with a parent’s rejection. Especially if you think you’ll be a mother yourself one day (or already are).

I guarantee at some point the hurt feelings fade. In fact if you’re lucky, they won’t be replaced with righteous anger!

It’s horrible having a toxic parent but think of the positives.

You will never have to care for her when she is older or visit her and you will never give her the chance to break your heart again and be cruel to you again.

As others said you are better off not speaking to her

My first thought was that the moment she no longer needed your support, because her mother had died, she rejected you.
Nothing you did was wrong or even unreasonable.

No. You've done NOTHING wrong. As others have said, not all mothers are kind or nurturing. Some are bitter, toxic and plain nasty. She sounds like the latter and be grateful she's chosen to ignore you.

I have one who keeps harassing me despite us clearly telling her to leave us the f alone.