Divorce - feeling intensely lonely

[TooYoungToBeSoTired]

Split up with DH and moved out on my own a few months ago. I don’t regret it and don’t want to move back. I have a fab new flat, going out and socializing, being very active, new clothes etc. But I feel overwhelmingly lonely. I’m almost 30 and realize I’ve never had a single man love me. ExH wasn’t capable of it, too self-absorbed and mysoginistic. All my other relationships were superficial. I’m no one’s priority, ever. I’ve built a good career, savings, a good life, all on my own. All my friends are at a stage of being in serious exclusive relationships so not interested in loads of girly nights out etc. Plans with me are when they don’t have sth else better to do.
I don’t know why I’m posting. I’m so lonely it hurts. It’s like a massive weight on my chest and I can’t breathe. I hate this. I’m actually fairly attractive, fit, smart and educated. And yet here I am with no one to love me. Hoping someone has some good advice to snap me out of it.

I would love to be you , I’m stuck with a nasty h make the most of you time and I hope your proud of what you’ve achieved you deserve to be happy x

You sound like youv've achieved a lot, like Ribbon said you should be proud but I know that feeling, am going through similar here myself.

If it's only been a few months (well a few months feels like ages if you're lonely) that's not too long, I think you just have to keep getting out there and there be happy with yourself and accept you sometimes have to be patient. That's how I've been trying to look at it. It hurts being lonely I know, my friends have families and don't really go out much.

Are there any local groups or anything you could join to meet some more people to go out with?

^I’m almost 30 and realize I’ve never had a single man love me. ExH wasn’t capable of it, too self-absorbed and mysoginistic. All my other relationships were superficial. I’m no one’s priority, ever. Not being funny love but pretty much everyone is in the same boat.

You should seek counselling for support. Feeling like that is a bit over dramatic and sounds like you have anxiety issues. Find help.

It's still very much early days. Please be gentle with yourself. You have rightly listed your positives. It is lonely at first. You had a dream of how your life was going to be and you've hit a massive blip. Try and think about how you can keep busy. Remember it's actually okay to be sad but seek help if you think it's tipped into depression. It may sound like a cliche but starting a new or resuming a hobby would fill the time void you feel and mean you will met new people. Take care.

Be your own priority! You have to know and love yourself before you can succeed in a relationship. I'm learning this the hard way

Thank god you had the intelligence and insight to see your ex for what he was which means you’ve got a fighting chance of finding someone who does give you what you want.
In the meantime don’t be down on yourself! You’re doing great x

OP - I just want to extend my arms around you and hug you. I really do.

Thirty is so, so fucking young. The biggest transitional steps (apart from being baby to toddler) happen in the thirties to forties for women.

You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I promise you this. In many respects (as others have highlighted), you are ahead of the game. This is good. So may people pray on loneliness. With the very greatest of respect OP, you perceive you are lonely but in point of fact, what you have done is remove people who were sucking your energy for years. The absence of that is very possibly making you feel anxious. Just because it's so new a feeling

It will not last. It will get better x

Negotiate everything on your terms.Now is the time for being selfish.

This is the advantage of divorcing in your late 40s like me: it's all the rage at that age :) Loads of others in the same boat. In fact I'm socialising more than when I was in my 30s, when everyone was spending their evenings with their family, as you mention.

You can't be the only one, though. How about putting an ad on a local forum and starting a coffee evening for divorcees your age?

Also, obviously, get a dog, do volunteering, and what are all those other things on the MN "how not to be lonely" list? :D

I don't think I've ever had a man's love either, and I'm 50 next year. I don't really believe in it, though.

Op at 30 l had never been married or lived with anyone...l was enjoying my life far too much....

Give yourself some time, not to find a lover, or partner, but to find yourself,
Find out what and who you are and how you can become happy in yourself focussing on you own life.

If you are always looking for a partner to make you feel whole you won't be happy.

You dearest darling girl 😘 and 🤗 to you,

You are doing really well. I've gone through two failed marriages and decided, like you, that I was just going to have to muddle along alone. I restarted two hobbies which I derive great pleasure from and keep me busy.

I really have learnt not to rely on others now to boost my sense of worth. I have found solace in knowing that I don't need a significant other to make me feel whole. It would be nice but it's not going to define me.

I think my point is you really don't need the love of another to feel whole. It's easy to say but fill your life with things you enjoy and you will find you are too busy to be lonely.

Heaps of love 💕

Hi OP didn't want to read and run.
It sucks. I'm in your position and I'm 41. I only have my kids half the time and I am so lonely when I don't have them. Everyone I know has their kids all the time, and has a husband/partner.
Just wanted to say there are lots of people around who are lonely - you're not alone. xxx

I promise you that the loneliness doesn't last long. Sooner or later it will turn into satisfaction that you've finally put yourself and your needs first. Sitting and enjoying a coffee in the morning sun on a weekend outside with no interruptions, priceless NOT lonely.

Get a pet, join classes, make a travel list and do it. Honestly, the right person will come along when you've found the real you, and not until.

Try and rewire your thinking around the time you have with yourself, it's incredible, and can be incredibly indulgent if you want it to. As someone who was in exactly your position at 30, and now at 40 married to my dream man, with a beautiful little girl, it will work out ok, although what I wouldn't do for a lay in like I used to have.... Sigh!

You have achieved so much for yourself - well done! It can be so difficult to be courageous enough to leave a relationship that isn't working.Don't dwell on rushing into finding another,do your own thing,travel,volunteer and just generally revel in being your own person.Have fun!