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Original poster

History of dating unsuitable men. Help me out with this one - would you keep seeing him?

26 replies

whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 20:39

So as not to drip feed - i've not had the most stable of relationships in the past. couple of emotional abusers and generally emotionally unavailable men. ive always wanted a husband and a family, it is important to me. if i am honest i have become used to drama filled highs and lows filled with masses of lust at the very beginning.

im now dating a lovely chap. he ticks all of the boxes for "potential long term" - great job, very settled, happy with his life, close to his family, available and willing to put in the effort. we met online so the dates felt a bit staged at first. it took me a good few dates to kiss him the kiss was great. it took me even longer to have sex, first time last week - it was great.

weve been seeing each other for the last 2 months. i love talking with him, hes good fun and it is all very calm and nice, he doesnt play games and it is clear he wants things to move forward with us.

BUT, im not sure i fancy him. i mean, i enjoy sex with him, i like being with him, but he is not my typical type physically and couple that with the fact that theres no huge lust (we've just gradually got to know each other), it sort of feels a bit too easy.

i look forward to talking to him but im not utterly crazy about him. my stomach doesnt flip before we meet. i enjoyed sex but i dont think of his body all the time. the best way to sum it up is that it feels very very calm and soft and steady.

i am 35 this year and i dont want to waste time. given that i have a history of dating unsuitable men, i dont want to turn my back on something that actually has a good foundation but i just dont recognise it! should i continue seeing this man? i think i would actually miss him, but at the same time it is not filled with fireworks and excitement like the start of my past relationships.

grateful for any advice :)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2018 20:43

The lust and butterflies are very fleeting in most relationships and they are the things of daft romance movies. Trust, respect, and emotional connection are what you should be searching for. Seems to me you've been lucky enough to find them.

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 20:45

thanks aqua

i do know people who say they had butterflies from day one and that worries me!

also feel a bit guilty i dont properly fancy him. not fully yet anyway. an that develop?

OP posts:
JK1773 · 12/10/2018 20:45

This man sounds nice. Only you know if you could see a future with him. Just don’t string him along if your hearts not in it

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 20:46

*can

OP posts:
tararabumdeay · 12/10/2018 20:47

No need to make a life changing decision 2 months in. Ten years down the line the bad boys you lusted after will be washed up, divorced and still bad.

Twenty years later they'll be needing you as their carer when their bad boy ways have caught up either mentally or physically.

Bad boys don't want commitment; you'll spend years of your life being disappointed waiting for it.

Give this good guy a chance but don't lead him on.

DragonGoby · 12/10/2018 20:48

I think you were addicted to the rollercoaster and you feel like something is missing this time. If you had great sex with him then you do fancy him in my book! Is it possible you’re looking for problems that aren’t there?

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 20:49

will the fancying part develop?

there is something there - i wouldnt have had sex otherwise. but in the past it has been far more obvious to me at the start.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 20:51

dragon it is definitely possible i am looking for problems.

i think actually i am a little scared of commitment.

i agree i must fancy him if we had sex. it just feels less full of lust. i think im almost scared because it feels real. no games just real.

i dont look at him and think "OMG I WANT YOU" though...is that bad?

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 12/10/2018 20:54

I still have butterflies when my DH touches me after years and years so it's not true it always fades...BUT it was a slow burn and was about 5 months before the limerance and I WANT YOU started.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2018 21:03

I think you need to stop prematurely sabotaging yourself. Things seem to be going brilliantly, and passion can most certainly develop over time. Stop over-thinking and enjoy getting to know him.

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 21:04

haireverywhere what made you keep seeing him?

I’m used to the ‘I need to have you now’ feelings. Obviously it’s not worked out in ye past though!

I think this guy is very into this, whereas I am still taking it day by day

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 12/10/2018 21:10

He was a lovely, kind, fun, reliable, consistent, no game playing, genuine guy. The sparks took a LONG time to come because I was scared I think, (used to losers who played me) but they are still there for me almost 20 years on.

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 21:16

What made the proper spark appear do you think?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 12/10/2018 21:18

Hmm. I had a situation once where I was not physically attracted to a guy even though we really clicked on our shared likes, outlook etc.

On paper, on the surface of it, he ticked every box. Career on track, potential high earner, dressed well, we had the same taste in music, films, TV.

I stuck with it for 7 years even though I never had that physical urge to fuck him. He ended up fucking other women multiple times (not surprising since we weren't having sex) and to boot he was a cross dresser, a functional alcoholic, and frequently wet the bed due to passing out drunk.

Never ever make it serious with someone who can't help you orgasm.

Novasglow · 12/10/2018 21:18

I totally get it. I was in exactly the same situation. Knew it would lead to marriage and more babies, basically what I'd always dreamed of. But I didn't fancy him. I broke it off. From time to time I still think what if.
But then I know deep down, I couldn't settle.

psicat · 12/10/2018 21:19

Im with @Haireverywhere, my ex was fireworks but also storms, arguments, ups and downs, him cheating, gaslighting you name it. I also had another guy I had a mad crush on, for years. He led up and down the garden path until I suddenly had a realisation this was never going to happen, he enjoyed stringing me along.
Got with my DH, intended as a fling, he was a nice guy and I didn't expect it to go anywhere. I liked him a lot but no fireworks. But we've been together 20 years now, I couldn't actually think what it would be like without him. Sex was/is great but he is a rubbish kisser, always has been and apparently always will be! But I wouldn't swap him for a great kisser with a load of drama

Haireverywhere · 12/10/2018 21:21

It just developed as I dropped my guard and realised he was serious about a relationship. Once I relaxed and let my walls down, we really got to know each other then we wanted to pounce on each other!

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 12/10/2018 21:25

Awh thanks for these posts! I haven’t properly let my guard down yet. To be honest I’ve got my boundaries way up high after some pretty nasty relationships.

Maybe I need to let him in a little more emotionally

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 12/10/2018 21:27

Go for it. He sounds lovely.

Original poster
whatiffurniturebarked · 13/10/2018 10:38

Thanks for the posts. He is lovely.

Just worried about the absence of the big spark everyone talks about!!

OP posts:
DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 13/10/2018 10:57

I was friends with my now DH for 15 years before I suddenly started fancying him Grin

I just saw him in a different light one night and then never looked back.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/10/2018 14:23

I always think is a really nice sentiment.

I hope it works out for you. Drama is over-rated - it makes it all fascinating and absorbing to start with, but when you've got a couple of small kids you want to know your partner will be home reliably every night and won't have spent the mortgage money on drugs or buying underwear for another woman.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/10/2018 14:24

NotTheFordType, it sounds as thought there were one or two more issues than lack of orgasm Confused

NeverTalksToStrangers · 13/10/2018 14:38

I'm married to a good-looking, decent bloke. The night I met him I was so not interested because he was wearing something stupid (as a dare) and I only gave him my number because he was so nice and not at all sleazy. Never expected it to go anywhere. Took me about 2 months to realise how good looking he was (I had him pegged as not-ugly because of how he looked when we met). I dumped him about 6 months in because i had it in my head that it was never going to work. I loved him but just thought we were too different. It was only when i spoke to my mum about it that I realised I had made a huge mistake and begged him to forgive me.

For me, the lust part increased the more I knew him. He was a nice country boy but some of the sexts were shocking.BlushGrin

He does my head in sometimes but he puts up with a lot of my shit and still makes me a cup of tea every evening. 15 years later.

Roussette · 13/10/2018 15:04

Forget the big spark is my view. I've had the big spark and it just ended in heartache. How you talked about him is probably if I were honest how I viewed my DH when we were dating. It was solid and real but it didn't take my breath away. How long does that intoxicating feeling last anyway?

We are now 33 years down the line married and I thank my lucky stars I gave up on the big spark and went for respect, mutual goals and views, etc... he's just a thoroughly decent bloke.

I've done the lust, the breathtaking excitement, the yearning, the madness. Whilst it's a rollercoaster of fun, it has also ended in heartache, nightmares, stalking, nastiness. Give me solid and reliable any day.

p.s. we aren't boring!