Partner opting to work away what can it mean AIBU

[Issy777]

Wrote a few posts about so working away, it's the nature of his job n I know there's not much I can do but it's starting to feel like he doesn't want to be at home...

Perfect example. His job have recently been stationed in a location where he'd have to work away , basically it was like a rota so they all had turns, he did his two weeks ago and then last week was told he had to go down to show another colleague how to use this particular software, it was only a night although it was with another woman who had previously come onto him a few years back
Now, this week he's told me he has to go from Monday-Wednesday night to cover someone,
Thought this was a bit weird cos it was on a rota base but it came out he'd actually VOLUNTEERED to go, really hurt me that he'd rather be working away then spending time with me and our daughters! Youngest dd is only 10 months so to see her more is great,
Also he does the picking youngest dd on Monday as it's from his parents house so we've had to arrange they drop her to me at work (they live quite far out) so I do feel sorry for them as this is will be third week they're doing it, but cos he is their son they've just said it's fine

I'm hurt because him volunteering to go shows he'd rather be away from us. It's even got me thinking has he got another woman there?! He has been more on his phone lately, also in a bit emotional cos I'm having to do all the Mum duties by myself after having a full day at work,
It's been a really stressful few weeks for me at work also n to know I've gotta come home n do all the routine by myself is quite daunting but obviously he doesn't seem to care??!

AIBU? His job does entail him to work away occasionally depending on availability and flexibility but it' has been quite difficult for me :(

Have you spoken to him about it?

@loveyoutothemoon

He says I'm being unreasonable when I try to reach out to him. Always says "it's work" "can't be helped" "I had availability "

New location, he is a mentor, it has added a little bit. I think that sometimes one needs to step up, whether because it is expected or want to "gain points" for promotion, etc. You are a team, you need to support him as well as he needs to support you. A few random days here and there will be hard, but you can do it.

I am a single mom, since my kids were newborn and 26 months old, work full time and I have no family in this country. To me, a few days is what couples do for each other.

Sorry, wrote that too fast as I was switching in my commute. Your feelings are under stable, specially with a very small baby. But I think it is not unreasonable for your DH to do it. If it becomes more frequent, then it is a different situation. You have help from your in laws and it looks just a few spare days. And from what you have said I see no indication of an affair.

@tabularasa35

Hi thanks for your response. He has been more distant/snappy with me before he goes, he did this the first week too! Hence my idea he might be meeting ow there.

I know what you mean . I think it's more I'm resentful in that way that he gets to still have his freedom - going out to dinner, staying in fine dining hotels, not having to do the night wake ups etc whereas I have t had one day out or a night off. We never go on dates together and because I work 30 hours a week I have no energy or time to go see friends as I just wanna spend as much time with kids esp dd 2 as she's only 10 months.

He'a just seeming more and more selfish. Don't know if it's a passing phase but it is getting me down/anxious

You are possibly caught in a typical vicious circle that arises with stress and fatigue.

You are knackered and therefore need his support. He sees you stressed and not so much fun to be around and that stresses him so he wants to be avoid that stressful situation. You become more exhausted, resentful and suspicious, it makes you even more unpleasant to be around and gives him even more an excuse to stay away.

You urgently need to talk and both need to be honest and listen to the other putting aside the hurt of the words. You are likely both right on how you feel. Come up with what efforts both need to make and stick to them.

You need to find each other again and feel part of her team rather then becoming enemies.

@swingofthings

I honestly feel your reply would make sense and that sounds right but I swear I literally do everything round the house. He literally doesn't have to do anything when he gets home from work, I make sure I'm attentive listen to hisvday ( he hardly asks about mine) we also have sex whenever HE wants! It's always been on his terms so I'm just confused because if that is the case I can honestly say there's not much else I can do!! Without neglecting the kids

All I ca. Think off is maybe he prefers the single life. We split up roughly around three years ago and had a year apart. When we got back together I was soon pregnant with dd so maybe he's still adjusting? It's just really selfish
Also, he always accuses me of cheating or txting other men so I don't see why I shouldn't to him if he's acting suspicious

I just feel I'm getting really sick of it now and don't know how to make things right

Sorry I didn't mean in terms of him thinking that you don't do enough but that you actually do and it's his feeling that it makes you grumpy, resentful, snappy, etc... that puts him under pressure.

I was in a similar situation and even though I wasn't in the wrong, I didn't fully realise how stress was making me not very much fun to be with. It's when my best friend snapped at mm e one day saying I needed to be more positive that I realised that I had turned into a feeling sorry for myself character which was quite suffocating and it had ended up making my OH anxious rather than supportive.

It might not be the case for you, just a suggestion.

The "I had availability" would get my back up- he has availability only on the assumption that others can pick up the slack for him. What makes you default childcarer?

But it does sound like there are bigger issues here and whether he could be having an affair. Do some digging op.

This does not sound like a man who is pulling all the stops at work to get a promotion for his family. He sounds like someone who is only looking out for himself.

OP, your gut is sending strong signals about an OW. Have you thought about how much he brings to the table and what would happen if you had a arrangement by a court which was more formalised.

Not necessarily saying LTB but start to get your ducks in a row.

Thanks yes this is exactly why I posted on here cos if I mention this to a friend they're always quite biased regarding him - basically they never liked him anyway so I prefer to ask on here, stare all the facts as best as I can so it's a neutral view

But yes you're right he is pretty selfish, he puts my job down saying it's nothing and rubbish so uses that as his crutch that his job is very high up so he should be the one to take promotions or work longer hours etc. Not that I mind because I would prefer to be more with my kids if I'm honest

The ow scenario is based on him being unfaithful in the past so I do get paranoid. Sometimes I think maybe is just me and I need someone to tell me to get a grip which again is why I post on here hoping that someone could see things clearly.

Thanks for everyone's input

@OliviaBenson

Th thing is though I don't have a problem with him doing extra duties, it's just in this particular situation he did not need to volunteer as he had already gone above and beyond anyhow. He had his "week" and then it was supposed to be the next persons turn but they asked if he could go down to help them so he did but then the third week running, he put himself forward again
Didn't even mention his childcare duties etc and just assumed I'd be fine with it! So lack of communication!?!

Also, see it from this POV if we were split up, he would have his set days/duties with the children that he'd have to abide to

I'm hurt because him volunteering to go shows he'd rather be away from us.

Or that he wants more money to provide for you.

Or that he's looking to be known as a reliable employee.

Or that he wants a promotion.

In and of itself, the choice to work away means very little.

However if both of you are arguing all the time, you're suspicious, he's stressed, you're resentful, he's defensive, then of course he might want some time away from you. Nobody wants to spend more time than they have to in a situation that is unpleasant.

So the solution to that is to make the situation more pleasant. The only way that's going to happen is with a long conversation about your feelings, his feelings, what this relationship is to both of you, what your jobs mean to both of you, and what your priorities are. He needs to engage with you emotionally, and you need to stop treating him like a hostile entity, because if you treat someone like that, that's what they end up being.

All of this paranoia about another woman and everything is just a symptom of a relationship where neither of you are fundamentally happy. If you were, you wouldn't be posting on here, and he wouldn't be taking every available chance to get out of the house. It's a symptom, not a cause.

Ok, so he's choosing to opt out of family life by working away. He's had an affair in the past & is not making any contribution to family life, beyond his salary. He does not sound a respectful, loving, caring partner. Sorry.

Sethis, how about he is the cause and OP is unhappy because of him.

What you wrote may be fine if there were no other indications but he already has form for cheating. Instead, it reads like victim blaming.

It sounds like the situation in itself isn't the cause of the issues but is exacerbating them. It sounds like you need some time off. I can understand being annoyed that he's volunteering for work to go away for a few days...assuming he's never volunteered to take over at home for a few days so you can get away?

In and of itself the going away in other contexts doesn't sound like an issue but it sounds like you need a serious chat about how you're currently sharing the parental workload.

how about he is the cause and OP is unhappy because of him.

Without specific actions being listed, it's hard to assign blame in a binary fashion, as I try to keep an open mind. I mean, we've been told a lot about the OPs feelings, but there's also a lot of assumptions being made.

What you wrote may be fine if there were no other indications but he already has form for cheating.

I can certainly see how that's a contributing factor, and I don't minimise it. If my partner was ever unfaithful then that would be the end of the relationship, period, for me.

However I can also imagine an instance where a past mistake is colouring the perception of the OP about the actions of her DP in the here and now. The DP is aware of this, and is resentful that he's being suspected at this moment because of a mistake made in the past. I'm not saying the DP is right, at all, but it's a good illustration of why IMO infidelity = end of a relationship, because it causes trust issues essentially for the rest of your lives together.

Instead, it reads like victim blaming.

Absolutely not my intent, apologies if it came across in that fashion. I simply want to suggest that assumptions and suspicions and negative feelings aren't going to go away without action being taken - a conversation does need to happen, from my perspective, and I apologise if I missed the tone I was searching for.

Okay...so

1. He's cheated before

2. He accuses you of cheating.

3. He's selfish

4. You do all the work around the house

5. He belittles your job

6. He's choosing to be away as he has availability

7. Sex is always on his terms

I'm not seeing a lot of good in him.
Why are with him? He's selfish and untrustworthy.