How do small disagreements escalate so quickly?

[OnceUponATimeInAmerica]

Am currently sitting by a cold dark football pitch while DS8 has training, wondering whether my H will even be there when I get home.

He got in from work, walked into the kitchen where DS8 and DS13 were eating their evening meal. DS13 had cooked it, first time he has done this. H did not know DS had cooked. DS13 offered him some of his. H snapped at him that he didn't want leftovers and told him to hurry up and eat. I was in the next room, working. H came in there and, still sounding grumpy, asked if I wanted him to bring DS8 to footie. I sighed (because I was now distracted from my thought process), got up and said I would take him. I tried to explain to him about DS13 having cooked, and all he had to was try it, and asked why he was being snappy. He denied that he was.

H goes upstairs, comes back a few minutes later. He has now got his 'nice' voice on, starts speaking in this awful fake soft tone, asking why I had accused him of ranting and raving (I didn't), claimed DS13 was only trying to get rid of the food because he didn't like it. I explained again that DS13 was proud of having cooked, and wanted to share, all he needed to do was try it, just DS13 hadn't explained properly, that from the other room H had sounded disgusted by the idea. Somehow, it ends up with H saying, 'well if that's how you feel, I'll just go'. I responded 'that's your choice, I'll see you if you're still here when I get back' and brought DS8 to footie.

It is not the first time he has made this type of threat (maybe 5 times in 15 years) over something trivial. I am sure it is meant to be about getting me in line, not arguing back when I think he is being unreasonable, as I then spend months tiptoeing round, avoiding ever disagreeing. I am just not sure how many more times I can put up with it, but I don't want to end my marriage over it, the impact for the kids would be horrendous, in terms of having to move school etc.

He honestly is not an abusive arsehole. We have a very fair financial set up, he is engaged with the kids, does a lot of activities with them. If he hasn't packed a bag, he will be cleaning the house right now etc. He just has this flaw where if we have a minor disagreement, he goes to the extreme.

Not sure what I want from this thread, other than to get it off my chest.

A small argument escalates because there is either a wider context and/ or because we are all just human when it comes to dispute resolution.

He came home in a grump, presumably he had a bad day. Perhaps there were stressors at work. After than everything irritated him and eventually he had enough going for the drama llama response.

Like most people would have done, you got sucked into the argument and kept it going. Not saying you messed up, I would probably have done the same thing. Ideally you could have recognised he was in mood and asked why rather than reacting (if you are a saint !)There wasn't really a dispute or argument here, just a mood and a reaction to the mood. Then there was an argument. Find out what caused the mood. Don't expect a man to admit to having a mood so ask about manly stress...

In all likelihood he has a bigger problem which was stressing him so ask about it and give comfort. Then explain it's not nice to be told he is leaving and he needs to speak to DS13.

Because for some reason he has got the idea that going to extremes is the way to express his feelings

When you're in a calm place I'd suggest he gets some help for his 'catastrophising'

Maybe he's seen the behaviour modelled before - it sounds like he can't resolve conflict fruitfully. Loads of people can't, they need to work out why.

Is DS13 his son?

I'd say allowing him to damage your DSs is far more horrendous than moving schools.

DS13 will remember the feeling of rejection by a parent for a long time. It's deeply wounding to a child. H should be apologising to DS13 for his attitude and making it extremely sincere.

If he didn't apologise he'd be history to me.

If he did apologise I'd be looking at relationship counselling to find better ways to communicate.

He is now upstairs being model dad, reading to DS8, having cleaned the whole house while I was out, as I had suspected he would. DS13 is happily playing on his Xbox with a pal, seems unbothered, but he and H may have chatted while I was out.

I did try to ask why H was being snappy. And got snapped at that he wasn't! He has had a busy week with work, was away for a couple of nights, was planning a short day working from home today, but then had to go to the office and couldn't get away. So, I strongly suspect tiredness, but we shouldn't have to be on the receiving end.

DS13 has additonal learning needs and is in a small, independent school that gives him the support he needs. If we split, we can't afford the fees and two homes and I genuinely believe he would really struggle to adjust and would sink in a large school. So, we have to find a way past this.

Why are you thinking of splitting? I realise that it was a nasty exchange but originally you described it as a minor disagreement that escalated quickly to his threat to leave. I assumed it was isolated, despite previous history of him going OTT on a few other occasions.

Are there wider problems in the marriage ? Maybe you both could do with some counselling. It might help to stop escalation and sort out underlying issues if there are any.

Do you have other concerns about him and the relationship?

Your first interaction with him was to sigh.

Your second was to ask why he was so snappy.

Asking why someone is snappy is about as inflammatory as asking someone to calm down!

There’s a way to word things and that isn’t it. If DH or I are in a bad mood, the other person spots it, gives a smile, a hug or a hand squeeze and asks them if they want a drink then asks about their day. We don’t ask why they are snappy!

Every time he has done this, I then spend months on eggshells, wondering if he meant it, feeling like am on some kind of probation. I find it extremely emotionally damaging and stressful. I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to live with the threat that he is going to walk out over a petty disagreement hanging over me.

It sounds as if your default setting is now to be unkind and thoughtless with each other. I bet he’s as fed up as you are.

Would it be worth having a chat one evening and saying that you think it’s possible to do things differently so you’re both kinder and more caring of one another as things aren’t as good as they could be.

DH can be grumpy when he comes in from work, especially if he hasn't had a good day. I think there's some male thing about coming into a warm, brightly-lit home where everyone else seems to be happy, busy, relaxed and being hungry and wanting attention!
It's what I call DH's '1950s husband syndrome' - he wants to come in and have a meal on the table and his slippers warmed for him . He knows it's unreasonable to expect it, but it doesn't stop him from being grumpy and doing the sighing about how he is 'sooo tired..' and has had 'suuuch a long day.'