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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

13 year old with 19 year old bf abusive...?!?!

6 replies

SafariMum · 12/10/2018 10:03

I am posting on behalf of a friend.
When she was 13 she was pursued and bought gifts by a 19 year old, who was then 20 whilst she was still 13. He started to become physically affectionate towards her, and told her he was her boyfriend. He went on to do sexual things with her, to which she could not consent. Her family did not know about him and he would meet her in secret at community gatherings. She told friends at school that she had a bf and bf had told her to tell people she had a bf. After a year or so, and after a particularly bad experience with him she distanced and avoided him at all costs. He began stalking her turning up outside her school etc. She did not at the time tell anyone this, and was terrified of this man, also came to realise it is not normal for a man of that age to be interested in a 13 year old.

She reported this 17 years later. She has gone through a long investigation with the police/cps who have said they won't be taking it any further, because in school records they found that she had describe him as a bf so documented that she had an adult bf, which implied consent, and she did not state at the time anything sexual had happened. Obvs she is distraught, feels totally blamed, and let down.

I can't understand how the police can say that, apparently she was told its not against the law for a man to be in love with a child but it is if he was to do anything sexually, but as there is no recorded evidence from the time about sexual activity they won't do anything.

Any thoughts?
Thank you

OP posts:
JessieLemon · 12/10/2018 10:29

I guess the police have to go on evidence. And if there’s no evidence that they had sex, they’re not going to just believe one person’s word over another. They won’t attempt to prosecute someone for something there’s no evidence of them doing. And yes, sexual activity with a minor is illegal, but ‘being in love’, social interaction and so forth isn’t.

The most important angle i’d take with your friend here is that you believe her, and what happened with her and this man doesn’t change just because the police can’t convict him. The events that occurred all those years ago were real, and she needs support for them. Has she had any therapy to help her with all of this? And just because the police can’t convict him doesn’t mean she is not being believed. It can be hard to separate the two matters but it might help validate her feelings if you point out the criminal justice system isn’t personally attacking or judging her, it’s not that people believe it didn’t happen, just that there’s not enough evidence to secure a conviction sadly.

AngelsSins · 12/10/2018 12:00

It’s not illegal for a grown man to be “in love” with a child?! Really? I thought it was called grooming, and was illegal....

I’m not surprised the police aren’t doing anything though, sadly. It wasn’t right what he did, he was a creepy abuser. I would be surprised if his name never came up to the police again.

NotTheFordType · 12/10/2018 12:26

@AngelsSins

Grooming with the intention of sexual activity with a child was made an offense in 2003. At the time OPs friend was groomed, it was not an offense and cannot be backdated.

OP so sorry to hear this, unfortunately the police's response is often lacking in compassion. As PPs said please reassure her that it's not a judgement on whether or not it happened, but simply that they don't think they could get a conviction.

SafariMum · 12/10/2018 12:47

Thank you all for your replies.
She is completely broken, helpful advice from you all.

Just to say the police spoke to him, and he admitted he had a relationship with her but denied it was sexual. I think it's this she can't get her head round, he told them he was so in love with her, it was heart breaking for him.

But I guess if the police are told this by him they still don't have proof that he abused her.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 12/10/2018 13:09

Unfortunately he’s not going to open himself up to criminal liability.

If he was a decent enough “man” to care about her feelings on this and confess to it then he’d not have been dating —raping— someone her age in the first place.

xpc316e · 12/10/2018 13:20

The Police response has I suspect very little to do with a lack of compassion and much to do with the chance of obtaining a conviction if the matter were to go to court.

JessieLemon's comments are very good.

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