please help my poor dh!

[lavender1]

he is so upset (and doesn't know am posting about this, but have nmever seen him so sad)

Any idea why?

why is he upset?

do you want to talk about it?

what's it all about lavender1? It this something new?

my original post has gone, but in a nutshell his 21 year old daughter who is living in Aussie with her mother(dh's ex-wife) can't get her around the fact that he is her father and wants to keep it the way it was before they met(he hasn't seen her since she was 3, she is now 21 1/2) she sent him an e-mail saying this was the end of their relationship....well he is devastated, despite the picture I have painted of dh he is a normal very caring human being and this is destroying him....how a daughter could do this to her own father is beyond me.....bearing in mind he has no real mother , father or siblings...please don't say he has to just deal with it because unless you've been in this situation before you have no idea of what it fees like....btw it's no pint saying e-mail her as she is very adamant...and e-amiliong is so impersonal when you have a major thing to talk about!

sorry about spelling mistakes !!

So sorry lavender1
There isn't much you can do in this situation except be there for him.
My Dad had a similar situation with his Dad (my grandfather obviously!) He didn't want to know my Dad, and we have only recently found out my Dad has a Brother and Sister.
It is soul destroying watching someone you love going through so much pain, and you feel like you can't help.

Sorry to hear this Lavender - My husband is in similar situation with 22 yr-old but the other way round. Because he didn't get to see her for so many years he finds it difficult to bond, esp as he has a new family now. When she phones its always with some problem or other. Having not known her for so many yrs its easier just to forget about her - sounds cruel I know.
I can only suggest sending Birthday/Christmas cards to try to stay in touch with letters attached and hope she'll come round

V sad lavender - no advice or experience, but thinking of you and your dh.{{{o}}}

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thanks guys:)

yes Mosschops because her mother took her out of the country when she was 5 and she remarried twice and he had no idea where they went...his ex-wife promised to send regular pictures etc but didn't keep her promise (his ex-wife has actually had a baby by her sister's husband and the husband is now living with dh's ex-wife and dh's daughter lived very near by)...this gives you an idea of the sort of person she is..

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that's a long time, but guess it happens...yes the ex has said lots which I wont go into on here but she has lied about of things to the dd, so poor dh has no chance...when his dd came to stay with us 3 years ago she said she'll always believe her mother and she's the one that brought her up....poor dh has no chance when she wont even believe that what he says is true....and he doesn't want to talk about this with anyone which is why I'm on her because I wondered if anyone has any experience of this...put it this was his dd didn't even know why they broke up and it was his ex's fault btw!! ....do you think you'll ever see your father again (hope you don't think I'm being nosey because not really, it's just such a long time not to see someone)...you don't have to answer that, just interested that's all.

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thanks mosschops, not feeling down at all btw..I think dh feels a bit funny though but not down, thanks lavxxx

I have some personal experience.
i have a father who has never been interested in knowing me. If he suddenly turned up out the blue I would be very suspicous. Your DHs DD might feel the same way.
I am not interested in why my mother and he broke up, even if he cared to tell me, my loyalty would always be with my mother.( who passed away a long time). I live with some hope that one day we might know each other, however another part of me just accepts that there is just too much water under the bridge.

I don't think your dh having a go at his ex is a particularly well-advised method for building bridges with his daughter, however tempting it may be. Obviously her loyalties will be, quite rightly, to the parent who brought her up and looked after her every day. Even if the split wasn't dh's fault. And tbh, you only know his side of the story... it's very rarely a case of one evil parent/one perfect parent. People re-write history. (25 years after they got divorced, my father is now convinced that 'your mother and I have always been friends'. Yeah, right. )

Sorry it's so upsetting for your dh, but I think he just has to wait and hope that one day she'll want to get to know him a little more. You said 'how a daughter can do this to her father is beyond me' but from what you said, they haven't actually had a father-daughter relationship, very sadly. And she's probably angry that he wasn't there for her (even though from his point of view, he tried, that doesn't mean you can conjure up a relationship from scratch years later). Afraid any approach has to come from her. All he can do is let her know that he did love her, tried to find her and would be very happy if she ever does want to make contact.
Very sad all round.

i've been in the dd's position if that helps.

my dad never saw us when we were kids. dunno when he left, i have no memory of him, so must've been pretty young.

he made contact via an aunt and wanted to meet. (a few years ago, I must've been mid twenties) I went along more out of curiosity to see what he looked like, what he was like as a person etc.

tbh I thought he was a bit pathetic, but the bottom line was, to me he was just some bloke. I felt nothing for him, felt no animosity or warmth or anything. So I decided not to persue it. i said I'd be willing to keep in touch - birthday/christmas/ occasional letters, but he didn't want this so it came to nothing. I don't think it was a big rejection on my part. I suppose I felt guilty that I hurt his feelings, but I couldn't pretend to him or to me to feel something I didn't.

maybe when she's older she may come round but I think it's hard to feel anything more than ambivalence towards someone who's never been there, for whatever reason.