Family court believed my ex and it's broken my heart

[mezzaruna]

My ex is a critical, controlling, generally nasty person.

He took me to court for full residency citing in 20 pages everything that was wrong with me. A guardian was appointed and she quickly saw the reality having spent time seeing us both interacting with our son.

She said my ex was critical, unbalanced in his view of me and he pressurised me into parenting the way he wanted.

She said he wasn't a bad Dad, loved his Son but his upset with me was a concern. Her final recommendation was that residency should remain with me and his Dad get every other weekend contact.

My ex employed a really expensive barrister. I didn't have enough money so had to self represent.

There were no genuine safeguarding concerns and the advice I had was that my ex had no chance and to just remain dignified and calm.

I made no claims about him, made no allegations, did not respond to his allegations and decided the only effort I was putting into this ridiculous court application was to turn up.

His barrister someone managed to make it look like I was a liar who excluded my ex from important decisions in our son's life. Eventhough it wasn't true she cleverly questioned me in a way that made me forget dates and times and I appeared vague.

In the summing up the judge said my ex appeared critical but honest (eventhough the judge made clear certain comments were clearly fabricated by him) and that I was vague in my evidence and getting evidence from me was like 'pulling teeth'.

He said I appeared arrogant and complacent/over confident in my case. Believing that my ex's case was weak. He also accussed me of misleading the court (I am not legally trained and didn't know I needed to disclose this event).
He accepted my ex was very critical and it somewhat explains my behaviour.

His final judgement was that by a small margin our Son should remain with me as there were no safeguarding concerns.
In many ways I'm really pleased. My ex (well his Mum and Dad as he is unemployed) have paid out around 20k and spent hours building the case against me while I have spent a grand total of £20 on bus fare and the judgement has gone in my favour.

I am proud that despite depression I have self represented against a top barrister.I'm proud I've fought for what is right for my Son.

But I am so very sad that the judge failed to see the situation in reality. He got me wrong, saw me in a completely different way to the reality. Viewed my ex in a much better light than the reality and failed to take into account the huge imbalance in the case considering only one of us had legal representation. He viewed my confidence in myself as arrogance and my being dignified as not caring about the case.

I've been left emotionally scarred by the case. I keep crying while remembering the awful things my ex said about me. I feel terrified by the fact my ex came across so well despite the reality. I keep having panic attacks thinking about what would have happened to him if the judge had given my ex residence.

The judge has no idea the emotional harm he has caused me. My ex and his family are now extremely angry and see an injustice. They think I only 'won' as I misled the court and have been very critical towards me.

The whole court experience has quite simply left my confidence in tatters, broken my heart and brought my depression back after fighting recovery for so long. Does anyone know what support I could get or how to deal with this on my own?

I didn't want to read and run.
It's all over now and you have majority which I guess you wanted.
It must have been an awful experience, and other people thinking your ex was a different character that he actually is, is difficult to bear.

It really sounds like you've been thru al lot. My case didn't get as far as yours, we came to agreement in mediation. But still was most difficult time of my life.

It doesn't matter what your ex's family think. It could have resulted in a different result, but it didn't. They will just have to deal with it.

I do think time will heal, focus on your ds and take each day as it comes. It is a slow process getting over something like this, but you can do it. I assume you have a court order, so you both know where you stand in terms of your son.

Go into the Gingerbread website. It had some helpful stuff.

I am sure you will get over this, in time. Be kind to yourself xx

Honestly, you were very lucky. A good friend of mine lost residency of her son under similar circumstances. Experts are not infallible and CAFCASS and judges do get it wrong. I don't know what help might be available to you but do prepare for your child to be emotionally manipulated during contact. Sorry you have been through this, it sounds awful ❤️

Contact gingerbread. I’d also go to your GP and ask to be referred to time to talk which is a counselling service. You probably have PTSD! Also, look into mediation for future contact. He’s going to make it hard for you, contact rights for women and women’s aid and get all the help they can offer you. Congratulations on your victory. Winning against all of that injustice. You should be rightfully very proud of yourself. I’d also like to say that it shouldn’t be allowed and the law needs changing. One side shouldn’t be allowed to go into a case like that with expensive representation while the other side can’t afford it. Terrible system. Thank goodness that you won.

From my own experiences I believe the court is biased towards the Father.

You will never win over your Ex he will always be angry and nothing will ever seem just or fair to him even if he had custody and you never saw your child again. As for his family he has probably spun them a sob story which they will believe - they will always be biased.

The Judge seems to have ignored the report supplied by CAFCAS.

Was the Judge made aware of your depression and the bullying by your ex?

You went up against a barrister and a bullying ex and you won. This is massive.

Go back to your GP get some help and advice. Do you have a friend to talk to?

I have the odd down day and I take a natural supplement called Relora it really works for me x

You're bound to be feeling absolutely shattered in every sense of the word. What you are feeling now is a feeling of having been put through the mangle by the court and your ex. And maybe a feeling of not quite believing what has happened, that this is the final end to it, and of course sheer horror at how close you came to a different result.

Take heart from your huge victory; not just for yourself but your son too. And for the women who have been trampled on.

Well done for your massive achievement. You are probably in shock after the trauma of realising what could have happened.Be kind to yourself and take some quiet time for yourself if you can.

But I am so very sad that the judge failed to see the situation in reality. He got me wrong, saw me in a completely different way to the reality. Viewed my ex in a much better light than the reality and failed to take into account the huge imbalance in the case considering only one of us had legal representation. He viewed my confidence in myself as arrogance and my being dignified as not caring about the case.

TBH from what I've seen and heard this is quite common. It's not specific to you. Male judges very often believe fathers and fail to see abuse (not saying there was abuse in this case).

There needs to be more female judges.

Ime of the courts you come up against a lot of toffs who have a very distorted view of reality. Unfortunately they have a lot of power.

I could be very sore at the dreadful things that happened to me through the whole vile process -

BUT I got the important thing, which was my kids. The rest was a bunch of wankers being revolting.

Your feathers will smooth. Do NOT let these awful people rob you of your sanity, even temporarily. I can't express how little they're worth it.

You've got the most important thing. In time all this shit will fade. It really does 🌸 💐

My ex lost our 4 year case. He spent years trying to turn our dc against me. I had ptsd symptoms.
In time my dc saw their df's true colours and they are nc with him. Your dc will see the light in time I have no doubt.
Take care of yourself. Keep a dairy regarding dc /ex for future reference. He will slip up one day and you will feel more confident to present your case then. You know the truth, your dc have you when their df fails them. Which he will. He sounds like my ex, a fake, a fraud. Their guard always slips ime.

Or another valid take on this case is that, in spite of every single negative thing the judge had to say about OP’s evidence, he STILL decided not to change the status quo.

I feel for you OP, but the injustice you felt you only very nearly suffered is what happens to Dads in the overwhelming number of FC cases, including my own.

You can be parenting 50:50, with no safeguarding concerns, no complaints from the DC and you can still find yourself in a position where they’re taken hundreds of miles from you and you’re forced into eow and FaceTime contact. Try THAT and come back and tell us which way FC is biased.

Congratulations...you did really well
Magnificently so

Unfortunately my friend got the shitty end of the stick as her ex managed to convince ce the judge he was the better parent
He had no checks, while she was turned inside out
She’s a lovely mother. They had an excellent time keeping school record and were both doing well ...aged 6 and 4
Since being handed to their father, they were ripped from their home, their toys, pets, clothes, puppies, horses that night
They never got to say goodbye to their mum and were not given contact with her for 3 months

It’s the most heartbreaking story I’ve ever heard.
She darent speak out because in the last three to four months she has been allowed to see her children for almost two hours a fortnight...she darent risk anything in case she loses that too.
She’s had reports done on her, all good, checks etc
Now the children are in a new school, not doing so well...not always getting there...but that seems to be ok as it’s private

So wrong
What they have done to these children will never be repaired.

You have been incredibly brave and I appreciate that financially you had no choice but to self-represent. The whole experience must have been very traumatic. You are probably going through a surge of emotions after all the adrenaline you needed. I hope you can be kind to yourself and get support. Terrifying to think how it can feel to have endured that pressure and how things could have gone against you. I wish you the very best.

I've been to court 15 times with my ex. He's an abusive controlling nasty piece of shit. He never gets his way and he only takes me to court to continue the domestic abuse in the only way he can but the judges always make me feel like shit.
I think judges are quite blind and don't listen and cafcass are useless in my experience. What I've told them never ends up in the report. I get told to get along better, communicate better and put our differences aside for the same of the children but it's not me that keeps dragging things through court. I just stare at the judges now and might give the odd nod to show I'm listening but I let most of it go over my head. My ex wants to destroy me and uses the courts to try to do it so I've hardened myself to the shite the judges spout about the damage I'm doing to my kids. Me! Ffs.

I echo the suggestions of seeing your GP about counselling to help you work through your feelings. It's natural to feel very angry and upset especially as the adrenaline wears off. well done on representing yourself and getting through it

Changedname neither relevant nor helpful.

Congrats OP, you got the right result, don’t fret about how you got there, you are there!

Aww op, I know how you feel. The judge in my case favoured my ex even though he had been lying for months and he knew it! Thankfully ive got my kids.

As someone up post said, they're a bunch of wankers being revolting. - this made me smile! I'm 7 years on and I still feel traumatised by it all

Pickle holly shit!!! Iv been 4 x in 8 months but wow 15 is dreadful! You know you can get a barring order which means its much much harder for him to repeatedly take you back to court.
I think its hard but my experience is that even with clear evidence of the other person being in the wrong the judge is still very emotive. My husband lied though his teeth, refused to co operate etc etc but regardless the judge doesnt appear to care. He just looks at the case from a legal stand point.
Its hard very hard but you got the outcome you wanted, nothing else matters. Think of how you would have felt if you hadn't!

I read these stories and it’s appalling, is there anything that can be done? Is there any feedback route to give to the judge(s) so they perhaps learn and think twice in future? Or do we (society) just suck it up and leave them get on in their own bubble?

There needs to be more female judges.

Er it was a female judge that did the worst. The ridiculous cow was besotted with charming ex. God, I hated her. She's probably dead now.

Anyway. I often thought I needed a debrief, like service men and women on their return from active duty. (That may seem offensive to some, apologies if so.)

Congratulations you won! I'm sorry you have been through all this - but you now have your son. Put the past in the past and live in the moment - enjoy your son!

Though I'm sorry for wading in with my story. ime of feeling overwhelmed I didn't need others' horrific stories - which threatened to compound my sense of trauma and shock. Apologies op.

More than anything I want to bring down to size some of the twits you meet in the courts. They're full of their high-fallutin language blah blah but at the end of the day they're acting. There's a lot of acting and posturing that goes on in that profession. They are also primarily focused on the argument, the intellectual premise of arguments - that is the law, in essence. The family courts should know better but at the end of the day they're lawyers.

Don't let a twit break your heart. He got it spectacularly wrong, he completely misread you. So what? If you saw him in his civvies you'd see a very ordinary type who may potter in his shed at the weekend. Some bog standard bloke who's a bit thick with the emotional stuff maybe.

Wonderful news that you have your son x

I’m so sorry they fell for your wanker ex’s lies. That really fucking hurts.

I wonder how much Women’s Aid can get involved with situations like this. I think all family court judges should be educated on emotional abuse, controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Good luck OP x

I'm going to suggest Womens Aid as well.
Do contact them.
They may be able to help with local support services.
Get all the help you can.
Did you ever report his abuse?
If not, then have a chat with womens aid about doing that as well.
You need it all on record.

I made no claims about him, made no allegations, did not respond to his allegations and decided the only effort I was putting into this ridiculous court application was to turn up.

Judges don’t have super human powers

If this was your stance, no wonder she had reservations about you

Allalittlebitshit2019 the court said no more for 2 years but have allowed him to do it again despite no good reason. It's a joke.

I agree though to whoever says they have to see things from a legal point of view. I got the impression our judge wanted to say different but said he was bound by case law so had to rule a certain way.

I feel traumatised by it all too. Years of court visits is not good.