Should I trust my instincts?

[Siblingorparents]

I’ve been dating a lovely man for some months. We are both divorced, no children and ready to grow old with each other.

We haven’t met each other’s family yet but we’ve started to make serious plans to do so. His parents sound lovely and have never put any pressure to meet although they have expressed interest and always ask after me.

However, I’m a little nervous of his sister. She is the baby of the family (although in her forties) and strangely appears to be the matriarch of the family. She has demanded asked to meet on several occasions but I wanted to wait until it was the right time.

I get the feeling that she resents this. Although dp is very fond of her and they gave a great relationship, he has expressed exasperation at times about her bossy nature. However, he does always excuse it as he is sympathetic and interprets it as her insecurities.

She has invited us over for tea next weekend and has strongly expressed to dp that she wants to meet me before I meet their parents.

My instincts say no. I would prefer to meet his parents first. Or together. But I don’t want to meet her first as it feels to me that she is trying to create a power dynamic.

AIBU and paranoid?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, just aware.What does your dp think?

I don’t think it matters, does it. If his parents are lovely and your dp wants to be with you, anything she says won’t make any difference.
She sounds a little spoilt or maybe just curious & impatient but that’s her problem, not yours.

Thanks for posting Seniorschoolmum.

DP is completely relaxed about it all and just wants me to feel comfortable about meeting his family. He has jokingly said that his sister is someone most people are afraid of and therefore dance to her tune, however being her older brother he knows how to sit on her!

I just hope she doesn’t turn out to be the SIL from hell. His parents sound very supportive of both children and offer her round the clock childcare which she has already expressed nervousness over in case we have dcs ourselves (unlikely as I’m peri menopausel)

It sounds like she's anticipating change to the dynamic before even meeting you. Unless DPs parents are particularly vulnerable for some reason I would feel disrespectful not meeting them first. Could you not politely decline her invitation and say that actually you were planning to invite everyone to your or DPs place for dinner, lunch etc but you'd love for her to come.That means that things will happen on your terms and you can meet everyone together. I think it's important to start that relationship feeling equal if she has a tendency to be quite dominating.

Unless DPs parents are particularly vulnerable for some reason I would feel disrespectful not meeting them first

Yes! Spot on! Thank you, this is exactly how I feel.

Unfortunately we can’t have a get together at either dps or mine as we both houseshare with other people and it’s unlikely it’ll work unless we invite our housemates too which I don’t think I want to do for the first meet.

But I will stick to my guns I think and go round to his folks for tea first and she’s welcome to join if she wants to.

No matter who you decide to meet first, never forget that she has NO power over you. Whatever her insecurities may be, those are HER problem, not yours.

I agree meet the parents first at their house. She sounds as though she wants to be in charge and could be trouble

I would meet the parents first, invite her to join too.

Where is all the information about the sister coming from? Is it all from your DP? I don’t think it would be a big deal to meet with her first, I’ve met partners’ siblings before their parents in the past and it’s never been a big deal.

Feels like this is based on what your DP is telling you and is possibly being blown up into something that’s bigger than it actually is. It feels odd that he’d be telling you all this stuff she’s been saying. If I was you I’d want to meet her and make my own mind up - she could be lovely! Or she could be a nightmare. But at least it would be your decision, not his.

I think you're over thinking! You should be flattered they're so interested in meeting you! Be careful you're not giving off an unfriendly or even bossy vibe wanting to have it all on your terms. I'm not meaning that nastily at all, (it's hard when writing as you can't tell how I'm saying it!) I just mean first impressions count and you've already decided about his sister based in your perceptions, hopefully she hasn't done the same. I'd relax and meet her first if that's how it's panned out. Good luck

You are over thinking, not helped by your OH giving you a picture of an ogre!

Give her a chance, base your opinions on someone by your own deduction, not someone else's; if she has invited you for tea and the parents have not then I don't see why you would not go; she might be perfectly nice to you, if not, then you don't go back!

Meet them all together as meeting your SIL first may seem odd to his parents and will reinforce any negative dynamic.

Go into this with an open heart and mind, your SIL may just love her brother and be very keen to meet you in the nicest possible way. Give her a chance.

If his sister is already worried the op will muscle in elbows flying on her planned future childcare arrangements your instincts are spot on. Meet the parents first . Be very friendly and do your best to establish common ground for years of happy family catch ups but don’t worry too much about what she thinks and don’t pander.

I didn’t realise there was supposed to be some kind of hierarchy in the order in which you meet people’s families. In your insistence that you don’t meet her you sound as bad as she does, why do you give a chuff?