Do you feel desired / appreciated by your partner?

[sophiapath]

I've been with DP for four years.

We don't date anymore. We don't go away together. We barely have sex. I don't feel particularly wanted by or attractive to him, although I do feel loved. He does do small things like buying flowers and chocolates. He hasn't proposed nor does he really engage in talks about marriage.

Someone (not DP) has been paying me a lot of attention lately. I haven't and won't act on it but it's made me feel sad that I can't get this feeling of being special or being desired from my current relationship.

Are all LTRs like mine? Does your partner still date you? Take you away? Plan things? Jump on you because you're hot?!

(This is going to be almost a reply to myself!).

If you're not going away together, why not? Why is it HIS responsibility to make it happen and not yours? Do you instigate sex or do you leave it up to him? You don't write about rejection, so I assume that you leave the initiation up to him...

He buys flowers and chocolates. That's his currency, so what do you ever buy for him?

Don't assume he won't propose until you've communicated that that is how you see your future. He may 'assume' that you're not bothered and be a bit non-committal.

Does your partner still date you? Take you away? Plan things? Jump on you because you're hot?!

Nope. Nope, unless I book it. Nope, unless it's for himself. Yes, all the bloody time however, do you ever jump on him because he's hot?

Honestly, I can't afford to take us both away. He earns considerably more than me and I just can't afford to book a hotel out of my disposable income.

For our anniversary last year, I arranged us a date for every month for the coming year as a "present" to him. Since we've done those, he's arranged nothing.

We both instigate sex but probably me more often. That doesn't say much though - once or twice a month.

No I don't find him hot. I find him annoying to live with and messy and it frustrates me that he can be so efficient at work and so fucking useless at home. I've been waiting for a year for him to fix a door but he won't let me pay someone else to come and do it. I don't desire him particularly, no.

I think I'm answering my own questions here too!

And I have mentioned marriage four or five times. He just clams up. The first time was hilarious, the thought had obviously never ever crossed his mind (2.5 years into our relationship!).

Not that I particularly want marriage much at this point, to add! But it's just another example of feeling like he's not really that into me anymore.

No I don't find him hot. I find him annoying to live with and messy and it frustrates me that he can be so efficient at work and so fucking useless at home. I've been waiting for a year for him to fix a door but he won't let me pay someone else to come and do it. I don't desire him particularly, no.

How does he find living with you? I'm not being arsey, by the way, I'm just throwing some stuff back at you, in case it requires some thought! I have my reasons

Talk to him. Tell him the things that you've said here as a starting point and see whether the communication will get you to a better place. Switch off the TV, phones, whatever, and really look at each other. It's easy to fall into a habit...

It took DH 5 years to propose and took both of us another 4 years to decide on actually marrying, so time is just ... personal.

To be honest, he sounds like hassle you could do without. Unless you’re truly mad about him I’d ditch him. Do you have mortgages/rental agreements? Do you have kids with him? If not then it’s easy to get rid. For reference, I’ve been with my DP for three and a half years. We don’t live together but spend 5 nights a week together. We have sex 3-4 times a week, and split cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. If it’s not making you happy then leave.

Why do you want to marry someone you feel this way about? Sounds like neither of you are really that in to each other. I don't think making a long term commitment is a good idea is it unless you're able to communicate and rekindle what it was that you saw in each other earlier in the relationship.

I just feel for you X know what it's like x

I'm in a similar position op but with a 10yr relationship and 2dc.
Im bored shitless by him and like you have received attention from someone else which seems to magnify the situation at home.

We're like housemates and don't even sleep in the same bed. Not what I imagined life to look like at 40

You obviously do love each other and want it to work out.

I think you should spend time and money on couple counselling not trips away. You both need to talk and listen to each other.

That thing about the door handle would drive me mad. It’s disrespectful to you and what you care about. But it is learned behaviour from his family/previous relationships and needs unpacking with a professional so he understands the impact on you and why he does things like that.

The door handle thing sounds familiar to me.
My dad put a couple of new doors up when I was a child.
But didn't do the handles.
So for years we used to have to put our fingers through the hole (where the handle would eventually go) to open the door.

This was 50 years ago.
Parent long dead.
They loved each other very much.

In recounting the story to my dh he seemed to think it was a bit of rebellion by my dad.

Dad could have done them at any point.

Dh said it may have been trying to gain a tiny bit of control.
(Mum was great but could act a bit spoilt - only child )

Couple counselling would really be good for you both.

Help point stuff like this.

Why is it his job to fix the door? Can't you fix it?

You say he won't allow you to get someone in to fix it? Do you have to ask permission to do things then?

You say you don't find him hot or desirable? Did you previously?

All sounds pointless to me. Quit while you're behind.

I'm not sure what either of you are getting out of this relationship quite frankly. You don't fancy him and find him annoying! What are the plus points of this relationship? If you have kids together, it's worth working on, but if not, what's holding you together now and in the future?

Why are you together at all?. Out of habit, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this relationship for you that is still worth having?

Doesn't sound like a great relationship to me tbh. Have you got kids? If not, I'd get out while I still could and find someone that I truly click with.

Are all LTRs like mine? no

Does your partner still date you? yes, were you g to see a band I like at the weekend. DH isn't interested in the band and won't dance but he said he'd come with me because no-one else wants to go and I don't want to go by myself.

Take you away? Plan things? well, we've been together for 17 years now so it's more a case of us taking each other away, we plan things together.

Jump on you because you're hot?! yes

I agree with struggling get out while you can. My exh gave me very little affection and sex for the last few years of our relationship and amongst other things it broke us. My fiancé is very affectionate and sex is 4-5 times a week. It's difficult to live without affection in my opinion.

Sounds utterly crap, 4 years and it's like this, I'd be bored out my mind. He does fuck all to improve things either, at least you have tried, you have probably given up now.

Unless you both commit to seriously putting in effort, ie, going out, socialising together, holidays, being considerate and kind to each other, I'd give it up, I am 17 years with my partner and we still do all these things, it's what keeps a relationship alive and fresh.

To answer your initial question - appreciated - yes! Desired - no, not really. Married 16 years, 3 DC. He's affectionate, but much lower libido than me. Thoughtful and kind, occasional romantic gesture like flowers just because, but doesn't plan trips away or any big things like that. Date nights out are fairly rare (due to 3 DC and no nearby family to babysit) but sometimes have the odd lunch date in town near his work.

But 4 years in, and it all being such hard work? Doesn't sound terribly promising...

Four years in and you are like flatmates who occasionally fuck. And he annoys you.
Why bother?

You should still be mad about each other four years in.