Struggling..

[Danrio]

Hi so first time here slightly nervous..
Long story short my partner was in a very serious car crash the night after I found out I was pregnant. He lost his best friend and sustained extremely serious injuries. Once recovered he went out ALOT. I figured he needed to do what helped him feel better so I was alone most of the pregnancy. Every one said things would be better when the baby arrived. They are not.
She's 4 months old now and he still goes out every week but when he goes out doesn't return home and he thinks this is acceptable. I've had to go back to work whilst he's off sick but still do all the night feeds and am the main carer for our little girl. I finished with him last week after taking him back numerous times and all I have received is hate messages telling me how much he hates me and he has lost everything ie the house and his daughter because of me. He has nothing. He's calmed down now but doesn't care at all now and is back down the pub. All my friends have their own lives my best friend has moved over an hour away I feel very low and alone and I'm struggling to cope. Not with the baby but with the whole situation. With the loneliness. I work all day I have the baby soon as I finish work then sort her in the night and back to work in the morning. I really don't see how things will improve or know what to do for the best...
Sorry for the huge long message just wanted to thoroughly explain.
I dont know what to do anymore.

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. I can totally see why you're so fed up.

Is there any way you could adjust your working hours to make life easier? Flexible working or something? If you have to work full time, working all the hours over four days rather than five? Then you get an extra day off? That you could maybe use to be with your baby and engage in local groups etc so you can make friends nearby? Maybe they won't be the best of friends, but having people going through similar things at different stages with their babies will be helpful and give you some support? Plus you could make genuine friendships?

Could you reduce your hours? Maybe check what you'd be entitled to if you did?

If work can't give, could you speak to your best friend? Ask if she could make time to visit once every couple of weeks, explain how lovely you feel? I'd certainly do that for any of my close friends. It'd give you something to look forward to? That's what good friends are for - through thick and thin! Or could you go stay with her overnight occasional weekends and have her help with your little one? Break up the cycle a bit?

What I can say is that I remember thinking with my first baby that this was it, this was life now, me and my baby and feeling isolated and alone. And then in no time they're a bit bigger, they're weaning and suddenly it's a bit easier to get out and about and that opens life up a bit. Then in no time they're bigger still and more opportunities to get out open up as they enjoy soft play more etc. Life will get easier and you won't feel so stuck in the cycle. I hate the old time is a healer phrase as I'm impatient but it will heal and life WILL get easier.

I moved away from being near my parents when mine were very young so I used to trail back every weekend. Then suddenly I realised (not log after) that actually, I was ok on my own (I am married but husband worked long hours at the time). Reach out to friends, even if they are far away, ask for help in the interim while you get through the emotional stuff and process. Best of luck.

How *lonely you feel!

I'm so sorry to hear that. What was he like before the accident? Do you think he could be suffering from ptsd?

Hi thankyou so much for the advice...
Some really good suggestions and advice and I'm going to have a think and decide which to do. It also really helped just to hear some one say they have felt like this too.
In response to musti
Yes he was diagnosed with PTSD and depression he's on tablets and had CBT counselling it's worked a little but he's still going out every week and really not that interested in me or our daughter that much. I truly feel he's just not ready to grow up yet.

I feel your instinct is correct. He’s immature and selfish and a poor partner and father. Whatever has or has not caused that to be the case, it is still the case and the reality of that is it’s a shitfest for you and not how you want to or should live. if he won’t even own his own behaviour and seeks to blame you for not tolerating his shit, then you’re on a hiding to nothing with this one...and I think you know that already.

I would spare yourself heartache and end the relationship properly, grieve for what should have been

Being a single parent is really tough and the daily grind wearing. Be proactive about spending your weekends with friends and family.

Again thanks for replying it really does help to hear people's advice. None of my friends have children either so it's even harder for them to relate.
I think I do know deep down that it won't get any better I've given it a year since I found out I was pregnant for him to grow up and stop going out all the time and being selfish and I have literally lost count of the times he has done it apologised then dies it again only last month did he say he was truly sorry that he realised his behaviour and is immature and selfish he hasn't been putting me or the baby 1st and he's wrong in going out all the time and not coming home that he will prove he means what he says as he knows I wont believe him because he's promised me the world more than once. And then still continues to behaviour the same way but even worse deny all wring doing blame me And he even gets nasty telling me all the time no one likes me, I have no friends and no one who cares about me, tells me he hates me and he wishes he didn't meet me that I've ruined his life etc. I guess i know the solution is I deserve better and to move on its just hard to let go of that "dream" of being a family and accepting I'm going to be on my own with a baby. My world just seems so small and feels like it will never get better and I'll be on my own forever. (A little dramatic I know).

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound so much smarter and more mature than your child's father.

I think you're coming to the right, but painful, conclusion that he is not going to step up. What's even more worrying is that he's trying to pin it on you. That's nasty and potentially very damaging for you and your child. Don't put up with that, get away from that kind of toxicity and surround yourself with people who like and respect you, you'll slowly find them.

I stayed as it was very subtle undermining and lots of clever lies in my case, but 15 years later I was a shell. Don't put yourself in danger of that. You are definitely a good person putting your child first, even ahead of a relationship you had high hopes for. You and your child deserve more