Help for an angry ogre...

[Thedragon55]

4 months post-partum.
I am so, so angry with my DP after he went back on an agreement we made during my pregnancy with DC2 regarding him leaving me alone with the children at weekends.

I suffered PND with DC1. So far I havent had it with DC2 but I often feel its brewing due to how I'm feeling about DP.

Relationship with DP is at breaking point. He's low and fed up with work and hasnt been a great support to me during pregnancy and with the baby after suffering numerous problems and health concerns.

I've tried speaking to him about the way I'm feeling about different things and he just tells me I'm unreasonable. My anger towards him continues bubbling away. Separation is on the cards but can not go ahead just yet due to practicalities of having young children etc.

I am becoming quite nasty with him at times and feel like an ogre. Yesterday, it was because I felt he wasnt moving fast enough during the childrens bedtimes. I dont get a break at all. He sleeps in the spare room so I see to the baby all night. I feel trapped. I called him horrible names and immediately felt like an ogre. But thats not the real problem, its all part of a bigger picture.

I cant shake this anger and disappointment I feel towards him. We are together purely for practical reasons.

This morning he refused to speak to me and didn't wake me up for the school run after I slept through my alarm due to a bad night with the baby.

Im lying on my sofa feeling miserable after cancelling plans with friends.

Im on the road to pnd again but its because of my DP and how I feel towards him, not because of my baby.

Does DP owe me a bit of understanding or is he correct to be giving me the silent treatment?

I don't know what to do and I feel so miserable. Please try to be kind, I already feel rubbish.

I've been where you are and it's awful.

Sleep deprivation and hormonal
And a husband working 12 hours nights.

I just felt shit about everything and took it all out on dp.

Looking back there was so much I could have done differently.

Sounds like you both have got your plates full.

Have you got any parents to help out - I hadn't

I was so inexperienced and we sadly didn't make it as a couple.

I wouldn't recommend single parent hood either.

You've got no help and less money.

This baby stage does last forever though it seems like it.

I was a year before she slept through.

Just try and organise your day in a way that's works for you.

Can you get your head down in the day.

Once you get your focus off all your dp's fault the real problems will present.

Then you at least know what you need to tackle and can start to systematically figure away through it.

Forget about him for now he's just an easy target to vent on.

As women we are a lot stronger than we have been led
To believe and a lot more capable.

I find I can cope with most things now once I put my mind to it.

I no longer need my dh (married again and had further child with new man ) to prop me up on a bad day.

I have developed confidence I never New I had.

Reach deep you can do this.

You might even find once you lay off your dp he may even start to pitch.

Just let him but carry on developing yourself.

Good luck.

What are the chances of getting to relationship counselling?

It sounds like it might be something you could work through together and that it might be the strain of very young dc on the relationship, exhaustion and poor communication. But it depends what you feel is left in the tank.

So you do everything and he has left you to do everything at the weekends also, what a horrible selfish git, totally understand how you are angry; to be honest, men like this very rarely change, they are entitled and are shit partners and fathers. I'd be given him an ultimatum, he either takes part in family life or you are going to go it alone, at least then he'd have to actually parent his own kids! And pay for them.

And you'd maybe get five minutes to yourself.

Thanks for your responses.

Hormones definitely play a huge roll and I treated him similarly after DC1 was born, things improved, I vowed never to go there again and here we are.

Its hormones and feeling trapped. The o ly way I can lash out of my cage is with words and the only person I can do it to is him. Plus, he has a key to get out of the cage now and then, I don't.

I love being a mum and I love my children but by cage I mean the routine and monotonity of everything. Plus I'm strapped to a cluster feeding baby most evenings.

I think you've answered your own question so we'll done.
Your inner woman is staring to take over again.

Don't beat yourself up about snapping at dp

Sounds like he knows why you're like this and more importantly you'll come out the other side again.

I know it's hard. Just hang in there.

I quite like that it could be down to my "inner woman."
Wanting to break free?
I felt this anger again this morning, just pure rage. I keep trying to control it but it continues to surface. It faded when DC1 turned around 18 months last time. I really hope it doesn't last that long.

Ive received an email from DP saying that he's not willing to accept verbal abuse from me anymore.
Sent this morning and I've only just seen it and DP hasnt mentioned he had sent anything even though I've been in his company all evening.
He said he will help me work on strategies to control it, but I know he won't really. He ends the email saying that we need to look at other options moving forward if I don't stop being verbally abusive towards him.

I know he won't explore the reasons why this is happening with me but expect instant change. I know I can't just stop this easily.

Not sure what to do.

What is he planning to do on weekends?

To be fair, if a guy came on and said his wife was verbally abusive, he’d get sympathy. It’s difficult t9 sympathise when you say you know you’re doing this. You need to get help, OP. He sounds depressed, so do you. If he’s leaving you alone at weekends, is it because you’re being abusive?

Who had the problems and health concerns, you or him?

Ok great he’s going to help you work on strategies to control it. Here’s where he’s going to start: write a list of what you need him to do in order to support you and share the burden of parenting jointly. Give him he list. Wait and see what he does.

If he still doesn’t get it then things are over I’m afraid and your anger is extremely justified particularly if you discussed this before having children and he had promised to do his share.

That’s not to say that verbal abuse is ok, mind you. If it’s over then it’s over, don’t try and stay together, it will make you feel a million times worse and more powerless and frustrated.

Op, why don't you make a list of (reasonable and doable) things he can do daily to help, ie an hour so you can go out/have a bath a couple of times a day EVERY day.(around baby of course)

And a chunk of time at the weekend where you can swim/walk meet a friend for coffee, even an hour can make a huge difference if you have it to look forward to all day.

In return offer HIM a commitment to not be verbally abusive..
You have to find something to help you hold your tongue, when the red mist descends.....for say 15 minutes?
can you march up and down the stairs, with headphones on? (it soon calms you when you are walking up stairs and puffing!, and the music will distract you) or find something you can do instantly to stop the reaction.

I had Pre natal depression with both my Dcs, and the black mist was unbearable, BUT the second time l knew it would end and just gritted my teeth silently, rather than driving my DH round the bend with my negativity as l had first time......it was much better....

Do it for a week then discuss calmly at the end and repeat.....

Email him back. With all your concerns. And then tell him what you need him to do. And make a pact.

That actually sounds like postnatal rage. It's not talked about or understood as well as PND and postnatal anxiety although if you have one of those the chances of getting rage too are higher.