Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Colleague fancies DP

33 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 12:05

One of Dp's colleagues has made it really clear she fancies him - he is very decent and I have no worries at all that anything will happen- we are recently engaged and all going really well. He's told me everything- it's fairly low key at the moment- but my senses are definitely tingling. How do I cope/ shrug it off? Anyone got any strategies?
(spoken to MIL about it- she's had it too as DP and his Dad are peas in a pod, lovely, decent men)

OP posts:
iLoveSpaDays · 12/10/2018 12:10

Just shrug it off, she'll be jealous of you. You have it all Grin

PikaPikaTink · 12/10/2018 12:15

I think you just need to remind yourself that he's with you and it's not within his control unless he's been flirting and leading her on which it doesn't sound like it.

If she is telling him she fancies him at work then it's inappropriate and do could approach hr if he feels uncomfortable.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 12:17

Yes, definitely no flirting or leading her on- and he talks about me and will not have a problem with being clear if she is more direct- OK, got to just get on and shrug it off. Annoying though!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/10/2018 12:18

what exactly did He tell you OP ... I'm curious as to how these conversations unfold.... Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/10/2018 12:20

Has he been very clear that he’s not interested and is he limiting contact with her?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 12:27

Well we talk about everything, and he was explaining a new team that he is working with, we were talking about them (I oddly know one of the men on the team through my sister) and he said ' XXX is a bit overfriendly- think she might like me, it's a bit awkward'
Yes, he's really clear he's not interested- I am on a work meal with them next week and he talks about me a lot- I have met his other colleagues many times so they know we are solid.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/10/2018 12:36

then I'm sure it'll be fine OP Flowers

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 12:39

I'm sure it will- it is just a bit eeeek

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 12/10/2018 12:42

Being attracted to someone doesn't mean you have to act on it. I don't see the problem. I also don't see why she'd be jealous of you, why would she even give you a thought.

cakecakecheese · 12/10/2018 12:42

What would he do if it was your colleague who fancied you? As he sounds like a decent sort he'd probably trust you to deal with it...

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 12:45

I also don't see why she'd be jealous of you, why would she even give you a thought.

I don't think she is jealous?

As he sounds like a decent sort he'd probably trust you to deal with it...
I trust him to deal with it, I was asking if anyone had the same thing, and how did they find it easy to shrug it off

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 12/10/2018 12:47

Oooh I’d have some fun with this on the meal out...

Changedname3456 · 12/10/2018 13:02

You’ve only got your DP’s interpretation of her behaviour to go on. She may be flirty all the time, or he may just be misreading (what he thinks are) the signs. She might be horrified if she knew he was thinking she was attracted to him.

I’d just treat her like anyone else on his team and leave it at that. You only need to worry if she actually gives him the come-on. If you “have some fun” with it on the meal out then you’ll risk ending up looking a bit of an idiot, IMO.

twiglet · 12/10/2018 13:11

Not a colleague but had one of DHs friends make it quite clear she fancied him and did not like me coming onto the scene or the 5 or so years since!

From flirty behaviour with him to snide comments to me in group situations it was never enough to have a go at her. She was miserable at our wedding and complained to friends about it who told her she was an idiot (found that one out afterwards).

I trust DH 100%, he never encouraged it and generally let most of it wash over and instead comes and holds my hand or gives me a kiss.
I never said anything to her about it, as didn't want to make the group arkward I knew she would never make a move and found it seemed to annoy her more if I didn't react and enjoyed myself.

Internally I wanted to tell her to fffff off but never did. She has kept a very large distance since she found out that I'm pregnant makes excuses not to attend same events we are there so she's naturally gone away.
I did find out from a mutual friend that she was upset that we are having a baby as in her world that meant she had to accept that it was never going to happen with my DH HmmConfused Not sure why the living together, being married having a house didn't give that message.....

At many occasions I could have shouted, told her where to go etc but it would have caused a huge friendship group rift but friends generally told her off for behaviour when I wasn't about.

My tip would be ignore it, know that you have the higher ground of your DP having eyes only for you.

GraceMarks · 12/10/2018 13:31

Some men can be very bad at reading the signs, though... you only have to be vaguely pleasant to them and they think it's a come-on. I wouldn't behave any differently on this meal out to how you normally would. If you go all "back off, bitch" and start pawing at your OH in front of her and she doesn't actually fancy him at all, you'll just look a wee bit odd. Actually, even if she does fancy him, you'll still look a wee bit odd, not to mention mean-spirited. If you trust your DP, then treat it as the non-issue it is.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 13:55

I wouldn't behave any differently on this meal out to how you normally would. If you go all "back off, bitch" and start pawing at your OH in front of her and she doesn't actually fancy him at all, you'll just look a wee bit odd
yup this is not me at all!

If you trust your DP, then treat it as the non-issue it is.
Agreed , was just wondering how others had found it

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 13:56

OMG twiglet

Your Dp sounds like mine-but it is still such a weird thing to deal with (your situation is much worse though obvs)

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 14:01

Some men can be very bad at reading the signs, though... you only have to be vaguely pleasant to them and they think it's a come-on.
Totally understand, but not the case here thankfully

OP posts:
Gorganzolabrie · 12/10/2018 14:11

I'm a bit confused. If you trust your partner why is it an issue?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 14:28

Just a chat to see how others felt about it

OP posts:
twiglet · 12/10/2018 14:34

@Gorganzolabrie I would say from past experience it's not an issue that you have with your partner. It's more an issue that it makes situations uncomfortable and you have an issue with the person doing it because they clearly know that person isn't single yet still decide to behave like that.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 12/10/2018 15:02

Yes, I feel like that as well, it's not a big thing, I know that- I trust him completely but it still rankles. I know it's not enough to do anything about, and even if there were something to be done, it would be DP's responsibility not mine

OP posts:
Gorganzolabrie · 12/10/2018 15:48

Could that be the difficulty? Do you think your DP isn't making it clear that he isn't interested?

LemonTT · 12/10/2018 16:00

I have to say, my thoughts echoed the PP who asked when does this even come up. Then I realised yes, we have had the odd occasion to comment on someone maybe being a bit to friendly or interested. But truth be told it’s a not a second thought thing. A bit of mutual ribbing about the others vanity maybe but general assumption is that we are solid as a couple and in any case too professional to do anything.

Why on earth talk to your MIL and then the mums world in general. That’s peculiar. The only thing I would be worried about is if I got carried away taking the piss out of his vanity in front of her.

Is this a vanity issue, is he a bit full of himself? The MIL reply is weird too, are the men in family cursed by adoring females likes knights of olde ?

SandyY2K · 12/10/2018 18:25

I thought she told him she fancied him. It's just his perception of the situation. Nothing concrete at all.

If she'd for example..asked him for a drink...complimented his looks/clothes regularly or got touchy feely with him ...or said anything direct to indicate her interest it would be clear.