Constantly anxious and guilty in this relationship...

[Frogglie]

Been together four years with two young DC.

DP is quite traditional, shy, opinionated and one of those people who was ‘born old’. He likes the countryside and reading and has good manners - all fine btw! He also very ‘forceful’ when putting his point across and can be very argumentative

I’m similar in lots of ways but more of an outgoing city girl, confident and sociable.

I get very defensive within the relationship. We had a stormy first year of rows and DP questioning a lot of my behaviours ie drinking wine every night, watching X factor, being to judgemental, being to ‘soft’ with DC etc etc...

I find myself feeling anxious and guilty that he’s going to question why I’m doing something, ie sitting playing on my phone, drinking a glass of wine while cooking, watching big brother in tv. I find myself thinking of excuses in advance.

The funny thing is he says exactly the same thing, that he feels hyper defensive and guilty about upsetting me by going out for a pint with his friends, or going to get his hair cut, or playing on the games console.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is our relationship completely unhealthy? Are just very incompatible?

Just wondering why you partner feels defensive. Do you question him or sulk with him for being on console or going for pints? Going for a haircut is an odd one, can't work that out?

If you are both defensive it means you are never really getting to root of the arguments. It sounds like you a defensive cause he is quite forceful so maybe at a calm time sit down and chat about that and also why he feels defensive. Maybe look at couple counselling to understand the dynamics of what is going on?

Thanks for your reply.

I get annoyed (he accuses me of sulking) if he goes for a pint when I’m trying to get dc to bed, it can be pretty chaotic.

I don’t like the games console.

Obviously him going to the barbers isn’t an issue. He just says he feels guilty as whenever he has free time there’s so much to do in the house.

It's not healthy for the DC growing up in an environment where both parents are essentially anxious about the other. A calm chat about what the real issues are and how to break the cycle. What's reasonable and what's not. I.e. reasonable time on console v reasonable time doing house stuff. Same with watching big brother. What does it matter what you watch? In big picture it's irrelevant. Try to eliminate the noise of what you disagree about. Is most of it unimportant. Is it driven by underlying frustrations? If calm chat and effort doesn't work couple therapy can be great for unpicking it or giving you perspective. Good luck.

You are not suited for each other. It really is that simple.

You don't seem compatible

Thanks for the replies.

We are both poised to expect criticism from the other, probably me more so than him.

We are compatible in most other ways, but emotional incompatibility is a big problem.

I suppose the problems arise when it comes to free time. We like watching different things on TV and doing different activities. We get very little free time/time to ourselves as it is.

I’m not happy to sit and watch him play a computer game, he’s not happy to watch big brother/google box/whatever.

He’s not very sociable, I need to be around people some of the time.

He’s quite lazy when it comes to work on the house, I’m very driven and have a lot of energy, this is a real bugbear. I find myself nagging him a lot as he will use any excuse not to get stuff done.

You're listing example after example of how you are incompatible, but say you are compatible in most ways?

Sounds like you need to call a truce & find some middle ground.

We are compatible intellectually, in most of our attitudes and opinions, sexually, in raising DC, in what we want for the future. It’s just emotionally - ie how we react to each other and what we choose to do in our free time.

DH and I have been through times in our marriage where I haven't felt we are very compatible but if you love someone, you communicate and compromise.

Eg. He helps you put the DC to bed and then he can go for his pint while you watch a bit of trashy TV to clear you head.

Do you only have the one TV? DH and I don't enjoy the same shows but we can watch what we want in separate rooms and come together for a movie we both enjoy.

Thanks. Yes after a long day with DC ideally I would like to watch trashy TV and zone out with a glass of wine then read in bed and fall asleep. He would like to play computer games or watch top gear then have sex.

Why don't you feel happy about him playing computer games?

DP doesn’t approve of TV’s in the bedroom, I’ve bever had one but feel it could be a good idea.... Neither of us would want one in the kitchen/diner... Otherwise two rooms would be perfect!

Why don't you feel happy about him playing computer games?

I just find it childish and boring to watch. I’ve never had a partner who enjoys it before. He pretty much feels the same way about X factor if I choose to watch it.

Well, if you insist on sitting in the same room, the options are:

1. Take it in turns to do what you like while the other politely waits
2. Get a tablet and watch TV on that while he plays
3. Get a tablet and he plays on that while you watch TV
4. Duel to the death, winner gets to do what he or she likes

I find computer games and X factor childish and boring to watch. But you chose to marry one another.

I'm guessing you hadn't been together very long before you got pregnant. So very little time to just be a couple and see if you're compatible. Clearly you're not. And my guess is that when the chaos of young children is over you'll look at each other and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

MN is full of women who rush into relationships then wonder why the man turns out to be not what they expected. It never ceases to amaze me.

1. Duel to the death, winner gets to do what he or she likes

😂

I find computer games and X factor childish and boring to watch. But you chose to marry one another.

OP says DP so i’m guessing they’re not married. From the stuff she’s said I’m guessing it’s quite a new/short relationship, 1-2 years maybe?

OP YABU with your approach to video games, whether you like watching or playing them or not isn’t relevant, your DP enjoys doing it with his free time and shouldn’t have to feel like he’s gonna get shit from you when he chooses to spend his free time doing something he likes just because you don’t. It’s clear the problem is pinging back and forth between you. If my OH was making swipes or getting huffy at the hobbies I have that he doesn’t share I’d be miserable and either getting rid, or end up sinking to his level and making comments in return. Is it like that with you two? You don’t like him playing games (I could see why if you said he wasn’t spending any time with you just playing games or it was interfering with his life) and make comments so he makes comments about your past times (I’m amazed that someone who watches Goggle Box is judging someone for playing games btw 😂) and so it goes?

You both need to realise and openly acknowledge you don’t have to enjoy the same things and as long as you both feel you’re getting enough time together and everything around the house is getting done, that’s fine and healthy and quit making comments to each other.

You may find out down the line you’re just too incompatible as shared interests might be really important to either of you. But in the meantime you have a chance of salvaging it if you can sort this issue. No wonder you feel defensive when you have such a low opinion of the thing he does for fun and you feel he’s the same with you.

I’m not a gamer btw, no dog in this fight, it’s just really bizarre that you don’t like him playing games because YOU don’t like them, that doesn’t make any sense. If my partner tried to be shitty towards what I liked doing in my spare time i’d tell him to get to fuck.

Been together four years with two young DC.
It's the very first line

Having children with someone is frankly a bigger step than marriage, and a step they have chosen to take.

Bickering about your specific choice of trashy evening entertainment is another step you can choose to take, or not.

Get an iPad. So simple.

ravenmum whoops 😂

Still, I think it says something that from missing that line, the way you talk to each other and treat each other sounds much more fitting of a new relationship that hasn’t found its legs yet or is doomed than a four year partnership with children. If you’ve had two kids in four years together you must have moved in and got pregnant pretty fast? Like a PP highlighted, you probably didn’t really know each other properly before going ahead and having a child, so now you’re discovering things that show your incompatibility which might have surfaced had you given it a little more time to get to know each other before jumping in with kids.

None of that is advice obviously cos you can’t change the past. But maybe if someone is reading and considering having a child with someone they’ve been with only a year or so they might think twice.

My husband doesn't play computer games but if he did, I'd set up a space for him for that purpose. There'll come a time where there is three of you wanting to watch telly when the kids are older and you're not telling me he would play games on the only telly and expect 3 of you to watch? You need another telly.

I suspect the way you speak to each other is as much a problem as what you're trying to say. Sounds like you both need to compromise and give benefit of the doubt more often.