I don't want this anymore

[mom2be18]

My DH works away Monday to Friday and I'm currently pregnant.

He used to work away when we first met and stopped as we found we missed each other a lot.

Now he's back doing it and whilst I understand he's earning more money than he would be if he was working locally, I'm finding it quite miserable (now I am sure he is too, so don't mean to feel sorry for myself).

He works and then goes out each evening whereas I am working and pretty much eating/cleaning and going to bed as I'm so tired. I guess you could say I was envious of that actually.

Mainly though, I just feel really lonely. I hate waking up alone and going to bed alone l, eating my tea alone (again, I know loads of people do this and I am being a bit pathetic - but it's how I feel).

I'd love for him to earn a bit less and come home, or even just work away a couple of times a week rather than the whole week.

I don't want to say anything though incase I sound ungrateful for his hard work.

Life is short and I miss my husband.

Am I being a whiny wimp or shall I discuss this with him?

I would suggest that your feelings of insecurity are based a lot more on his working away and going for a drink after work.

The subsequent posts hint of issues that are not being addressed or managed in your partnership. Essentially it about is money and work. You both need to sit down and agree how you will share money and to what extent you are able to tolerate each other’s career / working life ambitions. In that conversation you definitely need to cover what happens when the children arrive and how much it will cost in terms of £ and time. For both of you. That’s at least 18 years of money and time you are both committed to, whether you stay together or not. Factor in unemployment because it is a reality. A good and fair division of money and time is needed to raise a child in the 21 century.

I would add that somewhere in that you are both entitled to some relaxation and pleasure. A drink after work when away would be ok with me if affordable, yes you can have a cheap soft drink.

Working away may be unavoidable for you both at this moment but agree all the other stuff. It’s not a wait and see situation, you are both now responsible for a child for 18 years.

I think creating an environment of stability and security is essential for the child but it will help you too. Have the conversation.

offside, are you for real, my insecurities, why because my husband chooses not to go to the pub every night he works away, yeah we've been together 18 years and very happy thanks, you sound positively pathetic.

Airbnbs are usually far cheaper than a Hotel actually, my husband has been using them for quite a few years now, BnBs also have kitchen facilities, god knows why every one is banging on about him using a Hotel, even then they may have a kitchenette with a microwave if they take in workers during the week, it's common sense.

You don't even what business her husband works in.

You are the one missing the point, how do you know he's not drinking with his mate, you're making some assumptions, fact is, going to the pub even for dinner and a soft drink every night costs money, would he do that at home, nah, doubt it.

Maybe read the OPs thread, she's not happy about this arrangement, she is pregnant and at home on her own, maybe think about it from her perspective, she has every right to feel uneasy about the arrangement.

I still think you’re missing your point, maybe he doesn’t have a choice where he stays. And of course he wouldn’t go to the pub every night if at home but how do you know how much his expenses are? How do you know how much he’s spending?

As for Airbnb’s, they’re not readily available everywhere in the country, and some of them won’t accept workers, some of them will only accept specific stays so it’s not as easy to find an Airbnb as you might suggest.

I never said he wasn’t, I said the OP hasn’t said he’s going out on the piss every night and I doubt that he’d be able to if he was having to get up every morning for work. I never said I did know what he did for a job which is why I gave the examples of working in trades or corporate which is my experience. Seems I’ve hit a nerve.

Maybe your DH doesn’t go to the pub every night when he’s away because he’s a bit concerned at how you might react.

And if you read my first post you will actually see that I said the OP is entitled to feel whatever way she feels, but I felt like the pub was a bit of red herring as the OP herself said that she doesn’t really have an issue with it other than feeling envious.

Take a breath, Adora.

FWIW, I've been saving for a long time for baby's arrival and whilst I am not going to be living a luxury life on maternity, I've ensured I'll have enough money to still put half to the bills each month and enough for me and baby get by - as in pure minimum in case something goes wrong and DH doesn't give me any more money than he is at the moment.

To be fair to him, I think he'd give me his last penny if I asked. He's just crap with money and can't say no to people so pays for some of his family members bills which dents his income.

I know it's terrible, but I feel I can't ask for any more from him because everyone else already does.

Yes, I realise that's got to change and to be honest this thread is making me realise I'm quite scared of bringing up my concerns with my DH and I can't understand why. He is a good man and never snapped at me before so why am I so worried!😩

offside, my husband has been using Airbnbs for years now. Even if he is in a hotel, usually a hotel that accepts working people on a weekly basis provides some basic kitchen amenities.

Plenty folk can go out and have a few drinks of alcohol without getting pissed and still get up for work, your arguments are so weak they are pointless, you just sound like you want to score points against my opinion, I've already said some folk are A ok with their partners doing this, I wouldn't be and I know the OP is not happy with the arrangement.

You have not hit a never, you are just a goady idiot who sounds really immature.

But your best line is this one:
Maybe your DH doesn't go to the pub every night when he's away because he's a bit concerned at how you might react,

That has actually given me the best laugh. Do you not think if that was the case he'd not tell me then haha? How would I know?

The OP is definitely entitled to feel the way she does.

You go lie down now, you've done your bitching for one day.

OP, that is worrying, you talk about yourself in the singular, you are putting money away for baby, why not him?

Why is he giving money to family members when he has a family now to take care of, I would honestly sit him down and discuss the finances better, it sounds like it's all on your shoulders.

If he's as nice as you say it shouldn't be a problem, you are married with a baby on the way, he needs to also be responsible.

I am sorry offside has turned your thread into a go at me and my marriage, very strange but you need to discuss what is going to happen when baby arrives and equally put into the money pot as well as sharing the parenting.

It will be fine love.

Sit him down for a cosy chat at the weekend about your concerns.

It's sounds nice and maybe it will be a relief for you to say he needs to put money away for his baby not pay his family s bills

OP,

Why did you get married? What did you expect from it and what do you think a marriage is?

Adora, I think the fact you turn to personal insults shows more of a level of immaturity than I’ve ever shown on MN. Those who turn it personal know they’re losing a (imaginary) battle.

OP, you need to think about why you're scared to bring all this up.

Your circumstances are changing with the baby due to arrive, so you need to have a proper talk about everything. If he continues to work away like this, you'll effectively be a single parent during the week. You're already lonely, being on maternity leave with a newborn and no support from him during the week will be even lonelier.

Also, you both need to be transparent about finances, and pooling your resources, putting your own little family unit first. Has he saved anything for your maternity leave? If not, why not? This is a baby you planned for together, why would you be the one taking the sole financial hit for it?

and [discuss how you'll be] pooling your resources

You feel you can’t ask him for money because that’s what all his family do ?!
You are married to the man and about to have a baby. Have you discussed losing your income when you go on maternity leave at all ?
You need to sit down together and discuss your future plans.

Are you actually married?

You say DH but your attitude to money is decidedly singular.

When you are married there is no his money and her money. Legally. So I'm very confused.

and can't say no to people so pays for some of his family members bills which dents his income

Err what?

This is his child you're worried about asking him for money for. It's not like you are wanting him to buy expensive treats. And I don't like the talk of him 'giving' you money. Do you have a joint account, one you can both transfer money into from your wages so you pay the bills from that but both still have some financial independence?

Being pregnant is a massive shift OP. I felt weirdly vulnerable and relied on my DH more in those 9 months each time than I've done any other time in the last 25 years. Normally I'm very if not too independent.

When he's home next, tell him how you're feeling and that you don't think this decision is now working for you. It's OK to change how you're feeling and perfectly understandable.

Well he arguably wouldn't need to earn as much if he wasn't going to the pub every night dude...

Before him being unemployed for a while we did have much better finances and communication, but since he's got back into work (5 weeks now) it's just not been mentioned and I wanted to give him some time to get back on his feet. Plus his circumstances for unemployment weren't great and I can't be sure it won't happen again, so that's why I try to ensure I've got enough put away. Just incase.

You sound incredibly passive op.

Why are you frightened of talking to your husband about these things?

What do you mean "his circumstances for unemployment weren't great and I can't be sure it won't happen again"?

Did he get fired? Chuck in his job? Health reasons?

I regularly work away, I'm out every night for dinner & drinks when I am, however as I'm out on business that's expenses. So not unusual

I think you need to sit and talk about plans especially when baby arrives.

Nobody is questioning your commitment and preparation for being a mother and a supportive wife but ....

What expectations do you have of him as a father and a husband?

What do you think his responsibilities are now you are pregnant and married ?

You seem to have a very low standard for him. Why is that ?

OP I’m pregnant too and I’ve felt really vulnerable at points - it’s hard because of hormones, tiredness, lack of sleep, obviously your body changing and then all the stuff you used to do you can’t - I went out for work drinks last night and it’s okay but it’s hard when you’re shattered and drinking water and everyone else is getting hammered, you’re just not in the same place. But even though you can’t really do it, it’s hard not to feel bored and boring and left out and lonely sometimes!

I think honestly going to the pub every night is a bit much - I don’t think it’s unfair for you to suggest some nights he stays in and saves money like you have. Kind of surprised by some of the responses on this thread.

Hope you’re feeling happy and healthy otherwise