Paranoid or trust gut instinct?

[tellmeimnotmad]

Name changed as too many people know me on here. Need some perspective please!

I began dating a guy I met online about 5 months ago We get on very well, good chemistry, sex is good etc. Things were very casual for the first few weeks but then we reached a point where I asked if he felt ready to delete our profiles and be exclusive. He said he was and that he'd do it when he got back from work that night.
We had the deleting dating profile conversation about 4 weeks ago now but it never actually happened. He went on holiday the day after we'd had it and so I didn't push it. I checked a couple of weeks ago and he'd not been online at all since we'd spoken so I felt ok and it kind of got forgotten about but a couple of nights ago curiosity got the better of me and I logged in to see he's still been active on the website over the last couple of days. When I asked him the first time he said he just bobbed on to be nosey and he wasn't talking to anyone on there but seeing him back online isn't making me feel great. I'd rather he tell me he isn't ready to delete it than to tell me he is but go behind my back if that makes sense?!
Obviously I haven't deleted mine either yet as I don't want to until I know he has so the part of my brain that is trying to rationalise this is saying he could be doing the same as me and logging on to see if I've been on? I'm going to have the convo again with him tonight but just wanted some thoughts?

I've been played a few times by guys recently and I'm not very confident so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid and overthinking this or if the feeling in my gut is trying to tell me something

Another little red flag the other night, he got a message on his phone which was on the table. He seemed to get a little anxious and kind of slipped the phone in to his pocket when he thought I wasn't watching, then said he needed the loo. It wasn't a big enough thing for make a deal of without sounding crazy but I feel a bit crazy right now

Another little red flag the other night, he got a message on his phone which was on the table. He seemed to get a little anxious and kind of slipped the phone in to his pocket when he thought I wasn't watching, then said he needed the loo. It wasn't a big enough thing for make a deal of without sounding crazy but I feel a bit crazy right now

I don't know about OLD as I've never done it myself, but this ^^ stood out. Clearly, from this behaviour, he IS messaging other people and doesn't want you to know. Trust your gut. Every time.

Sounds like he's messaging other women. OLD is like a sweetshop for some people, and highly addictive. Some users are always searching and messaging in case a 'better' offer comes along. It's also the thrill of the chase and a huge ego trip for them. I wouldn't expect this man to ever want to delete his profile and be exclusive with you.

Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it.
You've confirmed I'm not just being paranoid.
I know I need to have a conversation with him it's just hard without sounding like I'm stalking him!
Suppose I need to have a long think about how best to approach it

Argh. I hate OLD. The problem is, it's addictive and people often struggle with deleting their profiles because they like the buzz of a new message and of course some people always think there might be someone better round the corner.

Honestly I had a zero tolerance of nonsense so just him not deleting his profile when he said he would, would be enough for me to bin him off... But as you've both not actually done it then you could reasonably give each other a second chance but on the explicit proviso that if you found each other on there again he's toast.

The message too, is very clearly from another woman, without a shadow of a doubt.

I'm going to have the convo again with him tonight but just wanted some thoughts?

I wouldn't be having the conversation again. It would be once, then a "what's going on" conversation where he explains why he's still actively using OLD when you agreed to do both deactivate. Giving him another chance is essentially saying "I know what you're doing but I'm going to give you another go". If he's treating you with disregard at this early stage, he will continue to do so. Trust that gut instinct.

Thanks so much for your advice everyone.
It's cleared my head a bit to hear your responses.
When you're alone with your own thoughts it's easy to convince yourself you're overthinking or being OTT but you've put my mind at ease a bit in that I know I'm not being a crazy person!

You had the convo 4 weeks ago. If he was worth his salt he would have done it. Because you ‘didn’t want to push it’ then you’ve let it slide and now it’s lost it’s power.

By definition you are now a casual thing and the fact he is messaging others confirms it.

The only way from here is to bin him off now.

I think your instincts are spot on and I applaud you, OP.

I’ve done OLD and it’s ruthless! But worth it, keep looking for that needle in the haystack!

Agree with previous comments however you also haven't kept your side of the agreement have you op? So I'm not sure why he is wrong and you are the honest one?

@in2dagroove no I didn't keep my side of the bargain. At the time I assumed he'd let me know he'd deleted it and I'd have then done the same, but it was the night before his holiday, he was rushed etc and to be fair to him hadn't been online from that point up until a couple of days ago.

I had a calm conversation with him when he came over tonight, he opened the app in front of me to prove he hadn't messaged anybody since back around the time we first began seeing each other casually and he deleted the app there and then in front of me.
He seemed genuinely gutted when I said I didn't want to see him anymore over it, he said he'd logged in for the same reason as me, to see if I'd been online

I'm not sure I believe him, but at the same time a little bit of me wants to give him a chance as like groove said, I hadn't deleted mine either

The real head fuck thing is that there are a zillion dating apps and either of you could be on any number of them. I've reached the point where I think if he's going to be on other sites, he will be. If he wants to be with me, he will be. The options open to me are the decisions I make--what is it that suits me and what is it I would be happy with. It's unlikely you'll be able to force someone's hand, I think.

@Nothavingfunrightnow
You're so right. I didn't feel like I'd forced his hand with it, there were no ultimatums. I'm feeling cautious but I know myself and I know my tendency to overthink things and look for reasons to doubt.

OP it's easy to sit and judge from behind a screen but you're the one that's got to know this guy. Not us. You've focused on 2 things which on paper, ok don't sound great BUT there's always 2 sides to every story and I don't believe that every guy out there is a liar and a cheat. It's perfectly possible that he was just as worried as you about the fact you'd been online. The phone thing, could be something could be nothing but I guess only time will tell if you're prepared to see how it goes.
As an overthinker it's easy to focus on the negatives and ignore the positive signs. How are things in general other than this?

• does he cancel on you often?
• do you speak much between dates?
• do his family/ friends know you exist or have you met anyone close to him yet?
• does he make time for you?

Just some things to think about. Nobody on here can tell you what he's up to but what I do know is the truth always comes out so it's just up to you what your next move is
Good luck!

Thanks Wishy

It's nice to get a slightly different take on it. I had a good chat with my sister about it this morning and feel a bit better about things.
In answer to your questions

• he's never cancelled on me, he arranges lovely thoughtful dates
• we chat every day. We text a bit throughout the day and he'll usually ring me on an evening if we're not seeing each other
• we've not introduced each other to anyone yet (I have kids, he doesn't so we've agreed to take this side of things slow but that's more at my request than his). His family and friends know about me though, I've been sat next to him while he's been on the phone to his mum and his sister a couple of times and he's openly spoken about being with me to them.
• he's never not been available to be honest, he works long hours and isn't big on being out with the lads or anything like that so he's always fit round whenever I can be free.

I am feeling now like I shouldn't punish him for not deleting his profile as I didn't do it either.

The message on the phone the other night is still kind of on my mind but I think I'm prepared to just keep an eye out for anything further and see what happens as I'm fully aware that I can be a little bit paranoid and jump to conclusions too quickly

You kind of did force his hand though. If someone I was seeing asked me to delete my profile it would seem rude not to. I haven't deleted my profile that i haven't used in months.

5 months seems a really long time to not delete already. I dabbled with OLD, nothing serious so maybe that's how it works. I recently met someone in real life and he deleted the app after 3 days.

Musty

In all honesty last night he seemed relieved I'd brought it up and was more than happy to delete it.
I'd built the conversation up in my head all day, ready for him getting defensive or making up excuses as to why he kept it but he just said he'd totally forgotten about it once he came back off holiday as he'd removed the app from his phone before I'd asked him anyway (I know this is true as he'd mentioned it a while ago off his own back)
The app was still on his iPad though so he'd gone on the other day, like me out of curiosity and seen that I'd been online too.

Having weighed up, with a clearer head, all the things he's done right vs this I do feel like he's worth a shot. I'm not besotted, or stupid, I'll be vigilant for a while for any more signs but for now I feel happy to move forward with him. I don't want to end something which feels good over an assumption. If I'm wrong and it turns out he's just a very good liar then I won't stick around

@userxx

3 days? 😳 that would be a bigger red flag to me than anything the OP has said

@tellmeimnotmad
It sounds like you're being sensible. It's very easy to look for reasons not to date someone or for reasons it might all go wrong. It might go wrong yes, or it could be wonderful. If you feel he's worth another shot now profiles are officially gone, I say go for it ☺️

wishywashy6 - really? He hated it as much as me and had only dabbled. Maybe we are a bit old fashioned but once we spent time together there was never any question of looking around and seeing what else was out there.

tellmeimnotmad - if he's now deleted it then give it a go, what have you got to lose.

@userxx

After only knowing each other 3 days? Yes. That would scream over investing way too soon for me. But if you're happy and it's working then you shouldn't listen to a word I'm saying, I can only speak for me!
I went into OLD hating it, came out loving it. I met someone online but like the OP kept it casual for a couple of months before talking about going exclusive.
We deleted our profiles a little while ago.
I think the key is just to be open and honest about how you feel with him, if you let it build up it becomes a massive deal and then can be blown out of proportion. If he genuinely cares about you, he'll do what's necessary to reassure you and not make you doubt him.

Relax and enjoy 😊