Stay or go? Help :(

[TangerineTagine]

I don't know what to do about my current relationship. I want to stay, but I also want to leave. After a few months of being together my partner became emotionally abusive and controlling due to jealousy and insecurity issues. Since then he has done some soul searching and says that he is better. Things HAVE been a LOT better, and I see him really trying. However, I have also stopped doing most of the things that upset him (my choice, but probably avoidance). There are still niggles of insecurity, like a little snidey comment here and there relating to past issues that just makes me feel crap. He says I am free to do anything or see anyone I like (friends) but I still get worried at the thought of doing the things that used to set him off. He says he might be a bit down about it and quiet and that's ok. But really, I just want these non issues to be just that! He is lovely in many ways and we have a great time together. He is my best friend. I lovr him and will miss him so much.

I honestly don't know if it is me or him now. I am a very emotional person, and I do get upset easily. So I don't know who needs to change. He says that I am oversensitive and now that he's changed it's mainly my problem, and he is entitled to opinions/reactions, but I am honestly hurt by some of his comments and I think others would be too. However I feel that given the history I am constantly looking for these red flags so I don't know if it is paranoia on my behalf. After thrashing it out he says that he will try and be better and I can honestly say that most of the snidey comments have stopped and we get on well with no fights. However, I still feel on edge and things still happen that make me upset.

The other week we had such a great time and I realised it was because he hadn't commented on anything and I hadn't worried. I just want that so much.

To be honest I feel very scared to break up and throw this away. I am worried I will regret it forever and miss him. I will miss all the things we do together and the good times and will never get it back. He will be devestated as he thinks things are fine now. I also don't want to be lonely as I have very few friends and am very insecure about my future as I am between careers. 95% of the time things are great and what I want in life. But I just can't seem to get over these little things. I am worried that I am wanting him to be perfect and no one can be that.

Any advice from people who have stuck out hard times and been happy to stick with it? Everyone deserves a chance and he HAS changed a lot. But I am so worried about things taking a nosedive in the future. I worry that it is just a bandaid... After reading what people go through on here I am scared that I will give him my all and in several years be back where I am now.

I could go into detail about all the different behaviours but I'm not sure how that will help apart from be just slagging him off and being petty. Plus outing.

I am so sad about it and just up and down all the time about it. I am a good person, I try so hard to make others happy and just want to be treated the same.

Thanks for getting this far.

I'd leave i've been there and they will change until your no longer thinking about leaving and resort back to how they are. It took me 3 times to finally leave for good but it was the right decision amd now i look back and realise if i had stayed it would only have got worse.

I guess you haven't been together very long? Leave, the relationship isn't making you happy. Can you focus on getting back into work and doing the things you used to do?

I broke up with my ex 16 months ago. It took until spring this year to start being myself without fear of triggering him. I feel so incredibly free now and it's awesome. I would never ever go back. You don't realise how much of you you change until you've spent some time free. I still every now and then think I can't do something and then I remind myself that actually, I can.

Leave would be my advice, you will find someone better trust me . You don’t want to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, it tears you down bit by bit until suddenly you don’t recognise yourself x

Thanks everyone. It can be so great sometimes that I just can't beat to leave, but then there will be a comment thqt just eats away at me. I just don't know if I need to give him longer to change. Will he change? Can someone fix things so quickly?

No. They do enough to reel you back and then escalate again. This time, he might propose or get you pregnant - something that permanently ties you to him - before he escalates.

RUN. The abusers cycle between perfection and horror. When they are in perfect mode of course it is better than any other relationship but it isn’t real and won’t last.

I am not very clear what exactly he was doing before. And some people genuinely change. I was that insecure person questioning my partner's every friendship. While I am very confident and strong as a person. It's just due to my past experiences. We nearly fell out and he said he cannot be with a person that constantly checks him out. I have stopped doing that now. Yes I might be quiet and unsure sometimes. Doesn't mean I will go back to being to the way K was.
For that reason I would say give him a chance?

How old are you; early 20s?.

What would you say to someone else if they wrote what you have done?. Why would you want to stay with someone like this, your own people pleasing nature again and fear of the unknown?.

You yourself have very few friends and are between careers and all that serves to make you even more vulnerable to him; he will not help you feel better about your own self. There is only one way this will further go too and that is down.

How many chances have you already given him?. When will you yourself decide no more?. He is not worthy of you, he is really not fit to clean your shoes.

If you are trying so hard to make others happy at your overall expense that also makes you a people pleaser. Therefore the ideal fodder for someone like this abusive individual to target, I have no doubt whatsoever you were targeted by this man accordingly. Who taught you how to be a people pleaser as well, your mother?. People pleasing does not serve you at all well.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

This is who he is; he is abusive in nature and such men do not change. The "nice" times you have are all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse that such men dish up to their target and that cycle is a continuous one. Loving him will not make him behave better and he anyway does not want your help or support. Such men too hate women, all of them. You cannot fix him either, this is deeply ingrained within his psyche and he feels entitled to act like he does. This is who he is.

You seem also to be getting stuck on the sunken costs fallacy i,e, this whole notion about throwing this away; do not fall into this trap. He is the one who has failed you here, not the other way around.

It really does make me think you learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up. Please find it within yourself to get away from him for good before he drags you further down with him. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid could help you no end too.

Your boundaries too Tangerine will become further messed up if you stay with this abusive individual. I would argue that they were already somewhat messed up to start with, this man has just caused those further damage.

He does not deserve the OP at all oreoxoreo and why would you state that he does?. Have you read her initial post properly?. Your own experiences do not describe an abusive relationship which is what OP is in. OP has used the words controlling and emotionally abusive to describe this individual.

Thanks. You are right that my mum is the same, it makes me sad to see her go so out of her way for people that either treat her badly or don't appreciate what she does for them.

I am afraid to post all of the things because he has seen me post before and that did not go down well. I cant identify with a cycle of abuse, and he resents very badly being called abusive, he says he was just insecure due to his past. But there are other things too that just make me feel terrible and I would never say the same to someone else. I feel like I constantly have to reassure him whilst also regulating what I want or need to do, like I am not allowed to show that something else in my life really matters apart from him.

He will be mortified that I am feeling this way as the past few weeks have been great. Someone said that relationships shouldn't be this hard and that's what I feel. But maybe I need to put the hard work in now? Btw I am late thirties. We have pets together which makes it difficult and my parents live at the other end of the country so I would be giving up a lot leaving.

Do NOT let him know you are posting here; showing him anything now will further cause you harm. You also need a safe outlet.

Please do not stay for or because of these animals; he probably thinks more of them than he does of you anyway. You also need a life away from your parents too. What you write, all your words are those of an abused woman and you are smack bang in the middle of the cycle of abuse. The nice/nasty cycle from him is a continuous one. Currently he seems to be in the nice part but that will not last long.

Of course he is going to react badly to you calling him abusive (they all do this) but he is and no amount of words from him will change that fact. This man is really no different from your common or garden abusive man. His actions are all about power and control here and he wants absolute over you here.

I am horrified that you are in such a relationship in your late 30s; it really does cement the fact that you learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships and from your mother too in the main when you were growing up. You do not have to keep on making the same mistakes she made and you with this man are doing the same as your mother has done. Prostrating yourself to him as you are doing and people pleasing will not make him at all respect you or help you feel better. Getting away from him for good will make you feel better.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You only get one shot at this life; do not waste this on him.

I think he would also not be mortified but angry at his own self for not upping the power and control against you sooner so he will simply redouble his efforts to further control you. You will become a shell of the person you were if you remain with him. You have no good reasons to stay with him. Do not trap yourself like this. There is always a way out of such relationships.

What he is showing you is power and control; two things at the very heart of abuse.

If he did love you and did care about you he would not treat you with such overall disdain and contempt. He would not attempt to control you or be manipulative by using tears and being apparently upset.

He cares more about these animals than you. If you were to leave he would have to put the work in to simply find someone else to take your place; another sap to dig his claws into.

The fact you need to ask is quite concerning.
Please get some counselling for yourself to understand why you put up with this.
Google - people pleaser and co-dependency!!!

You've already 'changed' to appease him.
For the love of all that is holy.....
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all. In your case there is nothing to be worked on here because there is really no relationship. This is certainly not a healthy relationship you are in.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

You would be giving up a lot more by staying.

After a few MONTHS?

You should still be in the honeymoon phase, and he should be making you feel like a queen, not second-guessing yourself and worrying.

Please end this now.

Same situation OP I was in a nightmare with mine a few weeks back and confronted him and he’s completely flipped change as I think he knew the threat to end it was real.

I’m still holding out to see what happens but not naive to think is a permanent change. Will be following your story!

That's the thing, I see changes but how long will they last?

You are appeasing him, that is why his behaviour appears to have "changed"

Unless you want to live the rest of your life on a permanent state of anxiety and change your whole personality to avoid his displeasure, you need to end it

Good relationships are not "hard work" when that work involves capitulating to abuse

That's the thing, I see changes but how long will they last?

Until he thinks he's got you nicely under control again, then he'll revert to his abusive ways. You've already stated that this has happened several time.

he resents very badly being called abusive

yes, abusers usually do.

It's so hard to give up the good things. We do everything together and share a lot of hobbies. I'm not sure how to make friends anymore and starting again seems daunting even though it has been relatively short. He won't want to keep the dog as she is elderly so at least I will have some company.

I spent 15 years with a man like you describe. I spent 2 years on my own with the kids cause he went to prison 😕 it was bliss, then I let him come home and within a month life was total hell! He has moved out now and two days ago I finally decided it was over for good. He is upset, hurt and and never leaves me alone, but he put us here! Don't waste your life in a man you tiptoe around to keep the peace! It's not worth it, it gets worse and you deserve better!

I've spent alot of years waiting for someone to change to just get worse and now we've broken up I know I'm in a bit of a situation right now but it beats being miserable and treading on eggshells for the next however many years. Something will cause you to leave or trigger the leaving process but the fact you have to question it should already give you your answer. You will leave when you are ready. Just keep trying to build your self up until you feel in the right head space to deal with the aftermath.

He hasn't changed he's 'tamed' you. You're behaving how he wants you to, questioning your every move and now he says it's your problem.

Leave.