Help I need advice

[Ilikeredwine]

SO.. where to start.. I am a mom of 2 boys, 3 years and other one is 11 months. 10 years ago I moved to Europe to live with my now husband. First off, culture is way different here than in the usa and I've had trouble meeting good friends. I Mean, I have ALOT of friends but not the same as my American ones.. anyways.. I think it was the second year I was dating my husband (we were living together) and I found an email where he planned to meet up for a sexual encounter with a couple. I wasn't even looking for anything I just went to his phone for somehitng and there it was.. I was shocked and got really upset, almost left him but he insisted it was nothing just playing and he was never going to actually do it. He liked being "teased" as he said.. bon, next thing (that I know about) after our first baby was born I went to the usa and when I came back found a weird charge on my debit card. He had gone to some swingers club. I was furious. He told me all about it, said it was horrible and he entered then quickly left.. apparently.. Well after that we moved to a better apt and suddenly he received a WhatsApp from some girl.. she proposed him sex in exchange for money for her school. I was horrified and broken. I called a therapist and arranged for meetings. He went but was not super happy about it. I think he feels he did nothing wrong bc he insists he never ever met anyone in person, it was all teasing through chat rooms and porn sites and he had given out his number to avoid paying the charges.. The therapist helped alot, I felt we got a lot off our chest and could finally speak about deeper things. I tried to be more sexual with him, forgive him for past mistakes and so on.. things got really better then I got pregnant really fast. We were happy to have our second baby even though maybe not the best time but whatever. Everything was fine until 2 weeks ago when I see he receieves a message from someone.. while Im sitting next to him.. I ask who it is and I look. Some girl saying when she comes back he will be at work. I didn't know what to do. I lost it.. I had already threatened to leave him if it happened again. Ive started to blame myself bc he mentions he wants more sex.. my gosh we have sex at least 1 time a week. Im taking care of babies plus a job plus the house plus my "dream" singing career. Im exhausted. I made him sleep in the other room then he started saying our son noticed and he asked to come back, he keeps trying to touch me but I can't stand his touch. Ive tried. Ive tried to snuggle with him and pretend its all ok , that this is not cheating. I feel like im lying to myself to protect myself. Im stuck here in Europe with no family , no one. I dont know what to do. He was super sorry and upset at first, even crying and saying he has a problem but then a few days later he acts like nothing happened while im still super upset.. What should I do?? Why does it have to be me to contact a therapist or something?... why is he not making any efforts? And him who is telling me to be careful with money is spending our money on webcams and marijuana. He has a good job, he is a serious person, I have lost and rebuilt my trust in him but now I feel I have nothing left. Any advice is greatly appreciated thank you....

Its not you, its him. He is the one who has caused this marriage to break down and he has done that by his actions. No-one forced him to contact these other people, he did so of his own free will. He is incapable of being faithful.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Without trust anyway there is no relationship at all to speak of. He is only upset because you have caught him again.

I would seek legal advice asap with a view to ending your marriage to your cheater of a husband. This was well and truly over the first time he cheated on you and he is no example to his children either. Your mistake here was actually forgiving him re his first transgression.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?.

He is completely disrespecting you. I am so sorry. Take your time to get yourself together but you need to kick him out!

Thank you guys for your responses.. So the first time something happened I was 23 (im 32 now), I had only just moved to Europe.. he is 10 years older than me.. the next time I caught something was quite a while later, I know this is no excuse, I feel like im making excuses but I dunno.. I come from a very catholic family all I can hear in my head is how disappointed they would be. I dont even know where I would go or what I would do if we got a divorce!

I have never written this before but your case is obvious... LTB

I couldn't stay with him. Once You can't bear for him to touch you that's definitely the end. So now you just have to work out how to do it without letting him know what you are planning.

Why are you even staying with this man?

He says that for him, it’s not cheating and it’s fine to to all the stuff he’s been doing as long as he doesn’t actually have physical sexual interactions with anyone.

You say that that’s bad enough for you and you don’t want a husband who’s having sexual messages and making plans to shag other people (I don’t buy for a second he hasn’t actually fucked anyone btw).

He has proven over and over again that he won’t stop this behaviour, so the decision is in your hands. Do you accept this as part of the price of admission for being with him? Or do you walk away?

It’s painful but really quite simple. When you told him you don’t want him to even message people sexually and he kept doing it that was your cue to realise he doesn’t respect you, isn’t scared of losing you, and won’t stop. Why on Earth are you even here still with him and still querying what to do? It’s been a decade of knowing he’s a cheat. At this point you’re just choosing a marriage which includes him sniffing around elsewhere because you know that’s what he’s doing.

I come from a very catholic family all I can hear in my head is how disappointed they would be.

Your family should be disappointed in him for cheating, not you for leaving a cheat. And if they’re some disappointed in you for having some integrity and boundaries they’re really not much of a family.

Not to mention the fact that you’re a grown up and can make your own decisions about your life without your family’s say so, permission or approval.

thank you guys , all of this is super hard to hear, keep in mind I am in Europe, far from my family, I do love him , very much, we have had a beautiful relationship apart from this but after discussing it the fact he did it again makes me crazy.. its easy to tell someone leave but when this crap happens to you its a totally different story. I dont have anyone to run to. First, going through my head is its not like he is doing this all the time, over a period of 10 years there have only been these few things BUT I dont know if maybe there was more you are right. Anyways, im gonna take some time like u said to think about it and try to find a solution for myself.

Do you need someone to ‘run to’?

It sounds like you don’t feel you have the confidence to go it alone unless there’s a safety net or somebody to take care of you if you leave. You say you’ve been here ten years, does it not feel like home yet?

How are things financially if you decide to leave? It sounds like you’re wondering whether it’d be so difficult to leave it might just be worth staying, that’s not a wrong choice to make if you decide that. But at least now you know who he is you’d be making that decision with full knowledge if that makes sense.

If you decide that you can tolerate the cheating for the rest of the marriage because on the whole it’s okay and you reckon you can justify that the cheating you know about has been occasional rather than nonstop, that’s a valid decision too. Only you are living your life. I couldn’t bear to let someone touch me who I knew had been trying to get their end away with someone else, so for me it’d be a hard line and I couldn’t continue, but some people do end up staying in unfaithful marriages knowing they don’t have a monogamous partnership and I guess some of them find a way to be happy. Take your time sussing all of this out, are you able to access therapy to have someone impartial to bounce ideas and thoughts off while you’re deciding what to do?

He has been cheating on you for years. Can you return to the US, it doesn't seem like you have ever really settled where you are.

I'd be returning to the US with children. Fuck that shit.

He's been cheating on you since the very beginning. In the first and exciting throes of new love. This isn't about the amount of times you have sex with him. He likes the thrill and kink of other people. You say it's only been a few times in 10 years but that's only the times you've caught him. I bet there are many more that you haven't caught him.

This man is not monogamous. He will never be monogamous. You could be having sex daily and he would still have sex with other people, because he likes fucking lots of different people.

I think your first step should be to seek legal advice regarding removing your DC from France and returning to the US where you have family support.