Does my partner have autism?

[Insightfulusername]

Hi everyone,

First time on here and only really made an account to post as came across some useful threads from googling (I am not even a parent - hope that’s allowed!!)

I wanted a bit of advice as to whether it sounds like my DP (1.5 years) has ASD. Looking to hear from others who do have partners/husbands with ASD or who have similar situations.

List of traits which worry me a bit and that are quite difficult to live with sometimes (bear with me - this is long but felt very cathartic!!)

• Obsession with certain sport hobby and buying things for it (more expensive/best rated the better.

• obsessed with buying things in general - loves shopping and buying new clothes etc but hardly wears them when has them and hates spending money on things that don’t seem as exciting I.e food and public transport etc.

• very messy in normal life (his house when we first met was a total mess/hoarder type situation) but with his ‘things’ is obsessively careful about how to wash, store, care for them and not mess them up.

• rituals about leaving house, ensuring doors locked 3 times etc due to amount of expensive things he has collected!

• finds it hard to throw anything away

• will spend hours watching videos on same topic/hobby

• will be so engrossed in a game, tv etc will forget to eat or contact anyone

• vehemently against doing anything he isn’t really interested in e.g flat out refuse to watch certain films, go to museum etc.

• no facial expression when meets people (looks like rabbit in headlights) but does smile when joking etc/with me

• tries very hard to make jokes/be funny in social situations but often awkwardly

• clings on to me in social situations and will direct comments and talk at me rather than those he doesn’t know when in a group

• worries for ages he has upset someone or offended someone

• does not really ask questions of others

On the positive side we have a very strong bond, he is very physically affectionate, prioritises trying to make me happy, hates me being upset and worries for ages if I am upset because of something he said/did and talks a lot about our future together/imagining our house etc.

He also has a very well paid and well respected job where he gets good feedback.

Any thoughts from anyone with similar? I have asked him and his mother whether he has ever been assessed and both have said no - he says no one has ever mentioned it...

Not even sure where to start!

Hi op

I have a dh and dd with high functioning autism, what you find is its very difficult to put one neat label in them

Although they have asd they also have anxiety, add some obsessive compulsive features which the psych feels can be related to the two main disorders

He’s certainly got some potential red flags which if he wants to he could explore

There are some online tests you can google which give you a free score predicting the likely hood of having asd

Ultimately you and your partner need to decide if and why you want to know. It sounds like you’re very supportive and reasonably happy with the current status quo

If not there are some support groups and literature around for people who are in a relationship with a person with asd

Thanks Schroedinger - that’s really helpful. When was DH diagnosed out of interest?
My DP has never had a serious relationship before me and does not have a good relationship with his family so I worry no one has ever been in a position or bothered to look into it and his anxieties will get worse.

I also in the back of my mind think about what happens if we have children in the future - how is DH with yours? I worry as he is quite in his own world/thinks about himself a lot and struggles with not being able to do EXACTLY what he wants he would struggle!?

He could be, the traits you mention might be indicators... but it sounds as if he isn't especially interested in getting assessed and is happy enough with things as they are. As it's his "thing" (if it is indeed a thing at all) you have to respect how he feels about it - if he doesn't want to explore it any further, that's his prerogative. I would be very wary of trying to "diagnose" him yourself and treating him as a set of symptoms that needs to be approached in a particular way.

Instead of thinking of him as a person who might have ASD and tailoring your interactions with him around that, I would just look at him as "my partner who has these personality traits and this is how we get along together". He obviously has his coping strategies in place and is managing to earn a living and have a relationship, so it doesn't sound like there's a problem.

Do bear in mind that formal diagnosis is pretty difficult to access for adults these days, and the clinical team will normally want to interview his parents too to establish whether ASD traits have been present since birth. It can be a very emotionally difficult process and some people prefer not to undergo it even if they think there's a good chance they will get a diagnosis.

Thanks Grace and very good points. When I carefully raised it he said he had never thought about it before and no one had ever mentioned it. He obviously functions well in his career and we have a good relationship but socially people do often find him quite odd and my family have struggled with some of his behaviour/seeming selfish and so I suppose a diagnosis would help me to explain somewhat that it isn’t his fault and he isn’t just being unfriendly/horrible - maybe that is very naive and bad way to think!! On a one to one asks we have a great time together (bicker a bit about the things listed but nothing terrible) but in a new social situation it can be difficult and now i’ve noticed these things I can’t ‘unsee’.

My dh has high functioning autism, recently
diagnosed overseas.

He lives by lists, can't do a single thing until he has written it on a list, and is easily overwhelmed, cannot do things one at a time.

He can be over generous, eg with gifts and tips, and cannot see when it is inappropriate.

Cannot empathise with how other people feel, and can be very selfish, only thinks about himself.

He gets obsessed with certain tv shows and won't watch anything else until he watched all episodes. There are FIVE season of Ice Road Truckers - FIVE!!!

Sorry, he is socially awkward as well, hates social events he feels Forced into

Thanks BookWitch - this all sounds scarily similar. Although my DP is the opposite in terms of generosity as if he doesn’t think it’s necessary (e.g I don’t need him to pay for my coffee when we go out so why should he?) - I do feel that this all could be linked to his difficulty in seeing how other people see things (he wouldn’t realise that it’s just NICE to treat people sometimes!)

But then with Xmas presents he will want to get me the absolute best of the ‘type’ of gift with best reviews etc - he also hates having surprises at Xmas so will literally tell me exactly what he wants!

Sounds similar re he just doesn't think what other people might like with the tv. He puts on why he wants, he just never thinks to say " what do you fancy watching" ?

a diagnosis would help me to explain somewhat that it isn’t his fault and he isn’t just being unfriendly/horrible

I completely understand what you mean, but with respect, a diagnosis should really be for the benefit of the person it concerns, not for others to explain their behaviour better. Think of it this way - if went through the diagnosis process and didn't get one, where would it leave your relationship? Would his personality traits suddenly become less acceptable to you because they weren't because of ASD?

I totally get the need to have an explanation for things that you find difficult to understand in a partner. The thing is, whether he has ASD or not, he is still capable of learning how to do things otherwise if he wants to. Many people on the spectrum (especially women) do a lot of observation of others and learn that way. A diagnosis might clarify things but a lack of one doesn't mean that there's no way forward.

Same - I will be quite relaxed and will watch any tv show/film really so we often end up just watching what he wants! I’ll have something on and he’ll come in and be like ‘oh god what is this?’ - he won’t force me to turn it off or anything but he probably wouldn’t watch it with me!!

Thanks Grace - I probably really didn’t explain that well. My concern is that if he doesn’t recognise he has some difficulties then he will end up being disliked/outcast from social situations (some family members have already made comments) and he would be absolutely devastated as he loves to be involved with everything and hates being left out or not liked - he wouldn’t understand why. I suppose having a diagnosis might make him take things more seriously and realise he could get actual help/coping strategies for certain situations?

It really varies from person to person. Some find a diagnosis a relief because it makes sense of their difficulties and gives them access to more help. Some don't find it helpful because they feel like their whole life has been a lie and they're not who they thought they were. And of course, for people who don't get the diagnosis they were expecting, they might think "Oh god, does that just mean I'm horrible?" It's really got to be down to him and what he thinks will help him.

Grace - yes you are right. I just wonder how an adult would ever really get to the point of going for an assessment cos it would be all they had ever known. I wonder whether some people get pushed to it due to collapse of a relationship due to their behaviour etc. My DP is happy as he is successful in career, has a relationship, has friends but it’s only when you know him well you realise how strange some of the behaviour is and I just support him as best I can and love him for who he is - but that means he doesn’t realise how difficult he can be to engage with and live with.

I've worked in this field, so I've seen a variety of reasons why people seek diagnosis in adulthood.

Some were confirming long-held suspicions that they'd never investigated before but wanted something firm so they could ask for reasonable adjustments at work.

Some had a lot of emotional issues and were looking for an easy answer that would explain it all away - unfortunately they were often the ones who didn't get a diagnosis and were left no better off at the end of it.

And some were obviously there at the behest of a spouse or relative who wanted them to be "fixed". You could see they didn't really want to be there but equally they were afraid that they would be abandoned if they didn't go along with it. I can see you're not one of those partners but at the same time, your OH might feel like this is what you want him to do.

Just as a thought, there is nothing to stop either you or him going on the NAS website and checking out the resources for people with ASD and their families. You can still make use of the coping strategies for the relevant behaviours even without a diagnosis.

Thanks Grace - that is very insightful. You are right that if he did get ‘help’ it would mostly be because he thinks I want him to (and he always wants to make me happy) - that wouldn’t be fair on him. I will check out the NAS website etc as that’s a great idea - would be good to see if there’s any strategies I could subtly use to help him.