Recovering from a Narcissist

[Insomnibrat]

I have recently emerged from a relationship with what turns out was a textbook narcissist, although I didn't know until it was pointed out to me...
I'm not unintelligent, generally, but was completely taken in and suffered through every stage of love bombing, future facing, idealisation, devaluation and eventual discard.

I know he's a bad man. He's a horrible man with a terrible character and when I see him (which sadly, I must occasionally-work) I feel physically sick and my adrenaline shoots through the roof. He's superficially charming, and everyone who knows him says how lovely he is, but I know different. Scratch the surface and he's a hollow man without normal feelings, deeply unpleasant. In a nutshell I know I'm lucky to be away from him.

So why am I hurting? The whole thing occupies my mind all day, I replay it and re live it and think up scenarios where I can tell him how I feel, I check my phone endlessly and it's the last thing I think about at night and the first in the morning. I still feel trapped.
When does it get easier? Am I in shock? I want to put it all in a box and be done with it, but I'm really struggling......

I think because it messes with your deeply ingrained values and expectations. You assumed you could trust him, that he was genuine and that if you reacted as you would to a normal, healthy human being you would establish a predictable relationship. Unfortunately when people are severely damaged like this they are just incapable of standard human interactions but especially lack empathy. It is deeply disturbing as well as very painful emotionally so I think that it's very understandable you find yourself obsessively ruminating about it all. His behaviour and response blows all you have ever known about human interaction out of the water.

It's totally understandable as these individuals are frightening, it's disturbing to meet people who lack humanity. We are not warned that they're out there either! Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Yes! @IdaBWells everything you just said makes total sense.
He went from being the most adoring man, putting me on a pedestal (I should have known better), to literally being as cold as ice and trying to almost prove to me that I meant nothing to him.
He absolutely steam rollers over everyone and everything to get what he wants and then it means nothing to him. I was an irritant. Sadly though, I'd fallen for him.
I'm stunned that someone can be so gushing then so cold, cold as ice....

Do you know why he suddenly ended things? Maybe that’s part of it, not having answers? Is he being cold to make it easier if you work together?

Having been through this, the big issue for me was coming to terms with everything being a lie. It makes that period of your life feel completely wasted, and then you get angry with yourself for being taken in by them. Counselling helped me loads, and one of the first things she talked about was me forgiving myself as I was focusing most of the blame inwards.

I can really identify with how you are feeling, Insomnibrat. I am going through almost exactly the same thing.

Like you, intellectually I know I am better off out of it but I am really struggling and feel really sad. This is despite only being with my ex for a year! Out of the blue it will dawn on me that we've broken up and I suddenly feel weak and in shock.

I believe he was incredibly damaged. His parents pretty much left him to it when he was a kid and my theory is that he formed a very poor attachment style. He used to say he hated his Mother. I should have run for the hills as soon as he said that.

After making many excuses for his very poor behaviour (too many things to go into) I finally put my foot down and realised that I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him and that my self-worth was worth so much more and finished it with him.

I'm coping by doing the following:
-the sad feelings are slowly turning into anger and I'm using this anger to push myself forward and feel more empowered.

-I'm taking stock of what happened and vowing that I will take heed of everything I've realised and make sure my boundaries are strong in the future.

-I will never date another man who admits to having a bad relationship with his Mother.
-I have blocked him on absolutely everything. I am not even tempted to see what he's up to on social media.
-I am trying to be nice to myself and am trying to eat healthy foods and do some exercise so that I feel well and also start to feel attractive again (he totally eroded my self-esteem).

Hugs to you. You will feel much better in the weeks and months to come, I promise.

Wow I take my hat off to you strong ladies dealing with this, i’m struggling just coping with a narc SIL

You're hurting because you're human, you are confused and have been bamboozled and are still in the weeds, it takes time to get to the riverbank.

Take care x

I understand exactly how you're feeling OP.
My exh is exactly as you describe.
...it's almost like PTSD...replaying the emotional trauma over and over in your mind all the time. Hypervigilence. In constant fight or flight mode which gets worse if you see them. Even seeing his name was enough to set me off into full blown panic!...I absolutely did not expect that to happen at all after 2years no contact!!

I had been going to Domestic Abuse Counselling for about 12months after we separated and found that it did not help because I was just reliving the abuse by talking about it. Also I was too embarrassed to talk to friends about it.....
So that's when I started the writing.

I started writing stuff down to get it out of my head. I wrote pages and pages and notebooks full of stuff that was going around in my head (especially at night when I was unable to sleep) about what he had done and a whole host of things ......then I burnt them one by one in the garden!!
It really helped me a great deal and I would definitely recommend writing stuff down.

I also started taking Holy Basil capsules(a herb that actually stabilises the adrenals) as I was in constant fight or flight mode. It really did work and stopped that rush of adrenaline.
It helped me with getting to sleep and more importantly staying asleep instead of jumping awake every couple of hours!

I eventually was able to calm myself down but it took a fews years.
I have read somewhere that if you have been in an abusive relationship it can take the same length of time to start to recover. So 5years in the relationship then a further 5years to recover.

I would never ever risk getting involved in another relationship ever again.

I feel safer on my own and now that he no longer knows where I am.

The major problem you have with having to see him occasionally is likely to kick off that same response of adrenaline. Is there any way that you could get out of that situation?

How are you doing @Insomnibrat?

Melanie Tonia Evans is good for healing from narcissistic abuse 🌸