Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Son keeps coming home

18 replies

Meg321 · 11/10/2018 15:07

My son moved in with his girl friend 2 and half years ago. They are buying a house together, both have good jobs and a good social life.

My son was coming over every Tuesday and staying the night. He said it helps because my house is nearer to his job than thier house and he is tired of the traveling.
Then he started coming over on some Wednesdays and staying the night; he said the traffic was bad.

Now he has told me he will be coming over Mondays and Thursday to stay.

I was ok with the Tuesday and of course it is always good to see my son, love him to bits.

I'm just a bit miffed that he just assumes it's ok. Tuesday was ok but I'm not happy with twice a week he now says he will come.

I have a boyfriend whom my son doesn't like so I never talk to my son about him and I keep them apart. I hate this situation, it is really upsetting me. I feel like the child and my son is monitoring me. I know that may not be the case it just feels that way.

How can I get control of my own house without upsetting my son and making him feel he is not wanted as I have a boyfriend.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 11/10/2018 15:09

Tell him he's got his own house to stay in! Are him and his girlfriend having difficulties?

Aussiebean · 11/10/2018 15:18

Tell him if he is starting to stay that much then he needs to start contributing to food, water etc.

He will also have to cook and pay for a meal at least one of those times.

Or go the concerned parent root. Start questioning his relationship. Why else would he be over so much?

Keep up with the probing questions. If there is a problem you are forwarned and if not he may keep away.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/10/2018 15:23

Just tell him, be plain.

He is a grown up, he has his own home and a partner, so do you!

He needs to move out fully and allow you to have your own life. He may think YOU need the help; he may think he has to be the man in your life, be your protector. You need to tell him he does not, that he needs to live his own life.

And yes, that may well include NOT being welcome to treat your home as if it is still his!

Merrz · 11/10/2018 15:24

I would be wondering if him and his girlfriend are having problems, why else would he want to go stay with his mum 2 nights a week??
You could tell him he's welcome anytime but you don't think its very healthy for his relationship for him to not be going home 2 nights a week

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2018 15:24

Just tell him no.
Blimey. This is an easy one.
Sorry son, but you have your own house. This is my house. BF will be here and I don't want you to clash so doing this on a regular basis will NOT work. I don't mind once or twice a month but once or twice a week is not OK. I'm finally free and living my own life and I really don't want to backtrack and have you practically moving back in. Sorry again son but this just won't work for me.
DONE!!!!

Original poster

Meg321 · 11/10/2018 16:18

Thank you all for your response.
I queried if they have problems. All he told me is that he is fed up of her asking about marriage which he doesn't want. I do wonder if this will last and if it doesn't I don't want him moving back in. He is 29 now.

So 'hellsbellsmelons' I think I have to say what you have put, it really sums it up for me and I don't think it sounds harsh. Thanks because I was struggling how to put it to him.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 11/10/2018 16:33

Don't you have your bf over when your DS is staying with you?

Cawfee · 12/10/2018 01:10

Nip it in the bud now because it sounds like they are on the verge of breaking up and he’ll end up moving back in permanently!

BoomTish · 12/10/2018 01:12

He’s trying to control you.

Gemini69 · 12/10/2018 01:44

Tell him to go home and sort it out.. but he can't take over your sanctuary.... just because his own home doesn't suit....

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2018 03:56

He's willing to buy a home with her but not willing to get married? Tell him to grow up and stay at his own bloody house. You're not running a damn hotel.

AgentJohnson · 12/10/2018 06:29

Hell no, don’t be his ‘place to escape to avoid being a grown up and dealing with shit’. His gf must love you for enabling this shit.

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/10/2018 06:34

Apart from the dact you don't like it, but I wonder about the effect on his girlfriend. I know he's your angel but is it possible he's using this as a tactic to control her and quash her requests for marriage and more commitment? "I don't need you, I can go to my mum's whenever i like so take what I'm offering and shut up".

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/10/2018 06:42

So if she wants marriage and presumably children. They live together why doesn't he want to get married. He is not getting any younger and if the relationship is moving in a direction he doesn't want then why stay together.

Otoh at 29 he will get another gf but at some point in the next few years the same topic is going to drive them apart.

Moving back after a split might be OK for a limited time but it is not a permanent solution

Mary1935 · 12/10/2018 07:02

He needs to buy his own home or rent privately.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/10/2018 07:24

I have a boyfriend whom my son doesn't like so I never talk to my son about him and I keep them apart Don't keep them apart live your life the way you want and that involves your BF. Your son is trying to control you by telling you that he is staying at your house Monday to Thursday, so you don't see your bf.

Why isn't your son asking you if he can stay the night, he shouldn't be telling you it's no longer his home.

You need to make it clear to him that you are now living a different life then you were when he was a child and that included your BF and he will treat him respect and not be rude or insulting as you are with his friends and if he feels unable to do that then he not welcome to come and go as he pleases and you will confirm if he can stay at your home if and only if it convenient.

chestylarue52 · 12/10/2018 09:25

It’s quite telling that you say ‘I don’t want him moving back in’.

At his age if I wanted to move back in with my folks I’d have to ask, very nicely, along with a outline of how much money I was going to contribute, and cross my fingers and hope for them to say yes.

Even now I will call my mum and say ‘I was thinking of visiting xyz dates, is this convenient’.

HeebieJeebies456 · 12/10/2018 16:00

I don't want him moving back

So you tell him to decide whether he wants to be with his gf or not.
If not, then he can take his share of the house-buying money/savings etc and get his own place.

TELL him he's NOT staying/escaping to your house anymore and he will NOT be moving back in.

STOP pandering to him, he's a grown man.
Have your bf round as often as YOU want, it's your house and your rules - not your son's.

Did he always live with you before moving in with his gf?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread