Sex life gone to pill

[Galileok]

I have seen similar threads but not close enough and I need some advice or just someone to read...

My wife takes a contraceptive pill for her hormones - she used to get mood swings and was for many intents and purposes, depressed. She saw a therapist and the combination of that and the pill really helped her a great deal and now she’s come out so much better.

Here’s the problem, this pill has eliminated her sex drive and we both know it. We have spoken about it and shared our thoughts but both recognise it’s not healthy for her mentally if she were to stop taking it. She’s my best friend and we have a great life and wonderful children, however it’s now my hormones that are out of control(!) I miss her initiating sex, I miss her kissing me because she wants to and not just because she feels like she has to.

In all fairness since addressing this she has started to have sex with me more but only if I initiate it and it is quite clearly out of guilt or duty.

Before the pill it was a two way very romantic and erotic love life and now it’s just me. To be brutally honest sex now just feels like one step up from masturbation...

In before: “give her a massage, do the housework, stop her feeling like a mum, be romantic ...” I really have gone all out and it’s been over a year now. I’ve read countless posts on this site and I’ve tried it all - we both know what the problem is and it is chemical, not emotional...

So I know there’s not a lot you can do but I just needed to say something to someone...and thanks for reading. X

I would talk to her and ask her to seek some medical advice on any alternatives to managing her hormones/depression. There may be non-drug options for her such as CBT, meditation, exercise and diet combinations. I suffer from anxiety and currently manage it with a combination of meditation and diet/exercise. It doesn't work for everyone but worth a discussion with het GP.

I feel for you. The problem is that unless someone has an innate sex drive or strongly fancies someone (not very common after many years of familiarity) it's not going to cross their mind. It's like if you magically lost the sense of hunger.. how you remember to eat? You'd probably have to be reminded or make a schedule.. does that take away the fun for you or could it become tolerable? You might have to accept that for now you're the one who wants it and she's the one being kind and courteous in meeting you half way even if it's not ideal.

Thank you Barbara, I think that's the place I'm already in and it's just nice to hear that I'm probably doing the best I can.

Hopoindown thanks for the suggestions - afraid we've already discussed it and after years of having problems, there's a fear of trying something that doesn't work and losing what she already has.

How does she feel about it OP?

I lost my libido when on the pill - and did not feel happy about this. (To use one of my mum's phrases, "it felt like being dead from the neck down.")

Does she miss it? Miss it but see no option because it's better than the alternative of severe depression? Find her libido's gone but doesn't particularly mind?

This, I think, will impact on how you both approach the matter. If for instance this is the most effective treatment for her depression and she just can't face running the risk of being depressed again, it may be that expecting her to come off it is just too big an ask.

(It is awful for you, I realise that - for older friends of mine this happened the other way round; husband had a prostatectomy, after which he suffered erectile dysfunction. That was pretty much the end of their sex life; and his wife did tell me she missed it terribly. But not so much that she would have left her husband, whom she loved very much - she filed it under the "in sickness and in health" part of marriage. I also have friends where the husband's anti-depressants are killing his sex life - so it's not clear that there's an obvious alternative drug choice to deal with the depression which won't have this side-effect - ADs often damp libido, unfortunately.)

Thanks FermatsTheorem, it's definitely a case of seeing no alternative but at the same time, because her libido's gone, it's not bothering her...

I completely agree with your friend, I see it as a part of the 'sickness and health', however I'm not even thirty yet (not far off!) and am scared of the future...I'm mature and reasonable enough to see the bigger picture, but I do feel sad at times that we've got to that stage already...

Not even 30? Bloody hell, it would be bad enough in your 50’s. I have no particular suggestions, I’m sorry to say, but I genuinely couldn’t picture the next 40-50 years with only (at best) the odd mercy fuck.

Haha well thanks for telling it like it is(!) just nice to read that My feelings are reasonable and tbh just nice to talk to someone about it...