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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fear for the future, single parent of two under 2

12 replies

Veronikaz · 13/10/2018 18:35

I'm 14 weeks pregnant and have a nine month old baby, my relationship with the father (with whom I was with for five years) has been trying to say the least. We've had CC but after a second infidelity I've had to ask him to leave.

In terms of practical support its unlikely I'll receive much if any now he's out of the family home. I'm not concerned about finances and won't struggle for money but won't have enough to hire a nanny, that's for sure.

I'm worried how on earth I'll find the time to sleep, do housework and look after myself in between juggling a toddler and a newborn. I'm petrified of being overwhelmed, and I'm convinced I will be. The early months with DS were very tough, he had colic.

I'm starting to wonder whether I should have swallowed my pride and had a termination before it progressed this far, I was the typical "pro life" mum who swore I'd never consider it, yet here I am Sad

I guess I'm hoping for reassurance that I haven't ruined my life, or that of my first born, by bringing another baby into our lives when I'm so sure its going to be a nightmare.

I do want my baby but I'm frightened

OP posts:
SpeckledDot · 13/10/2018 18:38

Do you have relatives who can help?

Veronikaz · 13/10/2018 18:59

I live a two hour drive away from my Dbro and sil, another sibling lives abroad and my DM is elderly so unfortunately I don't have hands on family help

The friends I have locally are working mums (as was I until recently) so they have no spare time not that I'd expect anything from them regardless

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 13/10/2018 22:04

Ok Op, please breathe....you can do this particularly if you don't have money issues..

I had 2, 16 months apart, l was living newly overseas with a DH who travelled constantly, and gave absolutely no help at all when he was briefly home.

I had no family there and had not made any friends...

I had an emergency c-section with no one and a planned c-section with the second....

My dm flew over and helped for one week, then l was alone for 3 weeks before DH came back for 2 nights....

My lifesavers were.

Routines,
l loosely followed Gina Ford, so by the time DS came along, DD was in bed asleep by 7pm until 6am......really focus on good sleep training NOW for your toddler...l didn't feed on demand so feedtimes were consistant.

Organised house,

I had a town house, lots of stairs,
so l put a bassinett on each floor (so l could always put baby down somewhere safe), and a playpen on each floor so toddler could be put in with a toy.

I had a bigger playpen with all the toys in the kitchen, and in sight of a TV ( for essential distraction when feeding or cooking!) so toddler had a safe play area, and l could put baby down without risk from toddler.

Nappies, wipes and changing mat on each floor.

I used to put toddler in cot ( with a couple of toys )and baby on a pile of towels in the bathroom, in my view, once both were fed and changed in the morning, whilst l showered and washed my hair.

l had a cleaner, if you can afford it never will it be more appreciated!

Whilst pregnant l ruthlessly decluttered, and rearranged my home to make cleaning up easier, and imagined what l would need where when no 2 came along....

Food and nappy deliveries..

Acceptance that it would be full on for a while with no evenings out!

The good things were,
As it was largely myself and the dcs, l arranged my life to suit me,
l rarely had to cook for DH, so ate early to give myself precious downtime in the evenings ( by the time DS was 6 months he was going down to sleep, like DD, at 7pm in his own room with a monitor) He had a sleep feed and change at 10.30 then would sleep through till 5.30am.
I had from 7ish till 10.30 to myself....and slept from 11pm till 5.30am.

If l was really tired l would go to bed at 8pm till the 10.30 feed then go back to bed after.

Of course it doesn't always go to plan, but IMO trying to stick to a routine of sorts certainly makes life easier....

The other advantage was as sson as DS could crawl, they would entertain each other for hours, then they played for hours together as they got older, only now they are 12 and 11 do they clash!

All the way through l have had very little support and it is perfectly doable, just think how YOU want to do things, and also always look after your health, for me that was getting enough sleep.....

Congratulations on your pregnancy...you will be great!

Whatshouldmynamebe321 · 13/10/2018 22:07

It's very understandable for you to be anxious.

But you will manage. Every baby is different...chances are the second will be contented happy baby.

Try to relax and not worry x

Veronikaz · 13/10/2018 22:19

Thanks so much ladies, I'm probably over reacting I've just been so nervous!

I'm going to take note of the above tips which are brilliant, so I'll be implementing those, starting with decluttering now and getting everything ready.

DS is a good sleeper these days. He has his last feed at around 11.30 then sleeps straight through until 7/8. I think I was mainly concerned that I'd have another colicky baby! As that's the only experience I have to draw reference from.

I never set out to be a lone parent but many manage so I'm sure I will, fingers crossed

OP posts:
AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight · 13/10/2018 22:28

If you can afford one get a cleaner, also a double pram. Check out facebook selling sites for double prams, you'll get one for a fraction of original price. It will get you out of the house for some fresh air, and on a good day they will both nap in the pram at the same time.

A travel cot makes a useful safe place to set the baby once they outgrow the bassinet. Toddlers can be quite vicious to younger siblings as they don't have the emotional inteligence to control their temper. Separating them when your back is turned is essential.

Have the older sibling 'help' with the baby. Even basic things like passing a clean nappy, or helping dab their tummy with a flannel at bath time.

Go to toddler groups. I never went with dc1, but with two under two I found it was a chance to destress while the toddler played, and someone else made me a hot drink.

At times both will cry for your attention at the same time, so one will have to wait. So long as they are in a safe place they will be fine so don't beat yoursef up about it.

Ask people for help if you are struggling. I had days when I broke down and cried, and when I speak to friends about it now they say 'why didn't you call me?'. Pride I guess.

Although initially it will be hard, having two is easier as they get older as they start to entertain each other.

GreenLantern53 · 14/10/2018 00:19

I have 2 born a year apart. it was fine tbh and i was a LP. I am now a LP to 4 witj no family support. im sure you will cope believe me there are many single mums with 2+ kids.

Justgivemeasoddingname · 14/10/2018 00:25

I wish I had the confidence to have kids with a closer age gap like yours as although it may be tough at first I think you will reap the benefits later.
You can absolutely do this!
Just get organised and you will be fab.

Mysecondwind · 14/10/2018 10:06

@AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight Thank you for the tips Smile

I haven't bothered with baby groups with DS1 either but am already planning to start, I've signed up with my local children's center and they do free sessions which I'll be starting in the next few weeks.

DS has a travel cot which is a god send when I'm cooking or tidying up.

I'll definitely look on Facebook and other sales sites for the pram, brand new doubles certainly don't come cheap!

I can definitely afford a cleaner for a few hours a week so I'll look into that once baby arrives and I have less free time.

@GreenLantern53 I really admire that! Respect to you. Having four alone seems superhuman to me Grin and here I am panicking about two!

@Justgivemeasoddingname thank you very much, I'm looking forward to all the nice aspects of having two close in age and worry aside I do think it will be quite lovely for DS to have a little best friend

Mysecondwind · 14/10/2018 10:07

Feeling a bit silly for having a wobble now! Bloody hormones Blush

bluetissuepaper · 14/10/2018 11:49

OP I was a single mum with a 6 month old and 2 YO - though it was challenging it really was the making of me and I'm not sure i would have done if any other way. The tips above are great (routines really are key!), as you're not going to be struggling for money I would really just relax and enjoy this bond you will have with your kids. You will be an brilliant team of three and they'll grow up having you as their hero 

Dragongirl10 · 14/10/2018 14:36

Op , WE ALL PANICKED AT SOME POINT !!

Please don't feel silly, its easy to look back and offer advice, very different when you are at your stage not knowing what to expect.....

I second what bluetissuepaper said

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