Help please

[changingagainagain]

I posted a while ago about my situation as I was desperate for advice/opinions. I'm a fairly regular lurker/occasional poster but obviously not enough to know that reverse threads aren't allowed - I posted before as a reverse because I thought that would help me get honest opinions. Anyway this was deleted and if anyone remembers it I apologise for being misleading. I have name changed from my regular name to stop myself being identifiable as it is quite a unique situation (some details are also slightly changed for the same reason).

Anyway. I have three teenage daughters and we are having big issues with their stepdad. He picks on them massively and is making their home life miserable. It is something that has increased over the last year or two, and even more so in the last 6 months since I had another baby, with him. He has officially been step dad to my older girls for 4 years (although we've been together for 8). He basically has no idea how to parent teenagers and has very unrealistic expectations of them. I'm not saying I'm perfect or know exactly what I'm doing but he constantly criticises them, speaks to them gruffly and upsets them. I've spoken to him calmly, got cross with him, argued their corner so many times and nothing is changing. I've told him our marriage isn't going to work if things don't seriously change but he doesn't want to leave because of our baby. And logistically has nowhere to go.

Latest development is that the girls have spoken to at school about how unhappy they are and I've been called in to see someone this afternoon.

I don't know how to go about fixing this.

parenting classes for him at your local Children's Centre? If he cares about being a family with you, he will do anything to make it better. Teens are challenging, esp if they aren't his own as the dynamic is different. I was a bloody awful teen to my stepdad. But he need to learn how to deal with them. He is the adult. Use ultimatum if you have to. Your DDs come before him.

You all need some help.

Counselling sessions. Alone and together

Your children must come first

Thanks for your replies. My DDs do and always will come first. I guess counselling is something to look into, just don't know how he will react when he thinks his behaviour towards them is validated by theirs.

The school are going to put a referral in to social services.

You've got a baby with this man, but you've got 3 kids who aren't his. Your children (all of them) should be your priority above anyone else. You say you've told him about the way he is with your 3 kids, and he hasn't changed. Your children are unhappy at home and apparently are now not well at school.

The answer is simple - tell him he must go. It isn't your problem about where he will live. He's a grown man, and he can sort himself out. Your children need you.

My children really are my priority - I was just saying what he has given as one of the reasons that he won't leave. He's very good at painting himself to be the victim when all I see is that my older children are the ones suffering. I've had a brief look into my rights and it seems I can't actually make him leave?

Maybe I should have posted in a different topic - posted in chat for traffic but it's just got lost...

Counselling and parent classes.

If he isn't willing to make changes, he has to go. Your kids deserve better than this.

OP you can report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it to Relationships. You'll get some good feedback there

Thanks Bundy, I've done that just now.

Thanks Inthetropics. I'm going to look into counselling and parenting classes and then suggest to him. Yes they really do.

Bumping in the hope of more opinions.

Is there anything good about his relationship with them?

What's your house situation? Rented or on a mortgage? Who was there first?

Are you married? What's the house situation? Yours or his? Equal ownership/tenancy?
Have you seen a solicitor about your rights regarding the home?

How is he towards you? Does he criticise you too?

I don't feel like there's anything good about his relationship with them anymore, no.

We are married and own the house but I own a much larger share (tenants in common).

He can be quite critical and bossy towards me too, although he denies this (it's something I have challenged him on).

I haven't seen a solicitor yet, no. It's really the last couple of weeks and late this week that it has really hit me that things aren't ever going to change.

Hi changingagainagain, your situation is one I was in 4 yrs ago. My ex had been step dad to ds since he was 2yrs old (so 17yrs at that time). We were married and had an 11 yr old daughter together. In hindsight the bullying towards my son had been going on under the guise of him "helping me parent a strong minded teenager" for years and years. One day it all came to a head and I suddenly realised what a bully my ex had been towards my ds, I told him to leave (rented house my name only due to ex bankruptcy). The impact on my ds and dd was huge! BUT in such a good way!! They became happier, closer to each other and I saw them bond as siblings for the 1st time. I see now what a destructive and cruel man my ex was (Not meaning to bad mouth your hubby- just my ex).

It's tough as a single mum, but seeing how much happier both my kids are is unbelievable.

Not sure if this will help you, just felt I wanted to offer support from someone who's got thru a similar situation x

All I can say is never, ever pick a man over your children. Never. My cousin did this and her relationship with her three DC from her first marriage was damaged irreparably. She had all 'good reasons' why she stayed with her 2nd husband, but those reasons weren't good enough for her three eldest.

For what it's worth my DH had trouble parenting our sons when they became teens. It was some sort of 'old lion, young lion, King of the Pride' thing. But I put my foot down and told him it was counseling or hit the bricks. He knew I meant it and he chose counseling. It saved our marriage AND his relationship with our sons.