Live in NYC with a difficult husband

[Opalnyc]

I am a mother of two and we moved to nyc for hubbys job. My problem is that he’s away a lot and has a very difficult job which leaves me alone with the kids (no family around etc). The first year was fine made lots of friends second year has been hard as lots of friends left nyc and my happiness level are at a low. Husband deals with stress by drinking all night long doesn’t call me when he comes home, he’s a mess and can be quite nasty verbally. We’ve addressed this numerous times and he stops drinking then the pressure is on again and he has another wild night out, same pattern. He has done this for the 12 years we have been together. Problem is it’s got worse with this job, kids are noticing and I get so scared he’s going to hurt them by accident by falling asleep on them in their beds or something. I can never sleep when he is ‘out for dinner’. He’s messed up so many family days with hangovers, I am in this strange country with no real support, it’s like a dirty secret that I can’t tell anyone how bad it is. He wants to stay in the USA for another 2 years but I want to go home this summer. He says it’s not an option. I don’t work here, we have no ties except his very well paid job. We have a house in the uk with parents around the corner. Do I just say I am taking the kids back to the Uk this summer and leave? I can’t stand this lifestyle anymore. I love him but I feel he’s taken the piss far too many times. I actually feel sorry for him but it’s all his own making. I am on here just so get some opinions, as I feel like I am not able to help him anymore.

That sounds like a very difficult and unpleasant situation. Do you plan on staying with your DH OP? He sounds like an alcoholic. If you left, do you know what your legal position would be re: being allowed to take the kids out of the country with/without his permission?

TBH, I think in your position I would separate and move home, but find out what your legal position is. You may need to take the kids home to spend the summer with your family and then just not come back, but it would be much better to do it all above board. How old are the DC - are they in school? If so, and you want to move back next summer, you'll need to get the ball rolling with regard to school places as soon as you can.

Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not, definitely move to the UK to your home and support network.
Sounds like you will be both be happier living apart and you can always take the kids across for visits if he decides to stay longer.

Can you get your mum to call to say there's an emergency and you have to come home? Go home, take the kids and stay here.

Thank you so much for those kind and thoughtful replies. Kids are 9 & 6. He is a good dad, he’s kind and generous and warm hearted. I just can’t deal with his job stress and the way he handles it with alcohol. It’s so hard!! Thank you ladies you have already made me feel less alone. Xxx

Go home at Christmas.

Agree.
Sounds awful for you.
I’d go home at Christmas and have a frank honest conversation with your parents now.

I would start looking for schools in the UK now. Is your house rented; how much notice do your tenants leave.
Can you call it a trial separation and H can fly home for long weekends to see the kids?

I think you'll have to be blunt with him OP. Tell him that you cannot stick another two or three years of this - that you're fed up, miserable, lack support and are finding it impossible to live him in his stressful job and with his drinking. What do you think he'd say if you said that you're moving back to the UK next summer with or without him?

I would also plan to come home regularly in the time you have left - Christmas, Easter and then move back once the kids finish school in May.

As both the US and the UK are Hauge countries, I believe that legally the children are considered residents of the US after living there for one year and you cannot remove them from the country without their father’s permission. If you did and he went to court, you would be made to return the children to his care in the US and it could become a VERY difficult position for you. (There was another thread on here in living overseas about a mother stuck in the US because her husband will not allow her to take the children with her back to the UK - I’ll see if I can find it a post a link - that section and the legal one may be more practical help to you than relationships). I would go find a lawyer and get some good advice about what your options are before making any decisions or taking any advice from an online forum which could make your situation worse.

In the meantime, have you looked at AL-ANON family for support on living with an alcoholic? The groups are very friendly and understanding and have lots of help/resources.

Are you able to work in the US? I know you have no family around but maybe consider what would happen if you divorce but have to stay in the US with your children and how you might support yourself/them. It’s hopefully a worst case scenario (or perhaps having to remain married to him is) but you need to start planning for all possible outcomes.

Good luck and I hope very much that you can find a way forward

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2009/sep/19/expat-finance-divorce

You should read this OP. You need to keep any intentions quiet from him. If he decides to file for divorce in the USA you could be in trouble. It looks like you might be best to concoct a family emergency to fly home. Somebody has died. Make it watertight. Fly home, file for divorce in the UK and get kids in school ASAP to prove you are domiciled. Go speak to a lawyer with international expertise or email/Skype a solicitor in the uk with expat divorce expertise

Opalnyc

Re your "He is a good dad" comment. Why did you write that at all?.

No, he is not a good at all if he treats you and in turn his children like this. Not even close. Alcoholics as well really do not make for being good parents. Women in poor relationships as well often write such when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Would not wait until next summer either to return to the UK: you ultimately need legal advice and to return before then. You are in a city which has many lawyers; find one that is proficient in international laws and go from there.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and in the meantime too I would also get support from Al-anon. They are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking. At the very least you need to read their literature if you cannot attend their meetings.

I also wonder if you are confusing love here with codependency; after all alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand. I would think you are codependent in relationships and that emotional state does you no favours either.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. This is really no legacy to be leaving them, it really is not.

I very much appreciate your advice thank you.

You say

he is a good dad

AND you say he is

drinking all night long doesn’t call me when he comes home, he’s a mess and can be quite nasty verbally.
it’s got worse with this job, kids are noticing

I get so scared he’s going to hurt them by accident
He’s messed up so many family days with hangovers

Sorry, OP. both these sets of statements cannot be true. Be honest to yourself, do what's right for your dcs and get them back to a place where you'll have support.