Relationship failing after birth

[Aimee89]

My relationship took a direct nosedive after our daughter was born and I'm now at braking point. My partner showed very little interest in the care of our daughter but expected the likes of housework and daily chores to be completed by me while he worked. He has a very dated attitude to men and women's household roles where as I'm not that way inclined. Fast forward a year of constant arguing and I mean blazing rows there's still no common ground. He has taken to putting me down regularly going out his way to make me feel like I'm in the wrong. I'm constantly bursting into tears and feeling so low that I'm considering medical help. I had hoped things would improve after I went back work but the pressure got more intense. I do almost everything for our daughter and she's not sleeping well at the moment this is for me to deal with as he does manual work so I'm extremely sleep deprived but I've seriously had enough. We have talked it through and he has improved but the sly comments are still there and the help only when it suits. I'm just so unhappy and can't see any light

Firstly, Aimee, my heart goes out to you. It sounds truly awful for you.

Something similar but slightly different happened to us post-baby and we're still dealing with the fallout and hurt years later. Does your dp actually want you to split up? I read recently (dunno where) that couples who stay together tend to share the childcare duties. He may have to decide on whether he lets go of some of his old-fashioned beliefs or lets go of his family unit, as this doesn't sound like you can go on like this forever.

Can you get a babysitter and get out and discuss this over some regular meals/pub visits? You need support, could you consider therapy as a space to discuss all this and figure out what you want? I don't see it as medical support, I view it as time, your time to think clearly, to think about strategy, to get clear what you need and want. Can you name the sly comments as he says them - perhaps even using a silly codeword so it doesn't get too heated? Just so he becomes more aware. Sleep-wise, maybe he could do weekends? Not ideal but something, you need sleep as much as him.

So yeah, I'd stress get some support, whatever you need, this is such a crucial time for you. And take really good care of yourself.

My guess is that he was all sweetness and light prior to your pregnancy and he changed then (i.e. showed who he really is) when you became pregnant. Now the child is here he thinks you are further trapped.

I think the root cause of your current low state is him and when he is out of your life you will likely feel much better overall. You should get this documented; seeing the GP may help but you need to be completely honest and tell them what is going on re your partner and you at home.

You've already had a year of blazing rows post her birth most likely due to his misogynistic attitudes so staying with him is really a non starter. Now you are seeing who he really is; a selfish and self absorbed individual with him wanting you to be the little woman doing all the childcare duties.

I would look into leaving this man asap also because this is not the environment your daughter should be growing up in. Would you want her to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not a good enough relationship for you either. I would also contact Womens Aid, they could also be helpful to you here.

What is the situation re the finances and property?

I don't have much family non of which could take me and daughter in so to say. But I have recently registered with the council as I thought I really needed the back up. I would struggle financially alone, I work full time and my daughter goes nursery 2 days a week and to his family the remaining days. This doesn't worry me though I know I can work around all of this and manage it well but my mental stability at the moment does, and you are right he is the root cause, most definitely.

What did the council say?. Are you and your child a priority to them here?.

You need to be apart from this man and sooner rather than later.

His family may be helpful now but they could all too easily take their son's side here in the event of you separating and so won't support you. I would therefore try and source alternative childcare in the near future.

I feel that by remaining with him he will simply continue to grind you down. You are already at a low point already and he could make you all too easily feel far worse. It will also do your DD no favours at all to see you this unhappy at the hands of her dad.

Womens Aid are worth contacting and could be helpful to you as well. Please call them on 0808 2000 247.

So sorry this is happening.

I honestly think the best thing to do is split up. You're already doing all of the childcare and housework. You can just do that in the absence of someone putting you down and making you feel like shit.

I'm priority to a degree as I have a 13 month old I have today started applying for housing as it's all online, I just don't know how long it will take. In the mean time I will talk my problems through with women's aid or my doctor and start putting plans in place for mine and my daughters future. Thank you for your support everyone I'm a bit of an emotional wreck but it's amazing what a bit of support can do. I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong feeling the way I do as I've been told frequently I'm a horrible person completely to blame, that I should be more considerate to his needs and I started to believe that that was true that I needed to make him happy 24/7 because he deserved it. But I can't live like that not any more.

Aimee I was in the same boat as you. I left and took my son with me.

It wasn't easy, I had no support or back-up, but strangely enough, the issues, stress, child sleeping through poorly at night all left. I had to do it for my own mental well being and health. I've never looked back.

How are you today @Aimee89?

We are still here and listening.

Hi ladies we've had a discussion/argument over the weekend I explained how I felt and why I felt the way I do. Unfortunately he's felt the need to get his parents involved so I feel a bit cornered. They insist my unhappiness is down the post natal depression and they are now on my back to seek help.

Tell them you are seeking help.
Help to leave a man who does sweet FA. How would he know what PND is if he doesn't even pay interest in his child patronising wanker!

Aimee I feel for you as this was my life. My dc is now 16 months. We arnt together anymore for a few different reasons but a big one was how crap he was doing anything with dc and I had to do all housework, shopping, childcare and carry the mental load whilst working full time in a stressful job. He expected his washing and cooking done. Now he's gone it's so much easier as he was like a child that I was also having to take care of. If you've spoke to him and he's still not changing I'm not sure where you go from here. Will he pay for a cleaner? Can you go have a night out with friends whilst he looks after baby?

You just ignore them and carry on with your plans.

They insist my unhappiness is down the post natal depression

No it's not, it's down to their lazy-arsed excuse of a son.

You stick to your guns.

Oh OP this is awful.
Please just get away if you can.
What did Womens Aid say?
Have you got through to them you?
This man is a manipulative abuser and you can clearly see where he got it from.
Do not engage with the parents.
It's not their concern right now.
YOUR concern is your own mental health. Exit plan and then mental well being of your DD!!!!

Get out - ASAP!!!!

I feel cornered at the moment and the pressure is a bit too much for me. Our upbringings couldn't of been further apart and that shows in our differences.
He is currently trying his best and has massively improved but I can only think it's temporary. He tries with the hope of receiving something in return (sexually) and has said this directly to me. Im at a point where I see no future and it's a sad state to be in but I need to do what's best for my daughter and my wellbeing. Thank you all for your support it means a lot